To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

I see the issue OP - I think that 4 is too young to properly appreciate a theme park; plus I can see why you would want to do this as a family.

Disagree. My first visit to Efteling just before I turned 4 cemented my love of theme parks. My daughter went to Paultons for her 4th birthday, 4 years and many theme parks later she still talks about her "first proper coasters".

However I'd question if inlaws are the right people for a first theme park trip. Are they fit and healthy enough to ride everything the oldest child may be able to access? Mine are 8 and 11, both tall for their age but there are plenty of rides that still require one of us to accompany them. Could they manage expectations? Given the age gap, splitting up would make the most sense but then requires both of inlaws to ride. If they don't, there will be lots of standing around which doesn't make a fun day out.

I don’t take a pushchair, my 4yo spends her weekends at big siblings sports- walking out onto oval with me at each quarter for my role, back, asking for snacks, playing, running her to the toilet half way around the oval, doing emergency pees because we can’t get to the bathrooms in time, it was just the same with her brothers and they are all fit and sporty and we do not coddle them, but 4 year olds are going to be… 4? And say my legs are tired? And not move quickly when you have to get somewhere quickly like to the match? Or to the car parked 800m away to get to the next training? And maybe they don’t all eat nonstop and as soon as they’ve finished one snack say I’m hungry what can I EAT?? But all of mine definitely have. I have done a lot of taking 4yos out.

I wouldn’t allow it at those ages and would be annoyed that this was first mentioned in front of the kids.

It's entirely your decision.

My kids were 4&6 when my mum took them away for February half term. I felt really uncomfortable about it right up until they got there. However the discomfort was me not them and they were only 3 hours away still in the UK. I could have driven at any point and picked them up. The difference also being that it was a large family holiday of 5 kids and 4 adults so it wasn't as if it was one adult taking my kids.

They had a fab time, DD is now 7 and has two brownie camps over the summer. She can't wait to go on them and I honestly think she needed that week away from me earlier this year.

We have still done family holidays just the 4 of us this year. It's nice for them to have a mix of both worlds I think.

My DD4 has just gone off with my parents for a 5 days to the other side of the country. My DD8 did the same the summer before he started school too.

Personally I think it is nice for my parents to get to spend 1 on 1 time with my children. I did the same with my grandparents even flying from another country at one point when I was about 10 years old.

3 nights at a theme park, some distance travelling, eating out all the time.....got to be disneyland haven't it??? I wouldn't begrudge my children that experience as likely we would never be able to afford to take them.

Unless there's some backstory here I think you are being ridiculous.

My mum takes all her grand kids to a holiday park for a long weekend once a year and they absolutely love it. She starts when they are 3. PIL take our kids on their narrow boat twice a year every year for 3 or 4 nights. It's wonderful, they have brilliant time.

But I trust my children's grandparents implicitly, I guess if I didn't it would be different.

Two issues being conflated here: 1) OP not sure her DC, esp the younger, is ready for a trip of this sort yet and b) the fact that she was not actually asked permission to have the boys but told. The latter is enough to tell them no.

I’d tell them that as they didn’t have the courtesy or consideration to consult with me prior to raising the idea in front of my boys, it will not be happening this year. Full stop. However if I feel my DC are old enough/ready next year, I would be open to a discussion on the matter then. With me before raising with the children. They are my children and I will decide who has them, when, and for how long.

I have wonderful and engaged GPs/PiLs who had my children regularly when this age - but they approached me first, discussed whether DH and I would be happy for them to have the kids and what the parameters around that were.

Why don’t you take them yourself if you want to be ‘first’ ?
You could also join the trip.

"I’d be more than happy for the 6 of us to go on this trip with them taking them off for the morning/afternoon/day."

I'd suggest this in that case. I think wanting to be there for their first Disney experience or equivalent is very understandable.

So a trip for 3 nights to a theme park (this country or abroad?) and you dont want them to go. Is it because you cant afford to take them on the same trip or they will be away from you for 3 nights or do you have safety concerns. The child of 8 is old enough to say yes or no her/himself. The 4 year old will have to be taken on totally different rides due to the age gap and this can be really difficult to manage if she is taking them alone. But at the end of the day you are the Mum and what you say goes and if you feel uncomfortable you have to say no sadly.

Why would this be the solution? Surely the solution is you take your own children away on a trip for 3 days yourselves if you've never done it before. Or you organise a trip and invite them rather then leaving them to do it for YOUR kids??

I wouldn't agree to this with my in laws, but they get very tired after one day of taking her somewhere for a few hours, so they would never manage a trip like this. I think the fact that they have had the kids for 2 nights before no problem, and they are willing and able to do it means you should perhaps consider it on more than an emotional level.

My kids wouldn't have wanted to go away without us at that age, but as yours have already stayed overnight for 2 nights at your in-laws house without you, this is not really any different to doing that. I assume they are going somewhere like Legoland or Paultons, so you could go down to get them if ultimately needed. Your mother-in-law should definitely have raised this with you first though.

Right so let’s just lock them up until they’re 5 right? So what to all those things? Literally don’t get your point, did you avoid fun things because your 4 year olds needed snacks and the toilet? Heck I need snacks and the toilet quite frequently too 🤣

Yanbu x

I would have an issue with this but im not sure its in the kids best interests to say no.

It sounds like you're saying no because
a. You're not happy about how they've gone about it (which I do understand) and
b. You want to be there on their first theme park trip

If that's the main reasons you're thinking of saying no, then I'd try and re think, taking this out of the equation, as these are reasons that affect you, not the kids.

If you think the kids would enjoy it, then I'd agree. If you think they wouldn't cope, then I'd not agree / suggest a compromise. I'd try and put everything else aside.

This 100%.
You apparently trust them to look after the children as they have done so overnight before. They have a good bond with the children. The children are old enough to speak up if they are unhappy. Especially the 8 year old.
I would not have my children missing out on an experience like this simply because I would get to see it! My parents have taken my children to all sorts of experiences like this since they were really very small. I feel beyond grateful that they choose to spend their money and time on enriching my children’s lives.

i mean you do you and if you dont want to send them dont

But honestly 4&8? my 5 year old has been away for 2 weeks with my parents twice and she is staying with them 2 weeks in school holidays this year too.

2 nights in a different bed on holiday - how is that a big deal?

Have you never taken them away somewhere before

There are some unknowns that it would be helpful to discover.

Is the theme park in this country or abroad? If it is abroad, I would have reservations certainly, but not if it’s this country.

Before your in laws spoke of it in front of your children, was it mentioned in a vague way, as in ‘we’d like to take them away sometime?

Do the children want to go?

As a PO said, it’s often the case on MN that there are complaints about uninvolved grandparents. It’s a shame there is no happy medium.

It was unwise of your in laws to offer it when you hadn’t previously discussed it, but I hope that you can achieve a compromise.

Your 4 year old sounds thoroughly bored, being traipsed around their older siblings sporting matches and training and being expected to walk at the same pace as the adults.. or course it will not be enjoyable for either of you.

It takes a little thought, but most 4 year old's I know would be absolutely fine at theme parks, most are kitted out for kids of all ages, toilets/refreshments, rest areas, but as long as you aren't expecting them to keep up with the pace of adults all day they would be absolutely fine.

This is obviously not the issue...the issue is that she's been strongarmed/railroaded into it, which is manipulative, discussed as a done deal in front of the kids then OP just gets told to send acceptable dates as they need x number of days. Its a shitty way to organise and communicate.

OP just say no, they aren't ready to be overnight yet but its a lovely offer and you'd love for them to go for the day. I'm afraid your DH absolutely has to step up here as well and not leave all the awkwardness to you.

I completely agree with this.

If your reasons were because your DCs have never spent a night away from you etc then fair enough.

But it’s seems your only reasons are that you want to experience their first time and getting the DC excited about it before running it past you first.

You say yourself the DC would love it, you trust her enough to have them for 2 days and so it seems you only want to say no for selfish reasons.

Put your feelings to one side.
Focus on what’s best for your DCs.

If you really want to experience their first theme park, then take them on a day trip to a local one first.

Of course you want to be there the first time they go to a theme park. I understand this entirely. It's fundamentally a family memory you want to make.
I think in laws should have spoken to you privately and not in front of the kids. I would ask them not to do that in future and simply say that you want to be there the first time they go.
Saying that, I would try to take them this summer if at all possible, now that the idea has been put into their heads.

Me too!

This is about what you don't want isnt it? Children and grandparents clearly don't come into it for a lovely time.

Your children, your rules. Do not be bullied into this.