AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

I cannot believe you tolerate this.
Your poor parents.

You have so married down.
Into a nasty abusive using family that see you as the help.🙄

Your parents must be so hurt that you tolerate it and put his family first.

I really would be devastated if any of my children skivvied for such a family.

Agreed. OP, I cannot understand how you would allow these awful people to demean you and even more so your parents. Stand up for yourself, your parents and your class. Sounds like where you came from is worth 10 times what you married into - but the main person who needs to believe and act like that is YOU. Then you will stand up for yourself and put an end to this ridiculous dynamic you have allowed to develop.

@Pinkdayss I do not tolerate it I have told her she is being totally rude when she was acting snobby and I’m delighted to see my my family and her own family don’t even visit. So even when I do pull her up she will make some other passive aggressive remark at a later date. She will never mark remarks in front of my DC, of course does it when not many around.

My point of saying that was to show what she is like, my DH also told her her snobby behaviour was out of order in the past, and maybe as others have said she had been rude to BIL and family and I just have not seen it. He had not visited for 2 years and SIL had very limited short visits too.

I'd be coinciding trips to see my own family when mil is due to visit. Dh can host his own dm. .

If my husbands family, or anyone slighted my family, they wouldn't ever be around me again.

Only you can allow another person make you feel less than.

It is quite clear from your posts how lowly you are viewed.

She has continued on because she has seen that she can treat and speak badly to you and about you, your family, and you have continued to see her.

You should have told her the first time it happened not to ever do it again or she will not see you again.

Instead you have skivvied for her and the family for 20 years.

I'm not having a go at you.
I am being honest in replying to how you have been treated, in your words.

Your husband is a bully.
Lying to yourself now will not help you.

You are a bullied abused woman and both your husband and his mother are zero class people.

Stand up for your family and where you come from and don't let yourself be used as the arse wiper for a bully and his witch mother.

Let him wipe his mothers arse.
Spend some money on therapy so you can build up your self esteem.

I would be refusing to be around her ever again.
I would be looking at the math for divorce.

It is not healthy to swallow such awful behaviour for 20 years.

You deserve so much better, as do your parents.

Regardless of when you've said it he'll still kick off for you to do what he wants hence the silent treatment.I think you already know this by previous times that's why you don't say anything.

Let him cancel his plans if it is so important to him and you know that this is not going to. E just a weekend stay. It will become one more night after one more night and you will become the carer and expected to cope with all the help and appointments required while he gets on with his life. I would say a big fat no or that he can change his plans and stay with her in her own home for the weekend. Soon there will be a convo about her staying long term

Shake things up. Tell him you will not be hosting Christmas this year and that it is time you all spent it with your parents or that you are taking a hosting break so he is free to take it all on including cooking cleaning shopping decorating and all of it if he wishes for his parents to be there. You will be his doormat for as long as you allow it. Only you can change that by pulling him up on his behaviour. I would also pull his family up on the spot every time they showed me disrespect or spiteful comments. I had that mother in law and once I stood up to her things changed massively. Let him sulk that’s coercive control.

You could say ‘it’s a shame sil doesn’t help, but I guess you do say bil married similar to himself, so that explains it.’

and I hope you’ve made your Christmas plans.

Sometimes we let something go on for too long then blow up. I hope your husband can see this once the dust settles.

I think blaming his siblings is the easy way out - it is their right not to care for this unpleasant person, who requires excessive care, even if they are her kids. It's the easy way out to blame them for you doing something you don't want to do. Unless they are asking you to step in, that's another matter.

Your MIL's praise of them is just designed to make you feel crap. She will have ways of making them feel crap too. Their behaviour sounds like it comes from a place of self preservation. Sometimes we can learn from the supposed selfish ones.

Good luck this weekend. Families in law can be tough.

Op why are you minimising what is going on?? I shouldnt have brought up the past......why not???? Its his mother and you are the lackie. If shes treated you bad, reap what you sow! Simple.

Don’t cancel on your kids. Let him stay home and babysit his mummy. Just don’t do any food prep, make up a bed, sort the bathroom or make it easy for him.

Take the kids out and enjoy the weekend.Leave your husband to look after his mum don’t you get involved with her at all.