AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

[Onetiredmummy88]

Hi I’m really looking for some advice or to be snapped out of this feeling.

my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. This was a longstanding issue he had and we went to therapy and resolved it, and I feel like we have moved on it’s been a few years now. A year after it happened, I was offered a promotion for a year in work and was able to gain extra qualifications, my DH supported me with this and really was happy for me.

During the promotion my husband picked me up and waited for me outside my workplace to tell some amazing news, that he was going to be getting a big promotion, This would be life changing and his salary was set increase significantly. We spoke about me taking a career break and finally getting the time I should have had from mat leave but it was ruined by everything that went on. We were so excited for our future.

Over the few years, I noticed during rows this new money would come up and if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’ my DH would say ‘only one of us can afford this house’ he started to get a little bit of an ego not all the time but enough to notice and to make me at times feel a bit inferior. DH always disputed this and maintained his family was his top priority.

Fast forward to the week of when everything was getting ‘signed’ in his work place that night we had champagne to celebrate. However, the next day I received a call with DH upset to say his salary will not be anywhere near as what he said it would. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I had it in my head for so long I could have this time off work and even potentially leave. I feel when DH told me about his new salary my motivation with work stopped and I didn’t progress after the course.

Since then, I have really felt quite distant to my DH, I’m trying to be supportive but I really feel so let down even though it is out of his control. My desire to have sex is non existent and everything he is saying or doing is irritating me. I brought up the things that happened with us previously during heated discussions and I have thrown it in his face a few times how he has let me down again. I feel a lot of this is because I am unhappy with work currently and feel I have lots of responsibilities that make me so anxious.

I feel guilty with the things I say but it’s like I can’t control it? I feel I have turned the situation toxic when I should be supporting him and I genuinely don’t know how to snap out of it. I thought after some annual leave and a holiday as a family would bring us closer but it has t worked

FYI we have been together for 11 years

At least you recognised that's it's a you problem

Firstly be kind to yourself and him. It's not him whose the problem, it's the dream you were looking forward to that has shattered. It's normal to feel massively disappointed. That's okay.

However, you know you need to move on and not take it out on him. You need to focus on the real problem which is your job. Start planning what you can do so that you're not so unhappy at work. He is getting a raise, even if not as big. Could you take parenting leave for 3 or 6 months? Then you can look at maybe changing jobs or refocus your interest in your career as you might find being at home not as exciting as you are imagining now.

Definitely apologise to your OH and try to work together about planning your future.

I don't think this relationship sounds healthy. You mention rows frequently, you mention saying stuff to deliberately hurt the other during arguments, and the timing of his promotion sounds suspiciously like one
upmanship. It sounds like you both need therapy about how to communicate

This.

This is absolutely toxic.
Probably comes back to his viewing online.

This is not a man to ever trust or rely on.

Give your head a wobble and focus on your career.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

I’m confused why it took a few years from being told about him being promoted to actually being promoted and finding out the salary. Doesn’t make sense to me!

I think giving up your job is the last thing you should be thinking about as you’ll need to financially support yourself when inevitably this marriage ends.

Why did it take so long for this promotion?

My DH is set to get a massive pay rise, he was told 2 weeks ago and it comes into effect end of July.

It took just under a year for the higher ups to get the details etc going, but he wasn't informed of any of this until it was actioned and ready to be given to him!

That’s what I was thinking.

OP had a success so he felt the need to tell her he’d be getting a massive pay increase. But one that appears to have taken years to arrive and then wasn’t massive at all. 🤔

DH has had multiple companies promised mythical promotions and pay rises that never materialise.

He now doesn't believe it unless he has something in writing.

This has included highly reputable and well respected companies.

It's bullshit that is endemic in toxic workplaces unfortunately.

That's what you should be focused on. He's working somewhere toxic that doesn't respect or value the work of staff.

He should be looking for another job if possible with a better home/work life balance and hopefully better pay that treats it's staff better.

Genuinely I've lost count of how many times DH has been promised mythical bonuses, pay rises and promotions. DH has changed jobs frequently as a result of this nonsense. It's a red flag for the work place culture. When it starts the environment generally goes down hill rapidly.

There's no company on the planet that gives an employee a "life changing" salary increase. That person is already in the company and doing good work so why on earth would they voluntarily throw more money at him even if it involves taking a new role?

OP you sound quite naive to have adapted your entire outlook based on this. It may be the fault of your DH but there needs to be some common sense as well. Especially in the current economic situation with layoffs everywhere, there's no chance a company would be handing out salary increases like whatever amount he claimed.

This too! I don't necessarily think OP's husband was lying but it sounds exactly like top tier corporate bullshit. They promise their employees everything just to get them working more and there is a 0% chance any of that will actually materialise.

Do you really belive there promised salary was ever anything but a way to manipulate you and not allow you to have your own career success?

Me too, but op- don’t be a victim. Nobody made you step back at work and it can’t have been for too long a period, it must be recoverable. You need to focus more on fixing that and less on him.
You have been a bit betrayed by him, but I think you are much much better off having to kick in at work again, given his behaviours I think it would be a very bad idea for you to give up work and be dependent on him. You certainly can’t fund the house without him if your marriage doesn’t make it. Remind yourself you’re working for your child and focus.

This was my first thought as well

I don’t think you can trust this man, OP

Why didn’t he get the pay rise he thought? Thats pretty important here.

Unfortunately, I think this is a "life lesson learned" thing:

1. Never rely on someone else to provide money to do what you want with your life.
2. Never believe employers who tell you they're going to give you a payrise.

I've never done the 1st one - I've always earned my own money, alongside my DH, but I have fallen for the latter. I was completely gaslighted by an employer for a year about a promotion & payrise, before I'd finally had enough. Fortunately I got offered an even bigger payrise elsewhere.

If you think about it, you were setting your heart on something that was at least 2 steps removed from you having any control over. As other PPs have said, you've been very naive.
Anyway, I'm sure you have learned your lesson now, the only thing you can do is move forward. Have a good long think - what do you want out of life? If it requires money, how will you acquire it (not via your DH)? Would you prefer to reduce costs instead? Do you want to stay with DH?

You both sound very materialistic. Maybe he was expecting you to get promoted as well, after your year of development? If his employer has lied to him he needs to move jobs. Arguing isn't helping, but you already know that.

Not to mention a number of years between the ‘mention’ and the actual appearance of the salary rise.

Why is it all on him to fund everything?

Neither of you is coming out of this smelling of roses. Your poor child.

One of you sounds as bad as the other.

Sounds like he’s done you a favour. You’ll have to continue working and building your career because you going to need it when the shit hits the fan again. Your marriage sounds doomed.

Of course companies do this if you make partner or something like that.

OP, irrespective if everything else, you need to keep your financial independence. It doesn’t sound as though your marriage is in a very happy place, and if things were to go seriously awry, you’d need to have the means to manage on your own, and the autonomy provided by a secure job. It really wouldn’t be sensible to give up your job to have a career break, and you might find it much harder to get back into the workplace than you think.

He was probably put forward for promotion but still had to actually do things to get it and then wait for it come in, it’s not that strange in some industries.

This.

I suspect this is a moment you'll look back on in a decade and think 'thank christ'.

What is it about your job you don't like? Would a change in hours or working pattern be better?

Make changes but make them for you and your needs - and do not be dependent on him. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

Why are you still together OP? Neither of you come out well from your post so what is making you stay? And don't use your child as an excuse as this started before he was born.