Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

[Seasideparadise]

I am probably going to lose my job soon as a result of frequent absences due to illness or my children being ill after catching the viruses from me.

I just don’t know how other people do it. I haven’t got family support around me and have got two small children. My DH works full time in a very demanding job but he is very accommodating and works around childcare responsibilities. We still struggle a lot. We have had a bad couple of months when we have been ill with viruses. Surprisingly it has been me being sick first due to the nature of my work and then bringing the illness home. I now have been warned that due to the amount of days I was sick I can lose my job if I have got another day off sick in the next 12 months. That includes any dependant leave and I just can’t see how I can force myself to not get sick.

All the absences were to cover viral illnesses and stomach bugs as I cannot imagine asking any friend to look after my sick kids. I go in every single day for example even when I had multiple broken toes.

I am so down as I am trying to do my best both at home and at work but I just can’t seem to make things work.

Sorry to read you’re having a hard time. As you say most times you cannot stop yourself, the children or anyone in the house getting sick. You say your husband works around childcare responsibilities does that include when they are sick. If not perhaps he needs to take time off when the children are ill.
As for yourself it’s shit that you’re now in that situation but from an employer’s point of view they cannot go on having an employee who has lots of sick absence if it’s not covered by disability etc which presumably they are paying you for. I’m not sure what you’re job is but if it’s causing you to pick up viruses etc I think you need to have a discussion with your boss to find out why and ask for a risk assessment to be done to see what measures can be potentially put in place to try and prevent you getting ill in the first place.

Having a broken toe would not be a reason for not going to work. I don’t think broken toes are even worthy of an A and E visit according to a doctor friend. I was a teacher and worked with broken toes ( Tall teenage sons and me with bare feet) I am more careful now.
I found as a teacher I developed a strong immune system which helped. I never had any family to help me but occasionally I would ask a school Mum friend and pay her to have my sick child. I felt very guilty. There are strict rules in most work places now to help with time off for a sick child.
Children quickly develop strong immune systems. It will get better.

How many occourances (and how many days total) have you had as:
Illness for you
Child care for ill kids - and what fraction of the total is this, ie how many has DH taken?

That’s exactly what I said that I went in with multiple broken toes despite being in a lot of pain. Most of my friends are single mums who work too so I can’t really send children with a stomach bug or fever for them to look after so they miss out on work themselves when they get sick. DH has been working around pick ups and drop offs a lot but if he has got a very important meeting or conference I just can’t justify not taking time off for my kids. It’s just so difficult it seems like nobody around me has got these issues and I am the only one.

Well, if you're in danger of losing your job, I'd be expecting your dh to cover all leave for the dc and probably dragging myself into work no matter how sick I was.

You probably need a higher bar for how sick you need to be to be off, and your dh will have to do more if your job is the inflexible one.

Can you make plans in advance for the dc being sick? Is there a relative who could drop everything to have them? Or a paid emergency nanny you could build up a relationship with?

Your dh is equally a parent and I can understand why your work are unhappy to bear the full cost of absence. Your dh needs to do a fair share regardless of his work.

i couldn’t walk at all for 2 weeks when I broke my toe ! It was excruciating

I actually do not know how anyone can work, have kids and have no back up plan and no help. I would have been screwed without my parents, without a husband with a very flexible job and my even more flexible self employment. I feel for you OP,

firstly, do you NEED the job? If you do then there isn’t much you can do except drag yourself in, get your dh to do all child related sick days for the next year and just hope you don’t get any bad bugs that wipe you out. Are you taking unpaid parental leave or are you calling in sick? Can you use holiday? Can you use one of those ad hoc nanny services if children are unwell? Can you work from home?

If you need to keep your job then your DH will need to step in and cover any child sickness so that you don't lose your job. Otherwise you need to be very clear to your DH that you will lose your job and therefore your income if you can't cover the child sickness absences.

If you are repeatedly getting sick from catching viruses at work, then I would agree with previous posters that there needs to be a discussion at work about that, and what steps could be taken to mitigate any risks.

For the longer term, can you look to see if you can find a job that has a work from home element which may mean you catch fewer illnesses and can work through them more as you wouldn't have to travel or go into a workplace.

OP that sounds really hard. What kind of work do you do?

Agree with this.

I used my annual leave to cover mine and my kids sickness, so I didn't show as sick. They are teens now and I still have not got out the habit of saving leave to cover my or the kids' sickness. It also meant I had very little actual time off, but like you otherwise I think I would have lost my job as had no family support! It required a flexible manager and often I would end up working from home anyway.

That very much depends on the salary split. As parents we have one of us earning 180k+ and the other 35k. We would never risk the 180k job under any circumstances. It makes no sense to.

Do you work in healthcare? Is your employer doing anything to help infection control if you are picking up bugs all the time (e.g. PPE)? And how much absence and how frequently are we talking about?

Are you in a union? Time to join if you can. They can't help with pre existing issues but I think from now on their support would be invaluable. I would check the work sickness policies to ensure that all of their procedures have been followed to the letter. And email back to ask them to confirm that if you have a sickness bug they expect you to attend work. DH will have to take the hit if the kids are sick and if you get sick you'll have to go in although could investigate whether you can take A/L instead.

So he’s not their dad?

For those saying dh needs to pick up more sick leave if the dc are ill - after a certain amount of absences wouldn't he face the same problem? They've got to be careful they don't both end up in this position due to these work related viruses being passed around.
There are no easy answers. The government say there is a declining birth rate and they want us women to get back on the baby production line, but the odds are always stacked against us making it work 😏

Surprisingly it has been me being sick first due to the nature of my work and then bringing the illness home.

What do you do for a living @Seasideparadise ?

Agree the salary split needs to be considered. But if you need to keep your job then you DH will have to step up. It sounds like while he’s done pick ups, you’ve taken all the kids sick days and that’s not fair or sustainable for your employer.

What viral illness are you going off sick with?

You don’t say how many days/occasions you have been sick and in what period.
Children’s illnesses shouldn’t be logged as sick leave for you - or are you telling work that you are sick so you can be off with sick kids? If you are, you need to stop that.
If your children are sick then your husband needs to take his turn at being off work.
Where do you work where picking up sickness is frequent? Is your immune system in need of a boost? What things do you do to try and prevent some
illnesses - vitamins, frequent hand washing, handwashing after public transport etc? It won’t eliminate everything but will go a good way.

How many days off a) sick b) with sick children have you had off in last 6 months?

Do you need the job OP? As a family? If so then however much you may not have been able to justify DH missing a meeting in the past, you NEED to justify it now because it’s either he miss the meeting or you lose your job.

Unless youd family can manage on one income then your husband may need to find a way to juggle his Very Important Meetings in order to do his fair share of looking after his sick kids.