AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

If I were you, I would definitely mind helping a woman who couldn't even be arsed to be pleasant to me after I'd given her loads of help and support. You need to put yourself first and say no.

Your MIL has four children and she should rely on them for support, not on you when she is actively nasty to you.

Thanks for the replies, I didn’t say I would not help but I did bring up stuff that I have been annoyed about, some from many years and it has caused a blazing row and I was deemed selfish and unreasonable for bringing past things up.

I do not mind helping my MIL, it’s the historical stuff and my own family are always deemed less important.

@ItWasCalledYellow now really is the time to dig your heels in. Why should YOU be the one who has to change plans to look after HIS mother? You are not the default carer, and if he’s not happy about that - well, oh dear. As the saying goes ‘There We Are Then’. And from here on in your family take priority for you, and he can deal with his. The fact that he has siblings who can also rearrange their plans, yet you are the one being abused because you don’t want to, is shameful, and suggests toxicity in your relationship.

Has your DH ever helped your parents when they needed care? I'd be very surprised if the answer was 'yes'. Your DH and his whole family sound very entitled and rely on your labour to care for their mum. Your family seems to come a very poor second.

It appears that you have suppressed your feelings to keep the peace and this situation has become to status quo. You have learnt that your feelings and that of your family come second. You are now feeling guilty for expressing your annoyance and hurt. His response is designed to ensure you back down and toe the line which is what has always happened.
now you’ve found your voice, don’t back down. He needs to understand that you’re not saying no to be nasty, you are saying h no because the role of carer again has fallen to you rather than the other family. His anger should be directed at them. It’s worse now you’ve disclosed that MIL isn’t even nice to you. It’s as though you are the hired help. You will always be treated like this if you allow it to happen to you.
youve already brought up the past to explain the strength of your feelings, I would now focus on ‘I’m unable to help this weekend. No I can’t do it.” It’s not unreasonable to decline a request that you cannot fulfill due to prior plans.
I’d imagine DH has volunteered your services and will now have to backtrack - but that’s on him.

Let me get this straight

He's not there.

You are looking after three children

And he wants you to look after his mother??

What kind of a son and husband is this man??

If he was a gay man, he wouldn't ask his male partner to do this. No way.

I don’t understand why you just didn’t say no. She’s not your mum and you have plans with your 3 children. You are busy with work.
He needs to tell hospital he’s away and she can’t be discharged to his care or cancel his trip.
I don’t understand how it got to you agreeing to do it.

I could have handled the situation better, I cannot change that now. I should of just said yes and there would be no tension right now. I could have mentioned my concerns another time, as I dont have issue helping it’s that my family always come second best. I have had years of helping and I feel I just snapped.

MIL would not recognise she has been nasty in the past, she has repeatedly mentioned my family being less well off and from a council house, she has made comments about my weight, comments that I was lucky to get a house as my DH paid for it (he did not we pay 50/50). She has mentioned my career being trivial despite doing very well in university and a professional career, I actually earn very well. Even if I didn’t earn well it’s no reason to treat someone like they are less, she has repeatedly mentioned my house being dirty even though it’s not. Despite all of this I have done a lot to help.

@ItWasCalledYellow oh my, it’s even worse! You’re a saint to consider helping such a harridan. Time’s up on that!

If you don’t put your foot down now it’ll only become worse. You are already seen as the default carer option. If this goes on much longer you’ll end up being your horrible MIL’s chief carer in her old age.

I would LTB before I’d put up with this situation.

I would tell him you have done your share you have plans that can’t be changed and if she needs help he needs to stay and do it.

don’t give up your plans

Why aren't her own children helping her?

I should of just said yes and there would be no tension right now.

There would still be the tension building in you.

Him being unpleasant is shaping you. And it leads to you allowing him to make your family the less important one.

You don't want to he a default carer. It might mean some level of unpleasant behaviour from him - because not being able to dump her on you is making his life hard harder - but it's is worth it.

I brought a load of past stuff up at home recently and yes, just like this, it went down like a lead balloon. And afterwards I kicked myself and then realised I needed to get it out.
This woman sounds awful and patronising. Come on OP you are a strong woman with your own career you don’t have to put up with this.
He’s walking all over you and now you are allowing it. And I know because I was.
Just day no, this one is for you and your siblings I’m out with the DC after a long week.
Let him rant and rave but really then it’s down to him. He has probably already told people you’ll be caring and doesn’t want to have to explain himself.
Well, let him sort it out. It’s his mother.

Why are you beating yourself up for bringing up the past when it's entirely relevant to the current situation? You've been taken for granted for years and allowed yourself to be the default support for his family. That's over - you're reclaiming your autonomy and handing back responsibility to your MiL's children.

Don't apologise and don't regret what you've done. It's long overdue and of course it causes tension because your husband relies on you to make his life easy and STFU about it.

Hang in there, do what you had planned with your children and refuse to be the default carer any more. It will cause more tension and rows of course but the price of a quiet life is too high. Your husband will just have to get used to the new reality.

I don’t think you were wrong to bring it up. Your past history of helping out has not been appreciated/acknowledged by him.

The correct answer when you brought up the past could have been “you are completely right. I will find a way of making it up to you”. Then you would know that he understands what a deal he is asking for. That is what happens in relationships.

In this case you just say that you can’t. His choices are to cancel the trip, pay for an emergency care package or tell hospital that care has not been arranged and that they have to delay discharge ( we have done that in the last few days with my mum - but she was in a rehab ward and needed 4 carer visits a day).

I hope that he has some other redeeming qualities.

TBH I resent fact DH family have needed so much support over the last few years and have been so horrible on so many occasions but their illness is always blamed as the reason for it happening. I know DP need help as they age but they have needed an excessive amount and have stayed with us one time for approx 3 months due to ill health, I was pregnant and run ragged with them.

I fell like I just let it all out and brought up stuff from even over 10 years ago which has not helped at all.

OMG your MIL is an evil snobby bitch! I don't know how you can even bear to be in the same room as her after the hideous things she has said about you and your family. The absolute last thing I would do would be to agree to take care of her while her own sons are 'too busy' to help their own mum.

You have a professional career and I'm sure you can hold your own with difficult people at work so I'm really baffled that you put up with being treated like shit by your MIL and your DH.

I'd take great pleasure in telling them all to fuck off.

You seem very keen to tie yourself up into a pretzel just to make sure there is no tension! He could have handled the situation and relationship better, and his 'silent treatment' of you because you didn't just roll over (again) is the problem, not you or your handling of the situation.

YANBU. I would be elsewhere

@thepariscrimefiles I know I have let this situation evolve myself dnd should not of been so supportive after her nastiness. She had severe MH issues and that is blamed for her nasty comments, if I say anything I am over reacting to a poor woman who’s not well!!

Yes I am more than able to hold my own even with the head of whole organisation I am in! But somehow I have become a walkover people pleaser outside of work.

There's no way I'd be putting myself oot to care for someone who has shown open disdain towards me. He cancels his trip or she goes to a sibling. End of.

The things your MIL has said and has treated you in the past, I wouldn't be seeing her at all or reducing contact never mind looking after her.
How convenient all of her own actual children have commitments and can't help.
You have become the default carer, which happened to me in the past. I refuse to do it all for my own mother now as it caused and still does cause so much stress.
Tell your husband he has to speak to his siblings and arrange something between them now and in the future.
Also, why have none of the others had them at Christmas or Easter others past? They know you will do it all. You need to set boundaries.

Also, how dare your husband give you the silent treatment because you are not jumping to care for his mother like you have always done before. The last time my husband gave me the silent treatment, I told him if he couldn't stand being in the same house as me he could leave. That was years ago, it hasnt happened since.

Will you please stop berating yourself for bringing up the past. You’ve mentioned it several times now - stop it.
You had every right to it, you’ve had enough of this.
You seem to be very wary of DH and it’s not healthy.