Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

[Seasideparadise]

I am probably going to lose my job soon as a result of frequent absences due to illness or my children being ill after catching the viruses from me.

I just don’t know how other people do it. I haven’t got family support around me and have got two small children. My DH works full time in a very demanding job but he is very accommodating and works around childcare responsibilities. We still struggle a lot. We have had a bad couple of months when we have been ill with viruses. Surprisingly it has been me being sick first due to the nature of my work and then bringing the illness home. I now have been warned that due to the amount of days I was sick I can lose my job if I have got another day off sick in the next 12 months. That includes any dependant leave and I just can’t see how I can force myself to not get sick.

All the absences were to cover viral illnesses and stomach bugs as I cannot imagine asking any friend to look after my sick kids. I go in every single day for example even when I had multiple broken toes.

I am so down as I am trying to do my best both at home and at work but I just can’t seem to make things work.

Why didn’t your DH take time off to look after the children?

They've decided together that he's not going to step in for sick days if it doesn't suit him because they're both choosing to prioritise his job.

OP is exhausted, catching every big going, probably about to be fired and has a poor sickness record. Jobs are thin on the ground everywhere. I'd say her chances of getting employment elsewhere, quickly enough to not be fired, are pretty much zero. She's also going to be in the same situation pretty much wherever she works. She's exhausted so will continue catching things for a while until her health picks up. She's got a little bit of the mentality of not going to work with a sniffle too (it's obvious from her posts). So she's not realistically going to be wanting to send sick kids to school or go into work herself with a cold, because she doesn't believe in it. It's a mentality that leads to increased sickness absences than the average person.

Yeh being a SAHM is a risk, but you can't avoid all risks in life. They're married. That gives some legal protection and a backup plan of a divorce settlement. It also means they're supposed to be a team, supposed to trust each other and put their faith in each other. If they're not going to do that then what was the point of getting married in the first place?

Why have kids with a husband you can't trust? May as well just get pregnant from a ONS and not tell him, less hassle. The whole point of using marriage as the basis for having kids is that you can supposedly trust each other and lean on each other in times of need. Like when you're raising little ones. If you can't or won't do this, there's really very little point in it at all and it becomes nothing more than a chance to dress up and play at being "princess" for a day while being fussed over by everyone.

This "let's be hyper-independant just in case" mentality is destroying women's lives. It's created no less of a precedent than the one you mentioned of becoming the default parent. It has created situations like the OPs, where she's run ragged and whatever she does is wrong in someone's eyes so she feels guilty constantly, contributing to her stress levels and weakened immune system that's left her floored.

Who cares about becoming default parent? That's exactly what SAHP is. And when they're no longer the SAHP a conversation can be had about the default parent status needing to change, which also means the person who was default parent taking responsibility for their own actions and refusing that role when others try to place it back upon them. It really shouldn't be a huge thing. Life situations change and so does the role various family members play in the family dynamics.

Everyone goes about these days basically acting single and child-free, except they're married with kids! Then wonders why life isn't working out so well and they're dissatisfied.

There's always a risk the marriage will end. That's life. It doesn't mean you go through life acting like it's definitely going to happen. If he leaves her she can worry about that then.

She's already said. He can earn as much in one meeting as she'll earn in two weeks. So they've chosen to prioritise his job.

Hi OP

Could you look at changing jobs to a childcare setting with a more reasonable sickness policy? Somewhere with lots of outside space as well. I think that letting kids stay at nursery with runny tummy then threatening to sanction you if you pick it up is madness

I’m not sure if I’m reading OPs posts differently but my reading is that her husband DOES take time off to look after the kids. Sometimes it’s not possible if he has something that can’t be moved. That’s how DH and I do it - look at what commitments we each have and make a call on who takes the hit that time.

The aggravating factor seems to be that OP is working in a germ factory so keeps getting ill herself (and then passing it onto the kids). I suspect the nursery’s lax approach to D&V doesn’t extend to staff working while unwell

That’s is exactly what he has been doing. Working from home the days he can etc but the 2 instances I had to call in sick was when he absolutely couldn’t reschedule for example a 1 day trip abroad for a conference and unfortunately kids got unwell on that day so I had to stay with them. It’s been too much and we are both struggling with burnout. I need to continue with the job until I find something more suitable.

This is exactly what I mean. However now it will all have to be on him without questions until I find something more flexible as I cannot be dismissed on my record. But I can never prove the sickness link with the nursery because I have my own two school age children and yes I am expected to not be sick unless it’s during my annual leave /school holidays which is understandable. I am just exhausted and I wish money grew on trees.

From the sound of it, you're pretty miserable as things stand.
Possibly you're extra anxious because you know you don't NEED the money.
Have you considered giving up paid work while your children are young to do something completely different which you would also find fulfilling?
Many of the people you perceive as somehow 'getting by', when you feel you can't, are doing this because they have absolutely no choice.
I suspect many would give anything to be in your shoes. and wouldn't hesitate a second before resigning if they could.

I absolutely need the money what made you think I didn’t ?? We would simply survive on my husbands salary (65k) in the current climate and the prices on everything. Any holidays expenses/ emergency purchases or treats for myself are covered for me and I want to have this.

I only use sick days for my own illness. I don't consider it a sick day if I have to take a day off for my DC being ill - that's what annual leave is for.

But he could take an AL day or some employers will give paid carers leave

Are you actually calling in sick for days when your DC are unwell? Surely you should use Annual Leave (either paid or unpaid) or Dependant's Leave. It can be really difficult when your DC are young and catch everything going around and your work means you are exposed to lots of bugs as well.

Are ringing in sick when your children are sick? If so why aren't you taking parental leave? Od be very worried if my job was causing me this much illness - it doesn't sound sustainable and you said you then make your children sick. It sounds like you need something more flexible where WFH is an option

Vitamin D is probably the most important nutrient for protecting against viral infections, and infections lower your D levels. I'd suggest looking at the Nutrient Teams Facebook group which has a whole protocol about how to supplement. Zinc and vitamin C are also important.

Senior HR here.

I don’t think you’ve said how much sickness absence you’ve had but it would appear it is considerably more than the other people you work with for it to have got to this point. Is there a reason for that? Could be differences in hygiene or an underlying condition.

What sort of leave are you taking when your children are ill?

The issue here is that it is all on you. You’ve a husband with a BIG JOB and apparently no family or friends you can rely on (but you mention in laws - where are they?). Unless you get a zero hours/bank type of job this is going to keep happening. An employer doesn’t have to compromise on attendance because you say there is nobody else that can look after them.

Actually, you can. If you weren't around, he'd have to. It's the reality of being a working parent, sometimes needing leave when your dc are ill.

You are getting into bother because you've had twice as much leave as you should have had, because you are doing your share and his share.

How many days have you had off?

This mostly just sounds unfortunate, although I would say, unless DH is something like a surgeon and people would die if he had time off, he can have as much time off as you. Your job is going to be as important to YOUR employer as he is to his employer. There is no reason why YOUR employer should be struggling, and you should be struggling as a result, just because he does an job that looks more important.

Jesus. Have a gold star. You seem to want one.

And how are you all passing germs around so freely? You say your kids are in school, so 4+. Apart from one bout of norovirus which DD passed to DH many moons ago, and hand foot and mouth which she gave me, none of us have caught anything off one another, including Covid in almost 16 years.

Boots sell an anti viral hand foam which is really good. Sounds like you could use some.

@Seasideparadisehow many days off are we actually talking? Sorry if you’ve already replied, I can see a few people have asked the same question. It’s difficult to gauge without knowing… I mean at the end of the day, it’s very hard on the employer and service users if someone is absent every couple of weeks. The business still has running costs and the service users still expect the same level of service.

I don’t think your position was unusual - we had 3 children, no family nearby so no back up. They were in nursery and dh I both worked full time. And this was a few decades ago when flexible working was far less common. I worked in teaching so was surrounded by potential viruses and bugs from being cooped up with over 100 different teenagers a week! Maybe that improved my immune system over time, but I do remember how tough it was and I just used to manifest my children being healthy and hope it worked! On a practical note, scrupulous hand washing, vitamins and things like first defense spray do help to ward off some bugs.

So am I right in thinking that if your husband is away and your child is poorly then you’re ringing in sick to work that day? No wonder they’re fed up - that’s not supposed to be a sickness day.

are they school age? How much are they actually missing due to illness? Are the kept at home with slight snotty noses or coughs?

Oh please stop with this. No illness in 16 years, I am sorry I do not believe you and it doesn’t help me nor any other woman in a similar situation either.

Someone once said to me that if both parents work, they need to have at least one of the following supports in place: a flexible job (ideally both parents); local/supportive family willing to step in; a nanny. Otherwise trying to hold onto a job alongside having young children is virtually impossible. Not much help to you OP but I agree that it’s very hard when it feels like they are picking up every bug going. There’s no easy fix, but both of you need to share responsibility for sick children.

It’s true. I have never had Covid and I was working in the NHS in 2020-21. DH had it twice and DD once. Had 2 weeks off with a bad back after a car accident in 2021. No sickness since.

DD has very rarely had any sort of tummy bug and I can’t remember the last time anyone had flu. Colds seem to pass in a couple of days and we don’t seem to catch them from one another.

Both DH and I have BIG JOBS and no family within 200 miles either so I do get it. I never accepted that having a vagina meant all childcare was on my shoulders though so DH is also willing and able to do more than his fair share when we are well or unwell.