Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

[Donotfitin]

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

I’m on the waiting list! It’s my 3rd year awaiting to be diagnosed.

Ha! My autism radar strikes again 🤣

Have you looked at right to choose? You'll almost certainly be seen quicker.

Nothing to do with her birthday get together - totally different event. You really need to stop this comparative analysis of different occasions.

Did she choose to come alone to the meal or did you just not invite her husband when all of the other husbands are invited? That's not the same as 'coming alone' it's deliberately excluding her husband when everyone else gets to bring a partner - one of whom you don't know, despite the fact that this is your issue with the other friends not coming.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I do think it was a bit rude of your friend to ask if she could bring people you don't know to your birthday meal. I can totally see why you found it awkward to say no - you probably didn't want to upset her and risk her deciding not to come.

It sounds like she'd double booked herself, which isn't your problem, but she ended up making it your problem. Sure, you could have said no, but that doesn't mean it wasn't an inconsiderate thing to ask in the first place.

You said it was fine

End of story

I don’t understand why you don’t think the more the merrier. It’s your birthday 🎉

She doesn’t even know the husbands are coming! (Apart from mine!)

If her friends are visiting her and she cancelled on your birthday dinner to stay with the visiting friends, how would you feel?

I actually did (3 years ago) but they were all online, and didn’t love that. One of my biggest traits is that I don’t look in the eyes when talking, and a zoom call can definitely mask that.

So she thinks everyone is coming stag except for you?

Exactly!!

She asked. You said it was fine. If it’s not fine then you should have said so.

Yeah I guess so… although maybe I did mention it? I can’t remember but I said Friend B could give her a lift if she asked her.

If I was invited somewhere and turned up to find all couples and my DH hadn’t been invited I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

Maybe a different slant is you might like this extra person and you also “click” with her. Life’s to short to get annoyed about other people please just go and try to enjoy your birthday and chill out. Be kind you don’t know what the friends “friend” is going through.

She could be (and we always invite them, it’s as easy as to ask if he’s coming!) I genuinely don’t mind him coming but also it’s a Thursday, it’s not local, and they’d have no childcare.

I mean my husband and her husband are BFFs so I guess it was more like assumed she knew he could come, just I didn’t think he would

Yes, but they’re not local…. So what’s the point?

Do yourself and everyone involved a favour and cancel your birthday dinner.

So there is a lack of clarity over the birthday arrangements.

It doesn't sound like she even knew others were going. Maybe that's why she felt it was ok to invite others along too as it was only you and her meeting up and she felt that it wasn't a big occasion.

You would certainly know if you mentioned it to her or not - and the fact that you mentioned the rough patch means you have thought about it. It wouldn't pass you by that everyone else knew they could bring a partner, but that she was coming alone. How awkward and uncomfortable for her to turn up and everyone else has their husband with them - and not only is she none the wiser, but it looks like a deliberate exclusion - because it probably is and one that she got no choice over, she just has to deal with the consequences on the night - at least she gave you the courtesy of giving you a choice. And you're complaining about her being unreasonable...

i guess her assumption of husbands are coming is ip
in the air, but she does know my husband and two other friends of mine are coming.

Of course she got offended. You said you wanted to go, even though you didn’t, pissed around for a bit then eventually decided to pull out, but that was her fault because you said yes when you meant no, and she was supposed to know that.

You said it was ok to bring friends. She hadn’t expected them to turn up earlier so she has a choice to either bring them or miss your birthday. Being a friend she thought bringing them meant she wouldn’t let anyone down, if you were ok with it. But she’s still in the wrong because you said yes when you meant no.

If you don’t start being honest with her, she will no longer want to be your friend.

Which is why she asked you.

You should have been honest with her.

Gatecrashing someone's birthday meal is hardly "being kind" to the person whose birthday it is.

This whole "be kind, you might click" argument completely overlooks the fact that it's OP's birthday. Having strangers there changes the dynamic, and it's perfectly reasonable to want to spend your birthday with your own friends rather than people you've never met.

I suspect a lot of the "more the merrier" crowd would feel differently if they organised a birthday meal and a friend asked, "Do you mind if I bring my mates Bill and Sue along too?" It's very easy to be accommodating when it's someone else's birthday.

I can't believe you are complaining about this friend asking your permission to bring friends when you have deliberately excluded her partner from being there when you and your other friends have partners who are going to be there by letting her think it was a girl's night out.

Is there anything honest in your relationship with this friend?