AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

[Onetiredmummy88]

Hi I’m really looking for some advice or to be snapped out of this feeling.

my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. This was a longstanding issue he had and we went to therapy and resolved it, and I feel like we have moved on it’s been a few years now. A year after it happened, I was offered a promotion for a year in work and was able to gain extra qualifications, my DH supported me with this and really was happy for me.

During the promotion my husband picked me up and waited for me outside my workplace to tell some amazing news, that he was going to be getting a big promotion, This would be life changing and his salary was set increase significantly. We spoke about me taking a career break and finally getting the time I should have had from mat leave but it was ruined by everything that went on. We were so excited for our future.

Over the few years, I noticed during rows this new money would come up and if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’ my DH would say ‘only one of us can afford this house’ he started to get a little bit of an ego not all the time but enough to notice and to make me at times feel a bit inferior. DH always disputed this and maintained his family was his top priority.

Fast forward to the week of when everything was getting ‘signed’ in his work place that night we had champagne to celebrate. However, the next day I received a call with DH upset to say his salary will not be anywhere near as what he said it would. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave. I feel when DH told me about his new salary my motivation with work stopped and I didn’t progress after the course.

Since then, I have really felt quite distant to my DH, I’m trying to be supportive but I really feel so let down even though it is out of his control. My desire to have sex is non existent and everything he is saying or doing is irritating me. I brought up the things that happened with us previously during heated discussions and I have thrown it in his face a few times how he has let me down again. I feel a lot of this is because I am unhappy with work currently and feel I have lots of responsibilities that make me so anxious.

I feel guilty with the things I say but it’s like I can’t control it? I feel I have turned the situation toxic when I should be supporting him and I genuinely don’t know how to snap out of it. I thought after some annual leave and a holiday as a family would bring us closer but it has t worked

FYI we have been together for 11 years

I’m thrown back on my heels by how extreme your rows are. I’ve never in my life said anything like ‘you know where the door is’ to a partner or had such out there clashes with them, but you say it as if it’s normal and regular to have rows like this.

I get that you feel disappointed but it would be unusual to be able to stop work completely, not to mention probably unwise. Somehow you have to get over this. Have you done anything like anger management or worked on what sounds like quite extreme emotional reactions? Meditation or even just breathing exercises to try and stay calmer?

I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave

So you’re unhappy because his not earning megabucks means you can’t leave and take him to the cleaners?

Your marriage is as dead as the very last Dodo. 🦤

Why would you stop working to be financially beholden to a man who says you can't afford the house. He sounds like a cunt.

You seem to be living your life waiting for a better tomorrow that will never come while living in a shit today. Your partner is toxic and is poisoning you slowly but surely. What you do about it is up to you but I would be taking a very thorough stock of things and working out the best way forward for me and DC now. As PP said, first thing is checking out his payslips.

Having re read this now I’m fully awake, must admit I’m a bit suspicious

A few years between being told he was getting the promotion, and it happening?

Sounds like it was never happening in the first place.

I would be very wary of putting yourself in the position of being financially dependent on your husband. He's already proven himself capable risking your marriage based on his cock/porn obsession and could well blow it up again at some point.

You really need to keep your job and not count on him as much. To be frank, it sounds as if you already have the ick with him anyway. It'd be a major error for you to give up work, risking your future financial security.

Considering stopping up work whilst in a marriage that’s as precarious as yours clearly is, is very foolish and short-sighted.

The picture you have painted of yourself is terrible. Sounds like there's some emotional abuse going on. I think you should separate and you need to fund your own lifestyle.

He’s telling porkies.

Posted to wring thread

Saying this to a husband/partner is not good -

if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’

one day he might take your advice 🙄

I'm also wondering why you are still with him after this - my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. ?

Given his comments about being the bigger earner I absolutely would not want to be financially dependent on him.
I think he resented your success and wanted to be the big man so he exaggerated his own promotion. Or he’s lying and intends to hide money from you.

Makes no sense

one day he might take your advice 🙄

Fingers crossed 🤞
The relationship is dead @Onetiredmummy88 it was dead from the minute he let you down after the birth of your child.
Women who's partners obliterate their first few months as a mother, never get over it. They try, but they can't. And they shouldn't. There is a special place in hell for men who ruin that time.

My very first thoughts also.

I bet he was lying all along to steal your thunder. There was no promotion. He enjoyed dangling it in front of you for years

This is what I’m thinking too - especially since he has poor attitudes and beliefs about women

Never count your chickens until they are hatched.
And you do still both have jobs.
So I think you need to get some perspective and thankfulness for what you do have.

So your h was told about a promotion with a huge new salary but this promotion took years to actually happen?? Why?? Do you think he invented it because you had just been promoted?

YABU too expect your h to support you. If you don’t like your job, look for another one.

sounds like you still resent him over paying to watch women. Would that be right?

No matter what my DH earned I would be continuing with my career
The whole thing seems very odd so you should try and discuss it and get to the bottom of it

You stuck with a bad relationship with a man that wasn't very nice to you because you thought it would pay off financially and improve your life in other ways. It hasn't. So you're just stuck with a man you don't really like with no benefit.

You mention he had therapy but not whether you have. I would think that would be helpful. It's not at all surprising that you resent him and I think you need to work through that.

I personally wouldn't trust him. If it's an actual mistake about the salary then sure that's disappointing to him but aren't alarm bells goong off. In your most vulnerable moments you can't rely on him and that tells you everything

Why would you want to trap yourself with such an untrustworthy man? I would be getting individual therapy to work through some of the anger. I wouldn't be looking to quit my job, that seems wild in this context.