AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

I wouldn’t stop them visiting for the comment, but if they both lie about what happened i would - I wouldn’t feel comfortable with teenage girls willing to lie about what happens when their dad is around being there without him..

There was no misinterpretation, they were upset they were outed! If you called someone a greedy little piggy and they overheard you and then they 5 minutes later they called themselves a greedy little piggy, would you assume they were calling you it or would you realise they overheard you?

They’re teenagers. Teens are savage and lack empathy in many cases.
Yanbu to be hurt but making passive aggressive comments to a sick kid is not the one. What would have been an adult thing to do would be either ignore them or call them out that what they said was really hurtful
You can’t stop unannounced visits to your home unless it is solely yours and not DH too- they are his kids and have two homes if parents are separated- one with dh.
Just have a conversation with them rather than do this, you’re a grown woman. If you don’t feel able to, ask dh to.

What about the girl with a past eating disorder making body image comments about others ? And specifically OP - should she just let it go and make the eating disorder the get out of jail free card ? No, of course not. These girls went running to their dad and told him half the story. That suggests tat they knew exactly what they’d done and didn’t want to face the consequences.

They're 16 and 18. Old enough to behave with courtesy and decency and not make nasty remarks.
They're not 12.

Exactly. They sound like bullies.

Jfc, now it's ''strange'' and "a bit much" for a woman to wear a bikini in her own fucking garden! In the middle of a heat wave!

All these years of fighting for women's liberty and equality, and another woman can still come out with this utter fucking bullshit.

I despair, I really do.

They're manipulative liars.
Your DH is being fooled.

Look, maybe you were wrong to marry your DH and split your home, as financially maybe you could maybe have been better off keeping it as yours and not marrying.

But you can’t now reverse the decision and say it was my home first so I’m taking their keys back. It’s your joint house now and your DH has a say. You could however implement a system that you would like them to check if you are busy and not turn up unannounced, that is fine. (But make clear this is just because they are getting older and you’re treating them more like adults, not that it is some kind of punishment)

I agree with PPs that while they were wrong to talk about you, your reaction was not helpful.

You should have said, girls I heard you talking about me, and I’m not comfortable with that, I’ll have to have a chat with your dad about this.

I'm going against the tide on this one OP and I don't think you are being unreasonable. The fact that you are on WLI indicates that you were unhappy about your body and are taking steps to remedy this. I can well understand that after achieving weight loss and feeling better about yourself it was extremely hurtful to hear your DSDs' spiteful comments.

And I don't understand why DSD2 is allowed to feel sensitive about weight and you aren't. It was her and her sister who made the nasty remarks not you. And if they took your response as a dig about DSD's eating disorder, tough titty. If you dish it out, you should be prepared to take it. Being a teenager doesn't absolve you from considering other peoples' feelings. I'd expect an apology from both girls and your DH for instantly taking their side, before allowing the ad hoc visits to resume.
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I'd wager her upset is fuelled by embarrassment at being caught bitching about you.

Teenage girls often have to learn a bit of a hard lesson in the consequences of bitching.

I think you'd be doing them a bigger favour by expecting an apology than letting it go.

A stretch. And a big one.

16 is old enough to know that it’s not a kind thing to say behind the back or on face. Also, she was in the home.

Please teach your kids better values and respect for others so they don’t think it’s okay to make fun of others bodies.

As opposed to the hurty feelings of women who take on men who have children and can't deal with it?

Thank god for a sane response. I thought was in some weird parallel universe

of course they were bitchy and you let them know you heard them

DH's response was wrong too.

"I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin."

I would be aiming for a sit-down talk between the four of you: yourself, your husband and your stepdaughters.

And I'd be opening the conversation with their casually cruel body-shaming of you, and asking why they felt they could do that to you, and that you had thought better of them.

I'm confused, so a step mother has to accept insults? Is a birth mother expected to do too?

Is the father in the picture expected to believe his children in every case?

And you think the OP’s response wasn’t spiteful? Okay then

Crikey MN is weird some days.

My DD has an eating disorder and it’s like walking on eggshells sometimes. But she would never, ever in a month of Sundays comment on another person’s body. So your SD was massively in the wrong and can’t go crying wolf to her Dad saying she’s distressed that you were talking about her.

Sound very manipulative and immature. Your house, your rules.

I can guess you are the first wife with kids.

I will never understand why people prefer to be snide rather than direct. "I heard what you said and it hurt my feelings," would have been just as effective as a snarky comment and couldn't have come back to bite you in the butt.

Oh aren't you clever!! No you guess completely wrong.

I agree. It’s not a norm for teenage to be mean like this but some mothers think it is.

I'd call it sarcastic, not spiteful.

It's OP's home; therefore, she can wear whatever she wants.

The kids are guests, and they need to be respectful.