To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

What do the children want to do? What would you say if it was your mother who wanted to take them away?

My in-laws took my three kids away for this sort of trip both in UK and abroad from those sort of ages. They had a fantastic time each time.

They would like to take them to theme park, not to the other side of the world.

My oh has a daughter in law with a similar attitude. He now has no relationship at all with his grandchildren and the way their attitude is doesn’t want to. Be very careful how you manage this.

Yeah they can't just inform you they are taking your children anywhere. Not their place at all.

Not the point i know but how will the logistics work? The kids can't go on rides on their own. Are the in laws up for going on rides? Mine wouldn't be beyond a gentle trundle, but they were older. Seems an odd choice if it's rides centred. Your 4 year old will have limited options unless they are unusually tall, your 8 year old more choice but that might upset 4 year old to watch order one on rides?

That said 4 adults for an activity for 2 kids is excessive unless the adults all like rides too.

Have they taken other grandchildren? When my mum took my boys it was a given she would take sisters children when they were old enough, so asking for dates was because it was always known that they would get their turn

Not sure if im missing something here but the grandparents appear to be doing something nice for their grandchildren. I do think they should have discussed it with you but that aside why wouldn't you allow this?
Do you want to do everything for the first time with your children?
My parents did lots of lovely things with my boys and as a result have always had a close relationship. This night have been a picnic in the park or a holiday abroad. My boys loved this as children so why would I want to stop them from enjoying their life

It’s an extremely boundary-pushing way of dealing with another adult. No one likes being handled like this, even if the trip itself is ok. The normal, respectful thing to do is ask you in private. You are their parents. I’m not surprised you feel uncomfortable. You feel the normal discomfort people get when someone crosses a line. I would be distrustful of them generally as a consequence and would think they are likely to do it again.

I think what it actually comes down to is that you’re selfish.

I doubt there’s any real concern about PIL’s ability to look after your children safely for a few days - this is more to do with the fact that you want the “glory” of taking them to a place like that ….except in 8 years, you haven’t.

It’s only now that your MIL is suggesting taking the kids, you either want to veto the whole trip so you can do it first, or tag along.

It’s a bad job when you can only find the enthusiasm to go when someone else has the potential to beat you to it.

Do you trust them? I’m assuming you do as they’ve been for two nights in a row at their house. Honestly I personally I don’t see it a problem. I also don’t consider 8 and 4 too young. I think it’s an amazing idea and opportunity for your children to enjoy some quality time with their grandparent/s. I have to say I’m always quite confused why some don’t see the importance of our children to spend quality time with their grandparents with out us parents being there.

if you don’t trust them that’s a different story.

You sound dramatic. How is going from 2-3 nights a much bigger deal?

If you don't want to outright say no just say you'll have to get back to them about dates but never do

It’s your decision but I think it’s a nice idea, my parents and in laws did this and kids loved it. Sometimes think in-laws can’t win, people moan they don’t make an effort to do anything with kids and then moan when they do. I agree they should have said to you both first though

If they’re not used to being away from you then 3 nights is a long time. Theme parks can be very overwhelming for young children, hours walking around or stuck on queues.
what I would do is suggest a time that you can all go together for all of the reasons you have said, wanting to experience their first time is totally understandable but to also be there for them at night time if they are upset or during the day if they are overwhelmed, there’s nothing wrong with that.
It also gives everyone the option to split up & enjoy things more age appropriate for each child & join up for the activities that don’t have age restrictions. I’m not sure Grandma has really thought this through properly. If you do manage to go together you could give the kids the option of having a sleep over in the grandparents room.

I wouldn’t let my kids go away with someone who clearly doesn’t have common sense enough to talk to you guys privately in a polite manner about the potential of a trip. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Screw all the mean mums on here. If your gut says no, then say no. 4 year olds need a lot of supervision, some older generations think all sorts of unsafe things are totally fine (well their kids didn’t die etc etc). I’d rather hurt MILs feelings than have my child die because they forgot to lock the door or thought their sibling was looking after them, or other unsafe nonsense.

Think it’s lovely they want to bond and spend time with your kids. These were the sorts of holidays the kids will fondly recall as they’re older. Personally I would put my own frustrations aside and let them go…providing they are safe and responsible. 4 year old will be a lot of energy. Will they manage 3 days? I can’t think of a theme park in the UK where 3 days could be spent, so are they wanting to go abroad? That’s where I would probably press pause, as if they struggle being away, it’s not just a few hours back easily in a car.

However generally yes I think this is really great.

Reverse your thinking your the mother in law and not allowed to take your grandchildren on holiday. You would be gutted. My mother took my kids for weeks during the summer.

Common sense or pure manipulation....

I'd be delighted if someone else took them there and was willing to stand in all the interminable queues all day.

But anyway, those of us who had to work for a living when our kids were little "missed" lots of things with them. So what?

Unless there is a drip feed coming & your children are ND/SEN/can’t cope with new things, I think you are being a bit ridiculous & a bit precious

at 8 & 4 they are probably just the right ages. You can’t be that bothered about this ‘first’ the oldest is 8 and not been to a theme park.

It seems that you aren’t putting your kids first here but more trying to have a control battle with the MIL

let them go & consider yourself lucky that you have grandparents that want to be hands on. It take's a village & the more people that your chidren have to love them the better

But it’s your DH, the children’s father you need to be discussing this with.

I agree that your ILs should have spoken directly with you and your DH before mentioning it in front of the children but that’s no reason for an outright no. If the theme park is one which is suitable for younger children, plus the children are used to overnight stays with them, it sounds like something you might consider rather than a blanket ‘no’.

Even if you have 100% YABU you don't have to let your children go on any trip you are unhappy with, especially if you are feeling bounced into it.

It wouldn't bother me, my parents have taken all 4dc to various theme parks including Disneyland Paris from when they were about 4. I've never been to a theme park with them as I couldn't afford it! They are all adults now (youngest 18) and they have very fond memories.

👍🏻 a very obvious omission … how can anyone reply without this information.

Hi all, thanks for the comments. I’ll be happy for them to go, I don’t want them to miss out.

It’s all fine, just my stubbornness about how it was brought up getting in the way but I’m totally ok now.

Just needed some perspective.