AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

[Onetiredmummy88]

Hi I’m really looking for some advice or to be snapped out of this feeling.

my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. This was a longstanding issue he had and we went to therapy and resolved it, and I feel like we have moved on it’s been a few years now. A year after it happened, I was offered a promotion for a year in work and was able to gain extra qualifications, my DH supported me with this and really was happy for me.

During the promotion my husband picked me up and waited for me outside my workplace to tell some amazing news, that he was going to be getting a big promotion, This would be life changing and his salary was set increase significantly. We spoke about me taking a career break and finally getting the time I should have had from mat leave but it was ruined by everything that went on. We were so excited for our future.

Over the few years, I noticed during rows this new money would come up and if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’ my DH would say ‘only one of us can afford this house’ he started to get a little bit of an ego not all the time but enough to notice and to make me at times feel a bit inferior. DH always disputed this and maintained his family was his top priority.

Fast forward to the week of when everything was getting ‘signed’ in his work place that night we had champagne to celebrate. However, the next day I received a call with DH upset to say his salary will not be anywhere near as what he said it would. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave. I feel when DH told me about his new salary my motivation with work stopped and I didn’t progress after the course.

Since then, I have really felt quite distant to my DH, I’m trying to be supportive but I really feel so let down even though it is out of his control. My desire to have sex is non existent and everything he is saying or doing is irritating me. I brought up the things that happened with us previously during heated discussions and I have thrown it in his face a few times how he has let me down again. I feel a lot of this is because I am unhappy with work currently and feel I have lots of responsibilities that make me so anxious.

I feel guilty with the things I say but it’s like I can’t control it? I feel I have turned the situation toxic when I should be supporting him and I genuinely don’t know how to snap out of it. I thought after some annual leave and a holiday as a family would bring us closer but it has t worked

FYI we have been together for 11 years

I also agree with this. I think he's been stringing you along to try and keep you in your place.

Lots to unpack here:

Number one: I don’t think I could have got past the fact he paid to watch women online. You were never going to be able to trust him after that and should have left then.

His behaviour over the promotion that never was is very odd and I agree it sounds like he has misled you about this in some way. It does sound like a power play of some sort.

But why do you feel entitled to be supported by him? Putting so much faith in the idea that you could stop working was always highly risky. Particularly when you know he’s got form for sleazy behaviour.

Rule 101: absolutely never make yourself wholly financially dependent on a man. Particularly one who you know has a predilection to be a cheat.

Im also struggling to follow the timeline?

How long between him telling you and not getting as much money as he thought ? Reads like years?

Nor I.

I think you were both being unreasonable to count your chickens before he got the pay rise. Nothing is guaranteed until it actually happens. It's easy to get caught up in the moment, but it's an unpleasant life lesson that things promised for the future rarely live up to expectations.

His work were also unreasonable to keep the promotion dangling for years, likely motivating him to perform above his pay grade whilst waiting. Is there any way he can use this experience elsewhere to get more money?

Wow, sounds like your relationship is built on finances only.
I'm sorry that you can't quit your job and live off your husband.

So your husband lied, and you're feeling bad for being angry?
What an absolute twat.
Contrary to the voting poll, I would be really really pissed off.
Either he's a thick twat who misunderstood, or he deliberately talked his promotion up, being jonny big bollocks....

No advice, but I would be feeling the same as you x

He’s been stringing you along and manipulating you. The promotion may have existed but it doesn’t sound like the big pay rise ever did. I would be demanding total honesty from him. Plus with his behaviour then being financially dependent on him is a very bad idea

Yeah I don't think there was ever a promotion and large pay rise planned.

As people say it was all a big fat lie. He’s totally untrustworthy and a horrible person.

I'm confused. Did he lie about this supposed salary increase? Was he trying to big note himself? I can understand why you'd feel disappointed if he has mislead you.

I agree with this OP. This was designed to put you back in your place. The fact that he started making digs about paying for the house etc. demonstrates that. He wasn’t happy about you earning more and being financially secure off your own back, so he lied to you to get you to give up that financial security so you can be dependent on him and can’t question his behaviour.

He sounds horrible. He's probably lying about the money - but maybe he was lying before to try to stoke his own ego while you were doing the temporary promotion. Eitherway, toxic behaviour.

I get that, but years? OP says years....

Sometimes a company will replace a well paid outgoing "manager" with a team leader or supervisor title and pay less. If OP's DH knew he had been earmarked to replace Big Jeff in finance and he knew what his salary was he might have been justified in expecting the same. This is what is known as being shafted.

He might also be be FoS

This post certainly plays homage to the old saying that the way into a woman’s knickers is by having a large wallet.

How nasty. She wanted him to have a promotion and pay rise so she could take time off work and have the mat leave she never got to have due to her own promotion.

To say she only has sex with him because of his supposed promotion is sexist.

Yes it can take years in some professions

But she literally said that since the promotion turned out not to be as lucrative as she hoped, her ‘desire to have sex is non existent.’

It was all champagne the night before but once the cash didn’t turn up then wham, cold as ice.

No it wasn’t all champagne, but they were getting on. Many women are having normal sex with their husband then suddenly feel like their husband has been probably lying to them and definitely let them down and get the ick and don’t want sex with them.

But we don’t know that. So many companies right now are not giving big pay rises if any. I hear this across multiple industries along with layoffs.

We do know the fact that her desire to have sex disappeared along with the promotion and cash by her own admission.

I don’t think its nasty, I think its spot on. OP has been very open about the fact her attraction to him correlates with the amount of money he makes.

He’s been a manipulative bellend but that’s what you get if you make affection and sex contingent on money. OP knew he was a sleaze but was happy to sweep it under the carpet as long as he was paid well.

She was extremely foolish to build her marriage around blind faith in his earning power.

You were going to quit your job to rely on the income of a porn addict that has a superiority complex. The things you read on here. Why are you settling for this shitty life?

What did I just read? So he was told he would get a promotion heard ahead and you waited a few years for the promotion and expected increase in salary, what industry works like that?

And because of this expected salary increase "in a few years" you lost motivation at work and stopped growing? All for a man who used his "expected increase in salary" to belittle you and control and disrespect you?

I'm not really sure what to advice tbh.

What is so terrible about being a stay at home parent when their partner is receiving a decent wage,is martyrdom a thing now?