Friend has gotten really funny due to my weekend away with man

[Laurenn25]

I’ve been single for three years, single Mum to primary age DC who I’ve put first during that time. Only recently did I start looking to date again, I’ve met someone who I get along really well with and we’ve arranged a weekend away for mid-July.

My best friend had been on for a while about the two of us going away for a weekend, but for various reasons I didn’t outright commit to this. I told her it would depend on a few factors including finances.

I’ve told her about my planned weekend with the man I’m seeing and she got really funny and asked is that why I can’t go away with her. I said it wasn’t as simple as that. She said we’ve been friends for years and as soon as I’ve got a ‘sniff of cock’ I’ve dropped her. I haven’t dropped her at all.

It’s true I probably could have gone away with her, but I didn’t commit to it and can’t afford two trips now. She has made me feel a bit crap.

On the snoring/ separate bedrooms etc that's obviously a bigger cost than sharing with the boyfriend too. So the financial reason alone makes sense to me.

But OP never committed, for various reasons. No exchange of ideas, no yes if I can afford it - just a noncommittal "mm that sounds nice", from what I've read.

If I suggested a weekend away with a friend, and she said "mm maybe, I'll have to check xyz", I'd leave it with her. If she later said she's going on a weekend away with a new boyfriend, I'd be delighted for her. And suggest dinner and drinks to hear all about when she got back.

Isn't that the extent of what happened here, or should have been, except OPs friend is a bit possessive and jealous?

She’s not wrong.

I didn't know we were all morally obligated to go on holiday with friends. Sure, I loved it when I was younger, but these days there are very few people I'd want to be trapped with for several days. It doesn't mean I'm a bad friend! Eg. one of my closest friends I will NEVER go on holiday with ever again. (Went away lots when we were young.) I like her but she's so controlling and over-sensitive, I can only handle her in small doses.

On the other hand, I had a friend who effectively dropped me when I got together with my now husband. She'd make plans, and cancel when I was on my way there, or not reply to me for weeks, or show up late and say she could only stay for half an hour as she's arranged to meet someone else later. Then, when she met her partner, she was very keen on double dates and dinner parties with us.

We could just as easily tell the OP's friend: don't be the mate who can't be happy for her friend when she falls in love.

"Sisters before misters", to quote another poster, is not really a good rule. It's not that simple. It may well be that the man will be the one who's around forever and the mate isn't.

Bloody hell! You sound like a charmer and no mistake.

I can 100% see why your friend is upset.

Are you planning on having a separate bathroom to your boyfriend to avoid “that annoyance”?

This is the first time OP has dated in 3 years, of course a weekend with the new man is going to be preferable and more exciting.

The friend sounds crude and jealous.

Yes but if you want actual relationships with people, no is a complete sentence is bollocks

What a dreadful expression. I'm not sure I would want to be a friend of someone who spoke to me like that.

She has a point. You should have gone away with your friend, a 2 bed cottage would have been perfect and are not expensive. She is probably feeling really hurt.

I’ve had similar done to me.

From what I can gather, he eats a healthy diet so hopefully the state of his bowels reflect that.

It would have been lovely, but she had more extravagant (and expensive) plans than that.

Well you absolutely could have said that you struggle to sleep due to her snoring, that’s perfectly valid. But to be honest from the way you talk about it doesn’t seem like you like her very much, so rather than being fake, why don’t you just be honest and tell her you don’t want to go away with her? That way she’ll know where she stands.

I was too late to add this as an edit to my post. The word jealous was exactly my thoughts too. I couldn't be friends with someone who reffered to me as choosing 'cock' I would be choosing to distance myself from her.

I seem to have missed the bit why you're friends.

Resources and finances are limited. OP can't go on holiday with everyone that asks her - this isn't a first come, first served situation. What if another friend asked, and another?

If my friend had been single for three years, and met a nice man, I would be thrilled that she was gonna go away for a little trip with him. Because I care about my friends and they happiness and I know how hard it can be to meet someone

If she was going get a butt hurt about it and jealous, I wouldn’t want her as my friend

I don't think so, my 65 year old dad is away with a group of friends at the moment!

But regardless - you wouldn't expect it, so you would leave a vague intention hanging in the air like OP has. If she'd just said no, rather than "I can't at the moment" then friend would know where she stood.

I’ve told her about my planned weekend with the man I’m seeing and she got really funny and asked is that why I can’t go away with her. I said it wasn’t as simple as that. She said we’ve been friends for years and as soon as I’ve got a ‘sniff of cock’ I’ve dropped her. I haven’t dropped her at all. It’s true I probably could have gone away with her, but I didn’t commit to it and can’t afford two trips now. She has made me feel a bit crap

You really lack self awareness OP.

You're prioritising your money in favour of whatever man you're with. That's fair enough and I'd say most people would do this in a committed relationship, but if she really is your best and you've been talking for a while about going away, but haven't, can you really not understand or be more empathetic as to why she'd be hurt by this??

she has some habits which to be honest grate when I’ve had a weekend away with her before, the suggestions she made were all pricier than I’d have liked (I made other suggestions which she wasn’t keen on)

Why have you drip fed this information later on in the thread? Are you trying to justify your decision or make yourself feel better? I think you should be honest with your friend and just tell her that you don't enjoy going away with her and her options were too expensive, but it seems too late for that now.

Ah man, this site is full of uptight, judgy 90s women, looking at vote outcomes. A) thank you for the laugh, that was hilarious, and B) good for you! Imagine being such a shit friend, you tear them down for trying to get some dick, instead of encouraging them! Ffs. Not a good friend, is she.

To be fair to her: maybe it felt like you were stringing her along. Could you apologise for having not been upfront and maybe explain you didn't want to speak too soon and ask her to be happy for you?

Oh yeah I agree. It’s a shit saying but it’s on the MN bingo card. She probably should have been a bit more upfront and told her friend she wasn’t up for it earlier but she isn’t doing anyone wrong by preferring to go away with a new fella. The friend sounds bitter.

I'm the same age as you and I go away every year with my friend.

Yes I'm married
No it's not odd

I was dumped by a very good friend a few years ago when she met a new man. She didn't tell me at first that she'd met anyone, despite me listening to all her divorce stories and how much she hoped to meet someone. Yet, when she did, she kept quiet.

A few years later, I heard from her out of the blue, declaring that she and her boyfriend (that was the first I'd heard of him) were going to come up and visit me in my then-new house in a newly-popular part of the UK. I ignored her text and blocked her. It was so bloody hurtful.

OP is not wrong. If she wants to date, with a view maybe to a longterm relationship and/or children, she will need to invest time and money, and her life will change.

Unless OP has lots of free time and spare money, she will need to balance her love life with other commitments.

A good friend would support OP and hope she was meeting a good man!

I actively avoid people who want to put friendship in competition with intimate love or family relationships. It does not sound like OP is ditching her friend every other weekend to chase blokes. It sounds like OP's friend wants to use OP as a prop for fancy holidays, and bases the friendship on shared single status.

This! I can’t think of much better than a weekend away with my friends.