AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

[Onetiredmummy88]

Hi I’m really looking for some advice or to be snapped out of this feeling.

my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. This was a longstanding issue he had and we went to therapy and resolved it, and I feel like we have moved on it’s been a few years now. A year after it happened, I was offered a promotion for a year in work and was able to gain extra qualifications, my DH supported me with this and really was happy for me.

During the promotion my husband picked me up and waited for me outside my workplace to tell some amazing news, that he was going to be getting a big promotion, This would be life changing and his salary was set increase significantly. We spoke about me taking a career break and finally getting the time I should have had from mat leave but it was ruined by everything that went on. We were so excited for our future.

Over the few years, I noticed during rows this new money would come up and if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’ my DH would say ‘only one of us can afford this house’ he started to get a little bit of an ego not all the time but enough to notice and to make me at times feel a bit inferior. DH always disputed this and maintained his family was his top priority.

Fast forward to the week of when everything was getting ‘signed’ in his work place that night we had champagne to celebrate. However, the next day I received a call with DH upset to say his salary will not be anywhere near as what he said it would. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave. I feel when DH told me about his new salary my motivation with work stopped and I didn’t progress after the course.

Since then, I have really felt quite distant to my DH, I’m trying to be supportive but I really feel so let down even though it is out of his control. My desire to have sex is non existent and everything he is saying or doing is irritating me. I brought up the things that happened with us previously during heated discussions and I have thrown it in his face a few times how he has let me down again. I feel a lot of this is because I am unhappy with work currently and feel I have lots of responsibilities that make me so anxious.

I feel guilty with the things I say but it’s like I can’t control it? I feel I have turned the situation toxic when I should be supporting him and I genuinely don’t know how to snap out of it. I thought after some annual leave and a holiday as a family would bring us closer but it has t worked

FYI we have been together for 11 years

Honestly, I think this may have been for the best in a way. You have to keep working and I think that is good. This man sounds untrustworthy at best and your marriage is not secure. Do not become dependent on this man. Earn your own money so you can walk away from this marriage if you need to.

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you can afford it and have made proper provision for your family and your own needs in the event of a divorce. Oh and critically that you trust your husband.

None of these things apply to OP.

Oh wow!!

thank you for all your comments I’ve read through everyone and I do agree with me sounding like a horrible person! I really feel it at the moment.

to give some more context.

the ‘cheating’ I refer to is a porn boundary crossed and i unfortunately found out after the birth on my DH. It was the worst moment of my life and it set me in a post natal depression. This was an email I found that was a year before when the sight was accessed. Looking at the dates, I was when I was away with friends for a night. These sights had been accessed throughout our relationship we’ve been together for a long time. DH never thought it was cheating I thought it was. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, and not to be big headed I would not say I am ugly and have good assets so I hustled didn’t understand it! He said it was easier but it was only now and again throughout the years he showed me receipts. Girls it was the most awful time and I didn’t tell anyone only my mum who saved me. I was ashamed. We went to therapy and he paid for it, we got a joint account and I can see his salary what he gets and from his other job on the side also. Both wages are combined and I have more of a budget because I spend more getting hair and nails done (I know that sounds awful writing it) therapy lasted 6 months. He paid for separate therapy on his own with the same therapist and even went to a group for porn addicts-he said he was the only one who showed up and that made me so proud. He didn’t feel he was an addict however our therapist really dug deep and this was about his childhood not feeling in control-his parents lost their house and they were essentially homeless, it’s his worst fear.

I believe the pay rise we spoke about it everyday. I spoke to work colleagues also. People were genuinely happy for him and us. DH advised I don’t leave work because his job is not secure in private sector, he liked my drive and determination when we first met and we often joked with friends I he would never let me be a stay at home wife. I feel a lot of this is due to his childhood.

i have to say writing this and seeing the comments has really made me reflect on my behaviour. I feel like I am undoing our hard work- we genuinely had the best time after our therapy and it changed him as a partner and dad.

I know I am unhappy in work and I need to keep work and personal life separate however when one is bad it effects the other doesn’t it.

I think many of you are right I am now bringing up all of these old feelings and using them against him. It’s so toxic. I know it sounds silly saying now but he honestly is my best friend and we laugh everyday- then I get these feelings of anger mistrust and it makes me off like a bottle of pop with the toxicity. I’m ashamed to say some of this has been in front of our young children, even on Father’s Day about him letting us down. He is the best father to our kids.

if you want to know the salary I will say but I don’t know if that’s the done thing here.

it’s been so good to get this off my chest and I know I sound crazy bad.

So he watched porn?

You sound incredibly emotionally and mentally manipulative

So what was the salary he expected versus what he got and what’s the position?

.

So paying for webcam to have online sex with porn stars- to me it’s a step above porn and he understood my position if it was to happen again that would be it with us. I remember putting this on a different thread a while ago and it was 50 50 in terms of how people seen that as cheating. I consider it not physical cheating but a boundary definitely crossed.

current Salary 100k
pay rise-started around 180k, but because things have happened in the world this has taken a toll on private sector so he was set to be around 150k that was discussed a good few months back.

pay rise is been an increase about 20k now which will come into effect within a few months

100k to 150k isn’t actually that much of a change as you might think as half of the increase is taxed at 62% or more if student loans are outstanding. It’s useful for increasing pension contributions but unlikely to be sufficient to compensate for you to leave work unless you are PT on minimum wage.

absolutely tax would have obliterated that, however exactly right I am part time currently not minimum wage though. But the career break was sounding fantastic

If you're going off at him, and in front of the kids on father's day! with uncontrollable feelings of anger and mistrust that is verging on abuse. If you didn't trust him after the cam girl thing you should have left then. You know you can't keep bringing it up, surely? He has done all he can to make amends. Have you had therapy for yourself to explore what you want?
He's working 2 jobs, you're part time, all the money is in the joint account, which you have the larger share of for personal spends - complaining that you can't have a career break seems a bit odd. What if he wants a break? Tough shit I guess!
He didn't lie about the pay rise, the company has let him down from what you've said.
How can you be "best friends" when you blow up at him, is he walking on eggshells all the time?