AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

You shouldn't have covered up. You should've just ignored them. Young people are just in their own bubble. To them older people are deeply unsexy regardless of their weight or size.

I think just put the bikini back on and the earphones in. Their childish comments should not be listened to.

Also as you know, people with ED have a distorted view of weight so of course are not reliable witnesses as to whether your body is nice or not. They're mentally ill. But either way don't let them stop you wearing what you like.

Mumsnet cliche alert: you have a dh problem

I think adults trying to get their own back with kids/teens via a passive aggressive smirking is immature and underhand. Why stoop to their level? I’d have waited til later and said ‘you know I heard that and it was hurtful’ if I was going to say anything at all.

Especially a teen with an ED who isn’t able to have a sensible discussion on weight, or view bodies in a neutral way.

You shouldn’t have retaliated like that. Better to either ignore or speak to her about it calmly and say she might like to think about whether it’s a good/nice thing to judge other people’s bodies . Or at least not to do so unless she’s sure they can’t hear her!

Teenage girls are universally dickheads. Smirking and PA comments to them doesn’t make things any better.

This needs a frank discussion as a responsible parent and step-parent.

Not a sulky 'You can't come round to see your dad unannounced anymore, so there!'

They need to know what they said was cruel and out of order.

But you can't play with their visitation because you're annoyed with them.

Edited cos I read it properly

She said she smirked.

" I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked."

Edited cos you read it properly!

Well being passive aggressive really wasn't the way to handle this. You can either say nothing or say you overheard them and it was hurtful or tell your DH and ask him to speak to them.

You know one of them has an eating disorder so isn't likely to be rational about weight loss and body image and they didn't mean for your to hear.

No I don't think you can ban unannounced visits. They are your DH children.

You shouldn't have been sarcastic. You should have just mentioned that you'd heard what they said about you and you found it very disrespectful. They can't dispute that

YABU to stop them visiting. It was unkind of them and your husband should tell them that but it’s not a big issue, they are teenagers

Yes I was probably wrong to smirk but it was just my kneejerk reaction.

Hoisted by your own petard here.

Next time, be authoritative and direct about it. Don’t just match their immaturity. You are an adult.

They were making unfiltered teenage comments, and you joined in.

No I doubt they'll say anything like that again that you might hear. If they do then yes ban them. I'm surprised they went crying to daddy though to do the whole wicked stepmother thing. Carry on as you were!

I get that, I would have been tempted too, but you’re the grown up and should have had the more mature response. As PP said, teenage girls are dickheads and consider themselves the arbiters of taste and style. They’ll grow out of, like we did.

True, I might just on the odd occasion let them know we are busy if I fancy a day without anyone turning up with no notice ? It hadn’t really bothered me before but now I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it if that makes sense ?

You should have just ignored them and been the adult.

And banning unannounced visits is basically asking your husband to choose between you and his children - guaranteed to cause problems.

Also if you can’t handle them bitching about you now, the way you have behaved to them will make things a lot worse.

Anybody would be hurt by those remarks.
But they're just young things. Weren't you thoughtless at that age? Making harsh comments about teachers clothes etc? They did not mean you to hear and they probably meant nothing by it. Would be worse if you overheard something against your character. I think you need to let it go if you can and forgive and forget.

They are teens, you are the adult.

It's one thing to tell them you heard and don't appreciate their rude comments. It's another thing entirely to get into the mud with them and be just as catty.

That's their father. You cannot ban them from dropping in to see him no matter how petty you feel.

They were teenagers having a conversation they thought was private.

You overheard and were then PA back whilst smirking at 2 teens.

Now you want to ban them from being able to pop in and visit their dad.

You handled it really badly op. You should have told them you overheard what they said and that it hurt your feelings.

If you’re petty about this, you will lose. If he’s any sort of a decent guy anyway.

I’d message them and say your comment certainly wasn’t aimed at their body but you were hurt hearing them comment about your body. Given one has an eating disorder they have probably taken it the wrong way. But they were wrong to try and turn this on you.