AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

[Onetiredmummy88]

Hi I’m really looking for some advice or to be snapped out of this feeling.

my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. This was a longstanding issue he had and we went to therapy and resolved it, and I feel like we have moved on it’s been a few years now. A year after it happened, I was offered a promotion for a year in work and was able to gain extra qualifications, my DH supported me with this and really was happy for me.

During the promotion my husband picked me up and waited for me outside my workplace to tell some amazing news, that he was going to be getting a big promotion, This would be life changing and his salary was set increase significantly. We spoke about me taking a career break and finally getting the time I should have had from mat leave but it was ruined by everything that went on. We were so excited for our future.

Over the few years, I noticed during rows this new money would come up and if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’ my DH would say ‘only one of us can afford this house’ he started to get a little bit of an ego not all the time but enough to notice and to make me at times feel a bit inferior. DH always disputed this and maintained his family was his top priority.

Fast forward to the week of when everything was getting ‘signed’ in his work place that night we had champagne to celebrate. However, the next day I received a call with DH upset to say his salary will not be anywhere near as what he said it would. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave. I feel when DH told me about his new salary my motivation with work stopped and I didn’t progress after the course.

Since then, I have really felt quite distant to my DH, I’m trying to be supportive but I really feel so let down even though it is out of his control. My desire to have sex is non existent and everything he is saying or doing is irritating me. I brought up the things that happened with us previously during heated discussions and I have thrown it in his face a few times how he has let me down again. I feel a lot of this is because I am unhappy with work currently and feel I have lots of responsibilities that make me so anxious.

I feel guilty with the things I say but it’s like I can’t control it? I feel I have turned the situation toxic when I should be supporting him and I genuinely don’t know how to snap out of it. I thought after some annual leave and a holiday as a family would bring us closer but it has t worked

FYI we have been together for 11 years

you’re unhappy that you still have to work like everyone else?

grow up

This is a bit weird. When they offered him the promotion it would usually include the salary its odd that he got it so wrong?!

Is it a partner role in a law or accountancy firm where's there's a lower base level but he'll get a share of profits? That could be less predictable

It sounds like there was a very long time between what he told you will be and when he found out the reality- how long was that?

How long was it between promo news and finding out real salary

This sounds like a very odd situation, and with your H’s history of lying and deception, do you think he made up the huge salary increase to piss on your promotion and as a control tactic to “keep you in line”?

It seems suspicious that as you were gaining a strong career trajectory, he suddenly got one which vastly outshone yours, until he couldn’t keep the pretence up any longer, maybe?

I’d want to see payslips. Something isn’t quite right. I’m wondering if he did get big pay rise but is keeping some back for himself or so you don’t give up work. However not really sure why you feel entitled to not work you should contribute to the household and should want to progress your own career.

Doesn't sound sensible for you to quit your job at all given the state of how you feel/how you describe arguments. Independent financial security is vital.

This. All sounds very odd but I suspect that's because there's a lot of lies on DH's part to control OP.

That’s exactly what I was thinking!

all sounds so toxic op

i don’t think you guys will make it - there’s lack of trust,

you feeling like he’s been dishonest or if he hasn’t then you feel like he’s not doing enough/ earning enough / owes you soemthing to make up for the past

it does kinda of sound like he lied about the amount of money he was set to earn just to sort of dangle it and maybe power trip over you a bit

or give you a false sense of hope like things were about to get better

either way don’t take a break from work now cus it sounds likely you may need your job more than ever if you may end up a single mum

You would be quite mad to quit your job and lose your financial independence. And getting back in the workplace at the level you were before can be very challenging, even if you’re not having a crisis of confidence following that time out.

In the context of your marriage… protect yourself.

Giving up work is the last thing you ought to be focusing on. Your marriage is dead in the water - has been since you caught him paying to see other women. Trust has gone, resentment is growing by the day - this is unlikely to be recoverable.

He was obviously lying, presumably because if you give up your job it will much harder for you to leave him. Luckily you didn't do it before he didn't get the massive payrise. Why would you want to rely financially on this horrible man anyway?

It sounds like you’ve been unhappy a long time, because of his cheating with online girls and his lies about promotion/pay rise. These are the real issues.

I think you would be happier working but split from him. He is making you unhappy.

I smell bullshit. The story about this promotion money doesn’t seem legitimate. Why would there be such a big discrepancy without him knowing in advance? He’s either a complete idiot or he’s lying.

I'm confused about him being offered a promotion but then "years" going by before he got it?

Or he had misconceived ideas about what a particular position earns.

I’m as confused as everyone else. Sniff test isn’t good. Looks like he’s played you badly to stop you leaving. What sector does he work in?

Some jobs have a long process for promotions, for example director or partner in accounting firms. You find out you’re in the process but then there are steps you need to go through and it can take months - years. I can also see someone getting the starting salary in these roles very wrong. He also sounds like it was using it to control the op and exaggerated/has a too big ego

OP he was never offered any promotion. He has lied about it to overshadow your achievements and to financially control you.

Yes I assume he was told he was on partner track in a law / consulting firm and he’s not been sharp enough to work out that those jobs are sales jobs. You can earn loads, like enormous amounts of money, but generally only once you reach equity partner level and have proven that sales track record.

So he’s seedy, power-tripping liar who’s also not the sharpest. Not a great combo.

My advice is always that women should continue working, and never be financially reliant on a man but it’s in massive flashing lights here.

or this is Ai

Sounds like you never got over what he did, however we're willing to put it behind you for money and not having to work. Thats not the basis for a good marriage and over years the resentment would have grown and you would be miserable.

I can't make head nore tail of the timeline...

I would take some time away from him to have a good think.

Did you actually believe him?
Do you think you believe he told you the truth?
Does he lie about anything else? To his mother or boss or friends? White lies for example?
You say he’s let you down again. Did you really come to terms with his online purchases? Or was this really the first nail in the coffin? What was his excuse/reason for his online activity?

To me I’d assume he was lying as you got promoted and he may have felt inferior? But that may be because of how you have written your op. I think you have a lot to unpick and think about.