AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

OP, this martyrdom and making yourself small has got to stop. If you were my friend or sibling I'd be telling YOU a few home truths. Where is your self respect? Your loyalty to your own people? You have allowed this classist bitch and her family - including your husband - to walk all over you and demean your family of origin and your background. This is not a virtue or a consequence of you being too nice, it's a sign of weakness, lack of boundaries and self respect. Fuck them all and the horses they rode in on. Sometimes rows absolutely need to be had - your husband's reaction to your perfectly reasonable comments is not something you should regret have provoked but something you need to see as a red flashing sign of something very amiss in the dynamics which evolved here. Do not ignore this sign but see it as something to act upon now.

Please tell me you are actually
going to do something about this? As in tell him he stays and helps or you aren’t helping?

So many people come on here asking for “advice” and then do nothing.

It's bizarre that you are chastising yourself for bringing up how much you have done for his parents in the past. That's relevant information in the discussion about whose turn it is to help. His angry reaction is simply to frighten you into complying with his demands in future.

Why are himself and his 3 siblings not called 'selfish' when they won't help but you are? He sees you as a skivvy for his family and you'll look back and be sorry you wasted your time trying to please a man who doesn't give two hoots about you.

@ItWasCalledYellow you did nothing wrong in your answer.
You called your dh out on his behaviour. Ever so nightly so too.

And yes what has happened 10 years ago, what is happening with your parents is all relevant, whether your dh likes it or not.
That’s what is making you so resentful (with good reasons)
That also explains why you want to put boundaries down - you’ve done a lot already. That’s enough

I know that the atmosphere isn’t great in your house rigut now.
But please, STICK to it.
Let your dh know HE is the one who will have to step for his parents frim now on. He is dealing with his parents, you’re dealing with yours.

And if he has an isdue with it, if he goes into rage etc… that is simply telling you who he is. 😢 Not that you’ve done something wrong.

I don't think its unreasonable to bring up the historic stuff. This is a "No because" situation....even a "No because I have had enough" situation. I guarantee that if he didn't see that you are right, he wouldn't be so angry.

I think it is fine to look after the in-laws with your consent but what happens if one of your children became unwell and you need to prioritise them?It's not ideal he is away even if it was planned long ago.It seems it's ok for you to change plans but her own children are not expected to.Its an old argument that it falls to the woman...

There was nothing wrong with you bringing up the facts! Its not “historical stuff” its the predicate for today’s decision.

A nice person would appreciate where you are coming from, agree that it’s not been fair and promise to support you more in the future! No way could I be put out helping his family when he doesn’t appreciate it or support you with your parents! He sounds very selfish, sexist and entitled

The answer is easy because the answer is No. MIL has four children, why can't one of them do the care?

They may have plans, well so do you.

Add to that the fact that MIL has been a cow to you over the years, why would you want to do anything for her?

Additionally, there is no indication what her care needs are, even if you wanted to it might be very difficult to care for her.

Saying it out loud is the challenge but you would be right to do so. You're not their bloody skivvy.

Can’t you just say no?

You should be able to bring up anything you like in a marriage and for your h to listen to you.

Your h’s reaction is really poor. the silent treatment is abusive too.

Don’t look after your MIL. She is your h’s responsibility and he should cancel his plans and look after her. Stand firm on this.

He already takes advantage of you. Don’t let it get worse.

Absolutely this

I really agree with this. Nothing you've described is anything you should be apologising for. Please try and stop this. Your D doesn't like hearing the truth about (elements of) your relationship being not mutually supportive

I think you should send him a message along the lines of...

Sorry to do this by text but you're basically not talking to me at the moment so I have to. I had a long think about what you had to say and I agree that I am being unfair. I am being unfair to OUR CHILDREN by cancelling the plans for a great weekend. SO I have decided to go ahead with those plans after all. I don't see why our children have to suffer because neither you nor your siblings want to rearrange your plans for the weekend. Any way I'm going to leave it to you to speak to them and decide what you are doing going forward - basically either one of them has to cancel to deal with your mother or the hospital will need to review the care package it is putting in place to facilitate her going home. Obviously if you were talking to me we could have had an adult conversation along these lines but as you're not I'm going to leave you to sort it all out. Just bear in mind that I wont be able to do anything to help as I am going to prioritise our children and your mother's children can prioritise her....

liking this

Sure, maybe this wasn't the right time but at the end of the day, it sems to me that basically what happened here was tha tyou realised that you were at breaking point.

Id' be saying calmly to your DH - the reason I mentioned all this past stuff this time is I've realised that i'm actually a bit unhappy about how I always have to step in and I don't get the same respect. Of course I'll help your mom this time, but I'd like us to think about how we are better as a team for BOTH families going forward. She's been ill ad I've looked after her 4 times in the last few years, so I think it's no tunreasonable that next time you will be the one who has to give something up to manage this and of course, I hoep you'll be as supportive with my parents next time.

@Iwanttobeafraser so the OP gives in this time again and looks after the MIL

And what makes you think the dh will behave in any different way next time?
And look there will be, again, a reason that will explain why HE can’t do it either.

Your answer is a good one when both parties are reasonable. In this case, I don’t think the dh is.

The OP really needs to learn to say NO to her dh live with the crap atmosphere for a bit. Otherwise nothing is going to change

He is v v v unreasonable to assume you'll do it on his behalf. Put your foot down!

I’d tell him he needs to cancel his weekend plans and go and stay with his parents. Either that or delay discharge or a resettlement care package. Time for firm boundaries about what support you want to give. They may need to consider paid services to lighten the load.

You have made YOUR plans, including Your DC. He has to make His plans to include His DM.

Why would he rather upset you than her? Tell him this is the last time you will support HIS mother when she's ill, he has 3 siblings, right? Why on earth do you get put in the position of helping? Because the others have all said no because she's nasty?? Weird.

Why would he rather upset you than her?

This crops up time and time again, generally with a man's female relatives

The OP is clearly a bullied, abused woman over many many years.

This is just another incident.
Often posters like this are so ground down the capitulate and do what is expected of them.

Perhaps it will put a seed of doubt in her mind though, as to just how controlled, bullied, used and abused she is.

Perhaps it will start her realising what an utterly toxic environment this is and the seriously damaging role model her husband is.

Men often marry wkmen they can dominate and use as future skivvy carers for their aging parents.

They are expected to skivyy and host their husbands families endlessly, thanklessly.

The OP is one such women.

So sad. Only she can help herself.

I hope this is the catalyst for you to make some permanent changes, OP. The things she has said and the help you have provided for two decades point to now being a good time to step right back and for others to take some responsibility. Plus your DH sounds like an arse.

You've touched a nerve Op, he know you're right and his anger is his embarrassment talking