Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

[Seasideparadise]

I am probably going to lose my job soon as a result of frequent absences due to illness or my children being ill after catching the viruses from me.

I just don’t know how other people do it. I haven’t got family support around me and have got two small children. My DH works full time in a very demanding job but he is very accommodating and works around childcare responsibilities. We still struggle a lot. We have had a bad couple of months when we have been ill with viruses. Surprisingly it has been me being sick first due to the nature of my work and then bringing the illness home. I now have been warned that due to the amount of days I was sick I can lose my job if I have got another day off sick in the next 12 months. That includes any dependant leave and I just can’t see how I can force myself to not get sick.

All the absences were to cover viral illnesses and stomach bugs as I cannot imagine asking any friend to look after my sick kids. I go in every single day for example even when I had multiple broken toes.

I am so down as I am trying to do my best both at home and at work but I just can’t seem to make things work.

First off, it sounds like you're in the very worst part of this where your children's immune systems are quite undeveloped, and it will get better. In the first year she was in childcare my DD was endlessly off sick and I thought it would never end, but it did.

But I agree OP that your DH needs to step up here. It sounds like he has the important "big job" syndrome. It's simply not sustainable in a two income family for one parent to bear all the cost of childcare-related absence. Much of the point of being in a partnership (as opposed to a single parent family) is to share the load.

Is your DH aware how close you are to losing your job?

Op, sometimes life takes over and you just need to do your best. Start looking for another job, not because it will be better but because you can start with a new slate not having the stress of a disciplinary over sick absences as you have had so many already. It will also be easier to find a job if you have one than if you have been dismissed.

with regards to catching so many bugs… after years of working in a hospital I can say that the way to avoid illnesses is relatively simple, as with Covid… wash your hands all the time, don’t put them near your face and do not ever lick your fingers. If your children are still sucking their thumbs or licking their fingers after touching food… they will be ill all the time.

I work in health OP and theres nothing wrong with you. Its a natural immune response. I'm actually quite angry on your behalf...they're expecting you to work constantly around little ones with repeat diarrheah, fevers, stomach bugs, and so on, then criticise you for catching the bugs you are constantly exposed to?

Have you thought about private care? I had a friend that did that as private childcare out of her home. She always had a small group of kids and seemed to really enjoy it.

OP, I'm also on Stage 1 sickness/absence (I'm a teacher), as is another colleague with similar age kids in my department. It's shit because I definitely feel that I do as much as I possibly can to avoid being off, but sometimes you get sick and kids get sick.

It doesn't seem as if the DH is always ill

Your employer needs to stop accepting sick kids into the nursery for a start, it sounds like a plague infested hell hole. Do they have good hygiene practices? Good ventilation, cleaning, etc. Do you have all your vaccinations eg flu?
I would be looking for another job that is less germy. And yes have a check up to see if you have any underlying conditions.
If you're not turning up to work that will leave them below ratio potentially so I can see why they are being strict. It is hard if you've no back up but the usual back up for childcare, grandparents, wouldn't want to be exposed to stomach bugs either so it's up to the parents (both of them) usually if kids are sick.

Are you genuinely a sick person? Are you school/nursery sending kids home unnecessarily? This seems an unusual amount of sickness and ill health. My last day off sick was 6 years ago with covid, and before that who knows, maybe 3 days in 20 years! I also have 3 children and work from home if they are sick. But again, handful of times over 11 years and split with husband, so maybe a couple of days when I have been wfh with a sick child.

If you work in childcare have you thought about setting up your own business as a childminder even just doing local school pick ups/ drop off can be quite lucrative

Firstly, make sure your immune system is getting some help with vitamins etc.

second, can you change jobs - some agencies supply staff to nurseries across an area when they need staff are to meet their ratios. Like “bank” shift worker. Then you could simply refuse shifts when you’re ill or you need to look after kids. Could something like that work?

Respectively this is just not normal too. Some people push themselves through to the limits and constantly say ‘it’s just a cold ‘ and get others unwell as a result. My in laws are like that they came to visit a newborn baby once with just a cold when it was a full on flu. Also never missed a day off work in years

This is something I am currently considering.

Can you change to part time? It would keep your employment ticking over but buy you time to keep healthy.
Use unpaid parental leave for holidays and keep annual leave for kids sickness. Also use unpaid emergency leave if its critical.

I swear I have PTSD after those early years as a working (PT) lone parent with limited, then no support.

What happens with pick ups and drop offs - it sounds like DH usually manages these but you will take emergency leave if he’s got something important at work, or have I misunderstood?

If this is happening frequently it will compound the issue. Can you organise breakfast and after school clubs?

What about switching to nannying or childminding op? Fewer children to care for so fewer germs and more flexible in terms of days/hours.

If you don’t mind me asking what happens at these meetings ? I just need to be a little prepared so I don’t just collapse and start crying from exhaustion.

If you’re at risk of losing your job your husband needs to step up and take some days off. End of. It makes zero sense for you to continue to do it and end up losing your job.

Is that going to be helpful to parents to have a childninder who is always coming down with something though? If the OP did that surely she would be screwing over her clients leaving them without childcare each time she's off sick

Surely if you keep being ill due to work management sickness protocols, ie children with diarrhea don't immediately get sent home then surely that can't count against your sickness record?
Perhaps work need to reconsider health and safety (cleaning up after ill children etc) and when they send children home/don't allow them to come in.
Also look at whatever you can do to boost your own immunity. Being constantly ill for a chunk of time can really knock you for 6!

If you and your husband see his work as too important to take time off for childcare then yes- you cannot continue with your work and childcare responsibiities. That is probably a rational economic decision even if it frustrates you.

I feel for you in this situation. I do remember a period of my life when either myself or my children were constantly bouncing off illnesses off each other and my immune system was on the floor and could not cope.

It is not realistic for you not to take off another day off sick in the next 6 months. You had a verbal warning. This is what it was, in plain management speak.The most likely next step is a disciplinary.

It won't be easy to change jobs with a disciplinary record in place. It's not going to be easy to change jobs now because most references mention sickness levels in the previous 2 months.

I think you should consider writing to you employer "without prejudice" email with "without prejudice" in the heading and somewhere in the email asking for a "without prejudice" meeting. "Without prejudice" is a legal way for an employer and an employee to have a frank conversation without a worry that an employee will use whatever has been discussed in "without prejudice" meeting in a future Employment Tribunal claim.

During this meeting you could ask whether your employer would be prepared to let you leave with an agreed reference without mentioning your sickness levels. You can insist to see the text of the agreed reference. There is always a risk someone will "leak" information to a prospective employer. However it should not happen.

The alternative would be to hope for a miracle that you won't be taking any days off sick in the next 6 months. I have been a manager myself and I understand a fair amount of employment law (I am not a lawyer). I seriously do think the next step is a disciplinary process. I am sure you are a nice person doing your best. However the nursery management has their legal obligations to meet. Should anything happen to a child in their care, heads will roll.

I think your best bet would be to accept children won't stay young forever and theirs and yours sickness levels is not a reflection of you as a mum and as a human being. However it would be prudent to remove yourself from the situation where you are at a very real risk of being disciplined/dismissed because this could really affect your future employment prospects.

Reckon you need to redefine "joy" OP. You're constantly ill, your kids are constantly ill, you're stressed and about to lose your job. You're feeling guilty about potentially having to become a germ spreader and send your sick kids to nursery and go to work sick yourself. None of this sounds fun. I get that you enjoy the job when it's going well, but life isn't just about a job and the whole package deal isn't working. You're supporting DHs career at the expense of your own and that's a family decision you're all happy with. Except you're not actually happy.

My solution: stop trying to be all things to all people. You're not superwoman, she doesn't exist. Stop trying to protect other parents and their children from germs. Stop trying to prioritise your employer over your health by going along with their unrealistic healthcare practices. Stop accepting the status quo from DH.

Stay home, raise your kids. Everyone will be healthier and therefore happier. You can support DH career even more than you do now. In return he can support you better.
Firstly by paying into a pension for you and voluntary NI contributions so you can get a state pension too.
He can take annual leave on occasion to stay home with the kids while you do some kind of industry training to keep your hand in, so your skills and qualifications don't become obsolete (he can pay for the course, any travel and accommodation costs). Then you can return to your career when life is less hectic and sick kids can be left on the sofa with a blanket, remote control for the TV and a lemsip while you go off to work all day. 10+ should do it, if they're genuinely sick they won't be getting up to mischief and if they're less sick they can have some paracetamol or immodium and go to school.

DH needs to realise that if he wants his career prioritised that means he steps up and provides, for you as an individual, not just for the family in a bare-bones way. This includes access to a joint account for daily living expenses and also some of his salary paid directly into your own account from his on payday - for personal spends on whatever you like, with no justifying it to anyone else, or saving it into your own savings account for a rainy day if you prefer. You don't have to have a job to feel independent, just a good DH who's willing to truly share.

If one salary means you have to cut back as a family then that's what you do, all of you. Not DH keeping his chosen standard of living and the rest of you scraping by, feeling guilty for buying anything that isn't essential food or the gas bill. If you need a cheaper house, sort that out. If he's amassing huge savings/or putting into his own pension by an excessive amount, and that has to stop to free up some funds so you can have a pension/some personal spends too, then so be it and he'll have to cut his saving back. So that fucks up his retirement plan? Tough shit. You had kids together and that's fucked up your career. It's time for him to eat shit too, it's not all on you.

You're currently not really working as a team. Which is shown by the fact you're on here looking for a magic solution that doesn't exist instead of talking to your DH about practical solutions for making life work. Go talk to him and tell him to pull his finger out, because he can't have it both ways. He can't be the priority and do the bare minimum childcare/school/ sickness duties, while you work yourself into the ground supporting everyone except yourself - all in the name of feminism or girl power or independence or whatever else you've tippexed out the word "mug" with and written in it's place.

I'm not saying he's a bad man or bad DH or doesn't care etc. Just that he's so far been a bit cushioned from the realities of life and parenthood, by you. It's time to unveil those realities and have a conversation about how "equality" doesn't mean one of you scrabbling around all over the place trying to make a situation work that just doesn't. You don't have to be the same as him to be equal, but you do have to work as a team. If he's a decent man he'll listen and be willing to change.

Or the OP could get a job that is less germy, less hours, more flexible eg bank staff.
Ask her H to step in for sick kids days for the next year? If he's quite senior he could flex more perhaps, if he wanted to.
She says she enjoys her job, and anyway giving up work completely is a massive risk, no matter how much pocket money your husband gives you. It is very hard to get back into work having completely stopped for many years. Some women do manage it but a lot don't, as they lose confidence and are established as the housekeeper/ default parent so that becomes entrenched. And God forbid the husband leaves, that can really leave the non working spouse in a pickle.

I’ve left three jobs over the years because of this, I became a sahm for five years because we were on the ground and both of our managers were threatening us and money wise the equivalent of my wage went on childcare. I don’t know how to help but I would say people who can do both obviously have some amazing back up in some way and the you can have it all thing is really for very lucky people!!! I’ve had to stop myself quitting a number of times from this job when I had to call in sick because my son had a bug.

I’m so sorry it’s really hard to juggle it all. I was very lucky in that we had available willing grandparents to help us out but it was still hard, working full time with little kids. It’s not you. Things will get better though don’t despair.

I used to do a high level corporate job, but if my children were ill I’d work from home if at all possible, unless there was a business trip or an in-person meeting that I could not reschedule or get out of. Did what I could during the day and caught up with the rest once my husband got home. Might this be an option for your husband?