AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

You're not being remotely petty. What I'd do next might be a bit petty though... I'd tell him since he thinks you're selfish you will be selfish and spend your weekend how you want to. He can make other arrangements for his mum.

YANBU but I think you need to put your foot down and say No - otherwise your H will know you’ll moan but will then get on with it. Why are his plans more important than yours when it’s his mother!

Tell him to piss off. WTF is it down to you. It's ok for you to cancel your plans but he does not have to cancel his. Sod that she is his mum not yours. Stand your ground.

Not the ops fault either. She needs to say no.

What you don't change, you choose!

Thanks to everyone for the replies, so he has cancelled his trip which was planned months ago, I’m not annoyed that he asked me in the first place it’s his whole family dynamic and my family are always less important. He is sorry he asked not that is not my point it’s some recognition of my family and everything else. His siblings are so self absorbed and do not care about anyone but themselves.

I know lots of people who would have told MIL to never come back with all her horrible remarks.

You honestly think that would have been any different? He would have been shitty whenever you brought it up.

That’s a good result Op.Well done for holding fast on this, and very glad your DH realised what a tit he was being.

Hope you can enjoy your weekend with your dc.

Yep

Hopefully not you’ve said no and pissed him off in the process he’ll think twice next time.

OP, I am cross on your behalf. You should just not put up with this behaviour.
If your husband wants his parents looked after then he does it every single time. If they come for a meal then he cooks it. You should not have to put up with a nasty MIL and you can invite your parents over when you want.

I am so pleased for you. Have a lovely weekend and I hope this marks the beginning of a change and your husband values you and how you're able to spend time with your family.

Well done OP.
I really hope this is the beginning of a new awakening for you.
He is not a good man.
You deserve so much better and so do your children.
Good luck.

That’s good news. If your MIL makes nasty remarks again I’d say something like ‘Please don’t be disrespectful/ unkind MIL.’ Even if she’s unwell thinking she can behave badly is unacceptable. You’re inviting her into your home and caring for her. Sounds like your DH has partially seen he was being unreasonable. I still think it’s worth having a conversation about everything you told us - your parents, the lack of support from his siblings etc etc when the dust has settled. Why can’t his siblings do their bit? Why doesn’t he support you when your parents need help? But this is a positive development OP. Enjoy the weekend 😊

What has really become apparent through all of this is how selfish DH siblings are, BIL has not visited in 2 years, he does live 5 hours away but still it’s not good enough, especially when all MIL does is talk of how fantastic he is.

I am glad I blew up but I don’t think DH sees it that way, I’ve gotten the brunt of his mood because I am selfish for not helping and he maintains he has always been concerned for my DPs, when he has not asked about them in months. We don’t see my family every week as they don’t live nearby but I do visit them regularly. Genuinely don’t think he is sorry in the slightest, he’s just annoyed I blew up and how selfish his siblings are. He also thinks it’s pathetic I brought up stuff from years ago that MIL said and did. He thinks I need to move on and not let it annoy me as she is now alot older and frailer. But as the saying goes people never forgot how you made them feel.

YANBU

Obviously we don’t give to receive, but when it’s always been one sided and you’re already spinning 100 plates, there’s a limit.

maybe she says nasty things to the sibs families as well?

@godmum56 I have never heard her say anything negative about them, all she does is sing their praises. And regularly talks Of how well off BIL wife’s family are - and how BIL married similar background to his upbringing, and that I wouldn’t understand being from a deprived council house background! She has been openly snobby towards my DP, she has never done that to her other DC family as I have seen how she treats them at family events.

I have worked extremely hard in my career but she has regularly implied I am a secretary or similar. Nothing wrong with being a secretary if I was so why even say that. I earn very very well in a professional career.

My MIL sang the praises of DH’s siblings and their families to us for years; we then found out she sang our praises to them. In other words, being the manipulative person she was, she tried to play them off each other.

Be glad that you have made your point with your DH. What his siblings do , & why, is their business, so try to put it out of your mind.

She does sound like a nasty woman though.

She sounds awful! What a narrow-minded snob! Clearly can’t be ar@ed to
find out the first thing about who you actually are. She’s got all her boxes in her mind already set out and she plonked you in one.

@dcthatsme yes totally agree she put me in a box and nothing will change her snobby mind on that, i actually couldn’t care less what she says anymore but it annoys me she is so snobby to my DP who are very nice hard working people.

You are being perfectly reasonable.
Let's be blunt. Your husband appears to be a completely selfish pig, who does what he likes and expects you to do as you are told.
Your mother-in-law, regardless of age and health condition, is a total snob who looks down on you because of your upbringing.
Please take a step back and realise this is your life unless you continue to stand up for yourself. You were right to bring up other issues, as you have supressed your irritation for so long.
The hospital cannot discharge your MIL unless she has somewhere safe to go. Tell your DP, you cannot help and that going forward he and his siblings need to make other arrangements as your have your own aging parents and your children to consider. If he throws his toys out of the pram, then so be it. Frankly I think you would be better off living on your own. He can always move back in with his parents.

Good luck and stay strong.

@ItWasCalledYellow I know lots of people who would have told MIL to never come back with all her horrible remarks.

And I would have been one of them !!

this is what I thought might be happening.

No matter how much your DH tries to sugarcoat his mum's awful behaviour towards you, you know that that her spiteful and snobbish remarks are because she is a horrible person, not because she is old and frail.

Your DH expects you to suck it up to make his life easier. TBH, I'd be re-thinking the relationship with your DH who seems to think that he can out-source his mother's care to you and then gets angry when you push back for the first time.

Imagine a life without these toxic and entitled people.