AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

Also to add, I did a lot of caring for my father and in laws in the past, who are no longer here. There were a lot of issues, I was the one who did the most for everyone. It affected my mental health at the time..

He is obviously pushing your buttons. I always find staying calm and setting boundaries is the way to go. Tell him if he feels you are being dramatic he can have more drama and you will not be cancelling your plans and he and his siblings can sort out his mum. In the future if your parents need help just offer it. You don’t need his permission. It feels very much as if you go along with what he wants to keep the peace. Never a healthy dynamic.

This is insane. If your husband's mother needs to be discharged to the care of a relative, your husband is that person, not you.

You must be a saint! I would have gone ballistic if my DH had kicked off like that when i gave him a few home truths.

I would not feel under any obligation to look after her at all. If you do, you would be well within your rights to say you expect X,Y and Z when your parents next need help, otherwise you will never lift a finger for PIL again.

This!

“he is away on a trip which was planned months ago”

So how can he think it’s reasonable for his DM to come, if he isn’t even going to be there? What I’m hearing is that MIL has four DC, none if whom are prepared to look after her, but never mind, dear old DIL will step into the breach so we don’t need to worry. This is not OK, OP. The big problem of MILs stems from the fact that they are the son’s mother, yet somehow it’s the DIL who ends up landed with them. You’re a better woman than I am, OP - it would have been a flat no from me.

If he's already riled, I'd be having the "and another fucking thing..." conversation.
Might as well say your piece.

There is no way i would be doing this.

He sounds like a bully and a user.

He's away and one of her other children can help, just the mug she and his family have used for 20 years and been nasty to?

You must have zero self esteem to allow this.

Horrible husband from a horrible family.

They see you as a skivvy.

Wake up OP.
She definitely wouldn't be staying with me thats for sure.

None of them have an ounce of respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself.

He couldn't care less for your family because he cares only that you are a skivvy workhorse.

If he's so concerned he should cancel his trip.

You also have 3 children.

Could you be more of a bullied doormat?

You should be reaching out to a thetapist and a domestic abuse charity.

He couldn't care a toss for you.

So much of what you are saying resonates with me. Even as I’m reading each post, it feels like you doubt yourself. They sound frightful and poor health does not give anyone carte Blanche to treat other people like utter shite.

I would just say no and suggest that the one of the other siblings, who after all are her own children and much closer to her, cancel their plans to host her and help her.

And this would be my stance going forward. Your DH and his siblings can care for their own parents, while you care for yours. So I'd refuse to host her on my own or cancel plans to accommodate her again. Clear line in the sand.

How did it happened that she stayed so often with you when she have 4 children?

Is your DH volunteering your help? Is he asking you and you fell you can't refuse?
Has he offered he would cancel his plans this time?

Sounds he is very generous with someone else's (your) time.

Why should you "handle the situation better"? It suddenly becomes too much: Last straw etc. Give it to him hook, line and sinker, but not viciously. Had similar picture when I was younger and was a "pleaser". Put your future first and start now with ILs. Be firm, hopefully not angry, otherwise you will turn bitter against all of them.

Oh for goodness sake stop being a mug. Why should your children miss out on your weekend plans. Tell DH he'll have to be around for his DM as you are busy and don't want to cancel. I'm sure they can sort it between the four of them, they just know they needn't bother as they can take advantage of you instead.

Concentrate on your own parents and leave him to deal with his own. If they were nice it might be a different story but it sounds like they disrespect you just as much as your husband does.

Your wants and needs are just as valid and important, you are perfectly capable of saying no!

He is training you not to say no to him, as here you are questioning yourself for what in most relationships would be a perfectly reasonable challenge.

if your MIL needs care, she has four children who should cancel their plans. Why should you do so?

She doesn't even deserve or appreciate your care.

And your husband doesn't respect you or your family. I wonder if he even likes you or appreciates what you have done. His demands have long been unreasonable.

Seriously. You either have a lifetime of servitude with these people who will never like, appreciate or respect you. Or you begin to say no, her children need to step up and maybe you have some trouble and pushback but your life will be better, much better. Personally I would be looking for a divorce...

Why is he away? I’d consider helping this one time and messaging him and saying I will help
this last time but next time I will not, it’s your job. Also I have decided we are hosting my family at Christmas and we are going away for next Easter just our family, I’ve let my family know.

and stuck to it. The only thing that men like this do when you’re a doormat is stomp all over you,

actually I agree, say no. Message that was an enlightening conversation, I’m actually taking the dc to visit my parents this weekend, will be nice to see them while you’re away and they’ve been struggling. If your siblings can’t do it one of you will have to explain to the hospital. Sorry but didn’t work for us either this time, luckily you know I’ve often helped in the past even when not convenient so you wouldn’t dream of having a go at me until you’ve done substantial support for my parents, which you haven’t.

And add you’re hosting your family for Christmas, that would be non negotiable! He’s not even there op- if he gets abusive hang up and mute him, you can message you don’t get to talk to me like that you’re not even here, you’re not being a parent nor a husband nor a son and you want me to substitute for all of them for you. I’m muting you, I don’t have to put up with this.

I really hope the penny drops that the OP is being used and abused.

You often have that with awful people who like to think a son has somehow "married down" and as such she can be used and abused and his family skivvy.

Clealy they are all in on it and your husband doesn't give a shit about you or your family.

You are merely a free skivvy.

Look seriously at whether you want to continue to be married.

What a shocking example to your children of a toxic dynamic where their mother is no more than a skivvy for their fathers awful family.

I do wonder if there is a particular religious or cultural aspect to these expectations OP, which make it harder for you to push back against unreasonable requests?

Why do you have to cancel your plans? It's -his- mother and he should do the moral thing and cancel his trip to look after her! This is a -him- problem.

I think you are right to have brought up the historic stuff because that is what has created this situation.

If it genuinely were an occasional occurrence and he was more involved and cared about your parents the same way you wouldn’t feel like this so I think it is absolutely correct to say ‘no and this why’.

He’s being a dick because he knows you are right. Time for MILs actual children to step up and take turns.

I can't imagine scenario where it's reasonable for a daughter in law who is looking after her three children on her own during a heatwave to take on care for a mother in law when the mother in law's four children aren't expected to.

What are the reasons the other family members and siblings can’t help? Why can’t DH cancel his trip?

It sounds like you’re bending over backwards to people who ultimately act like you’re inferior. Stop and let them sort it out themselves.

I’ve said it upthread but I’m saying it again. If she isn’t well enough to be discharged straight home then she isn’t well enough to be discharged without a care package in place. Has your husband even tried to establish what she needs? Can she weight bear? Use the bathroom without help? Because you will become that care package if you don’t put your foot down. You
may not be going to work on Monday for some time if you take responsibility for her this weekend.

(I’ve seen a woman in her 90s recovering from a broken hip deposited by ambulance at her home, which only had an upstairs bathroom,, to be cared for ‘by her children’ - of whom she had precisely one, herself over seventy, and living in a different country )

OP - you very clearly do have a right because of his attitude right now. Stop being bullied by your husband.

Tell him that blowing up at you and now giving you the silent treatment was absolutely the wrong call - and you will absolutely NOT be looking after his mother now if that's how he's going to behave.

You have the upper hand here OP - you've just been conditioned not to realise it!