Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

[Seasideparadise]

I am probably going to lose my job soon as a result of frequent absences due to illness or my children being ill after catching the viruses from me.

I just don’t know how other people do it. I haven’t got family support around me and have got two small children. My DH works full time in a very demanding job but he is very accommodating and works around childcare responsibilities. We still struggle a lot. We have had a bad couple of months when we have been ill with viruses. Surprisingly it has been me being sick first due to the nature of my work and then bringing the illness home. I now have been warned that due to the amount of days I was sick I can lose my job if I have got another day off sick in the next 12 months. That includes any dependant leave and I just can’t see how I can force myself to not get sick.

All the absences were to cover viral illnesses and stomach bugs as I cannot imagine asking any friend to look after my sick kids. I go in every single day for example even when I had multiple broken toes.

I am so down as I am trying to do my best both at home and at work but I just can’t seem to make things work.

If you need the income and it’s your job causing the illnesses then I’d start looking for another job now.

Definitely agree with your last sentence. Women are still expected to work like we don't have kids, and have kids like we don't work.

Why is it just your responsibility? Your dh should be taking equal sick days/ annual leave/ dependants leave.
the higher earner often has more flexibility and can make up time/ wfh.

Have you had any discussions with your GP about why you keep getting so ill so often, or for so long? Appreciate you could have just been unlucky but unless you have an unusually draconian sickness policy it seems unusual to hit the triggers enough that your job is at risk, from day to day viruses.
I say this as someone who eventually got diagnosed with asthma as an adult, and I had to really push for it (on advice as a friend) because my regular GP assumed if it was possible that I would have been diagnosed much younger.

How many days off are we talking?

Are you using sick leave or annual leave? Is there an option to use annual leave so your overall absences are reduced?

It sounds like WFH or building up a bank of hours to use flexibly isn't an option.

Unfortunately if your husband can't share the load at all, through WFH, annual leave or dependents leave, you need to raise the bar for what takes you and your family off sick. That can feel so cruel for small children, but if they're well enough to eat a breakfast and aren't vomitting / have a tummy bug, it's dose them up and send them in for a lot of parents. In an ideal world for infection control no one would do this, in reality every family I know does.

Try prevent infection through vitamins / probiotics / good hand hygiene where you can.

I'm finding it difficult now as well. Not so much with sickness but with working shifts and my work not being very accomodating with flexible hours. I've actually recently started paying a family member to watch my kid when me or her dad can't plus I have nursery days which aren't that helpful as I work late a lot. Otherwise I'll have to try and use AL through the year on days I can't get childcare. For your predicament, could you apply for other jobs more suitable if this job keeps making you ill?

I appreciate all the replies it’s a dead circle to be honest and it highlights many other issues. I work in childcare where we do not do for example send children home with diarrhoea unless it happens multiple times (this is our management’s policy). So I am always next to sick children in one way or another. We often get children who are clearly feverish but parents send them to the nursery and we end up looking after them. I do not want to be that parent when it comes to my own children but ultimately it affects my own job as a result. Yes , I do want to keep my job and I will do my best not to miss a day in the next 6 months at least. My husband does a lot and he earns a lot more so on a rare occasion he has got important event we have to take this into consideration and I had to be off work.

He does but I cannot ask him not to go on a work conference last minute for example that would allow him to earn more than me working daily for 2 weeks and it is a family decision. I still need my job for my independence, additional income and the joy it brings me. I feel a lot of guilt either way as our kids are too young to be left alone etc and I haven’t got anyone who would look after them whilst they are sick.

Does your DH not get full sick pay? Sounds like he is in a corporate job with 'conferences' most offer decent sick pay

If he is sick yeah. Weirdly the OP hasn't mentioned him catching all the bugs

This. I work looking after other children and love that but I rarely even speak about my own children /childcare struggles with my colleagues as I don’t want to come across as weak or using it as excuses. I mentioned recently how having so many unwell children in the nursery who we are not sending back (for example with high fevers, runny tummy) doesn’t help with illnesses that spread out like fire . I was just told that as I am quite young I shouldn’t be getting sick so frequently on the first place or that I should invest in good vitamins or talk to my GP to rule out other problems.

I am just raising this here as I feel so overwhelmed and lonely . DH is doing his best to support but I don’t want to lose my job and live off one income as I love my job and so am great at it when I am there .

My husband does a lot and he earns a lot more so on a rare occasion he has got important event we have to take this into consideration and I had to be off work.

No, you didn't. You choose to put your job bottom of the pile and your employer rightly isn't standing for it.

I am not saying my employer isn’t right . I am saying how am I as a woman with small children meant to exist in this society /world where I feel guilty if I do not work and guilty if I do work. What if I didn’t even have a husband ?

What if you had two husbands? What's the point of a what if?

You started a thread about your situation, not a general discussion about women in the workplace.

So are you saying your dh wouldn’t get paid for that work conference if he had to look after his own children?

I work for the NHS and pretty much every working mum i know with primary School aged kids is on stage one sickness protocol because if you have more than three episodes of sick a year, this means you’ve reportable.

No account taken for the fact that every winter there’s bugs going round. I’ve been on a stage one twice.

No advice I just wanted to show that you aren’t alone. Our household once at eight stomach bugs in a 12 month period. Pretty sure it was the norovirus every time.

you keep saying your dh does ‘a lot’ but that doesn’t actually mean anything.

is he taking off 50% of the times the children are sick?

But that's you personally feeling guilty for working, plenty of women don't feel guilty for working. You just have a different mindset. If my kids are ill, I will try to sort any alternative childcare I can, and I will be off as last resort

I think you should ask your work to do a risk assessment regarding staff catching illness from children in your care. It may make them think twice about sacking you if they get a hint of an employment tribunal looming. Put it all in writing and keep records. You have nothing to lose by doing this and it might actually get better

Can you look for a job in a different nursery that has a stricter policy on child sickness? Many places will send kids home or not accept them in for one instance of D&V or a high temp.

I haven’t got a childcare to sort as my husband and I are their only childcare.

I seriously doubt your work will follow through on their threat. Good childcare staff are like gold dust. I’d start looking for a new job where they don’t make threats to you for circumstances resulting from their own sickness policy

Are you with a union? If their policies are in part contributing to your illness then surely they’re in a tricky position talking about you losing your job?

Thank you . I just feel so inadequate as a person that I am ill so often, that I haven’t been fortunate with parents by my side here to provide last minute emergency childcare. Yet, I am trying my best but I know it is not good enough for my employer. I completely understand that being off work is not ok and as I mentioned I had instances when I would work through a lot of pain, with bad viral infections etc but I haven’t got this option for my kids . Thank you for sharing this , makes me feel less alone.

I’d personally be concerned if you’re all getting so sick you can’t go into work/nursery/school this much… I understand young children pick up viruses a lot but it’s not often they’re so sick they can’t go to nursery surely. The only reason I kept mine off at that age was stomach bugs or particularly high temps, otherwise they went in with Calpol and nursery were happy to accommodate because I was paying a lot and we both worked.