AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

The misinterpretation being that the girl with the eating disorder might think the OP was referring to her when she's talking about wobbly bits, loose skin etc

It would be a cold day in hell before I would apologise before receiving an apology myself. These girls were not 6 and 8, they were 16 and 18. Old enough to know what they were doing and to take the consequences when they were overheard. And OP shouldn’t have to make up stories in order to let them in. It’s her home, she can decide that for herself, she doesn’t need an excuse.

What a vile comment. One of the daughters is only 16, presumably younger when they met. It's their home too.

They probably did know they made a mistake and if OP had handled the situation like an adult they may have apologised by now and all be enjoying a drink in the garden but maybe they didn't know how to react to her childish passive aggressive smirking comment. She's the adult and is supposed to lead by example not stoop to tit for tat

But it was the girl herself who used those terms about OP - something I find very strange coming from someone who has had an eating disorder themselves.

It's all very well people saying you shouldn't have have commented and should have swerved the sarcasm because they are teenagers but they were rude and hurtful. I think you should have confronted outright saying something like 'I heard what you said, it's rude, unkind and hurtful.'

That Dd2 has embellished the events to make herself look hard done is annoying, doubly so that your DH has set himself up as Judge Judy.

I would be very disappointed if I heard my 18 year daughter making such a remark about anyone let alone her Father's wife.

Hold on, what? OP can’t wear a bikini when she is by herself in her own home, in case her stepdaughters let themselves in and are visually offended by her disgusting middle aged body? (It was not the weight, which she has lost, it was the saggy old person skin they objected to)

I cannot believe you typed that out.

I cant see how the DSD could misinterpret it given they commented on ops loose skin and op referred to covering up her loose skin.

I don’t think that’s what this poster meant - more that in OP’s eyes it wasn’t her step daughters’ home. Which l also don’t think is the case, otherwise she wouldn’t have endorsed them having house keys.

My god, some of the responses here are insane. You are human and we don't always get our responses right when we are upset. I think you were really quite restrained as I would have cried and call them little bitches and flounced off.

One of them is an adult and the other one has an eating disorder so should know how awful it is to body shame others. I think they were out of order and should be held to account. I don't think you can ban them from unannounced visits but most certainly expect an apology.

Don't ban your husbands kids from turning up whenever, but fine to be pissed but probably should have been the adult.

Yes folks, that’s where MN has sunk to. The hurty feeling of step children trump absolutely everything else.

Did I miss the post where the OP said she sat around in a bikini in front of her step daughters all the time?
OP was in her OWN HOME that she pays for. Her own back garden is a totally appropriate place to be in a bikini.
This 16 and 18 year old! Invited themselves in to the OP's 'Safe Space' 🙄and proceeded to mock her. They are plenty old enough to understand that that is shitty behaviour and the fact that DSD thought to lie and turn it around like she did suggests they both know it was a nasty thing to do.
Why do posters on Mumsnet insist that Stepchildren be exempt from being expected to behave decently?
I think its driven by an innate fear of hearing the dreaded words 'I've met someone'.
I would expect an apology @UnflatteringComment then I would use the opportunity to educate these girls on discussing other women's bodies. We could do with less arseholes in the world, you would be doing them a favour.

Exactly. They will be adults soon, probably about time to learn that their behaviour may have consequences?

The world out there is a jungle, they woukd ve better protected if they are not assuming that everyone has to be extremely sensitive for whatever reason.

I suspect however that all this fuss is due to them not yet realising OP heard them bitching.

So very much this

I think you need to level with them here.

Apologise for upsetting them but remind DSD2 that she knows whether it feels like to feel her body is being judged and Reno d them it’s everyone’s house that everyone needs to mind being kind in

At the very least I would be taking the house keys back. If they can’t respect OP’s right to move about in it and dress as she likes, then they shouldn’t have unfettered access to it.

Absolutely not. OP didn't do anything wrong, who hasn't been passive aggressive at times, it's hardly the crime of the century when what they did was so unkind and hurtful.

OP DO NOT APOLOGISE.

I don't disagree. OP should be able to wear or not wear whatever she likes in her own home without bitchy comments from teenagers.

Yes but the insinuation was that I made the comments out of nowhere and that wasn’t the case

Is the home shared between you and DH? If so, its not your decision alone as to whether you 'let them' come to rhe house unannounced.

I wouldn’t take their keys back. That’s the nuclear option.

It is when she is there alone without DH there. She has every right to feel comfortable in her own home.
Again @UnflatteringComment I would use this opportunity to educate them on how to behave. It will do them the world of good to see a woman push back on their judgement over womens bodies.

Have you forgotten what its like to be a teenager? They often are mortified by us oldies ie anyone over 35, dressed in what they think of as unsuitable too young clothing eg 'revealing' clothing, they grow out of it and become decent humans again eventually.
You on the other hand are an adult acting like a snarky teenager. Yes the comments stung, but sometimes in life you have to let other people stupid opinions slide off you, particularly coming from silly teens with no life experience.
To make any comment about a body to a girl with an eating disorder was awful tbh. You were so intent on making them feel bad and getting your own back you never thought for a second the damage you were about to do

Well said.