AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Then it was a ridiculous overreaction. You're being completely unreasonable.

How would that work?

They'd turn up unannounced to see their dad and you'd answer the door, say 'we're busy' and send them away?

How would their dad feel about that?

myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this

why is it a given that the will look like ‘this’? I certainly don’t and have two kids. You just sound nasty. They sound young and stupid.

16 and 18 are not ‘kids’. They’re old enough to face the consequences of their actions. And it isn’t just their dad’s home, it’s OP’s too. They benefit from her hospitality so I understand how she feels that they’ve abused it. They made OP feel uncomfortable in her own home and that’s what is unacceptable.

You admit yourself you don’t believe they knew you’d hear them.

Unfortunately you did.

However what you said to someone with a known eating disorder and body issues was wrong.

You did that on purpose, they thought they were having a private conversation.

You’re not going to win this one with your dh or his children.

If you wanted that maybe you should have found yourself a man unencumbered by children. It's their home too.

Think I would have just yelled "Oi! I can hear you, you know."

Personally, I do not consider 16 and 18 to be “kids”. 6 and 8? They are “kids”.
If my 18 yr old spoke about her SM like this I’d read her the riot act.
And, these young women apparently need a lesson in the consequences of unpleasant behaviour. In real life, if you are bitchy and mean, people will push back and probably not in the way you’d prefer! Tough shit, that’s life.

Why is OP nasty - her reaction is probably typical of all of us at some time or other. My own DD has certainly said and done things in the past that have made me think ‘just you wait, you’ll learn’.

If you can’t spend time with them without resorting to acting like a teen yourself then better to stay out of the way and let their father continue the relationship with them. It may be your home but they are his children.

Your comments were worse than theirs. They were having a private bitching session (and someone with ED is quite likely to be critical of others’ weight) but the way you described your reaction is really immature.

If you can’t handle teen girls being teen girls without behaving like one then keep your distance until everyone in the situation grows up

I think you behaved appallingly tbh. What they said wasn’t pleasant but teenage girls can be thoughtless and self centred and just talking to them is enough. You went on a bitchy attack and made sly comments to someone with an eating disorder. How old are you?

And no, you don’t ban his children from his house. How immature is that?!

She was right to say the OP shouldn't have lost weight if she was going to dress "like that"? Charming. You sound awesome.

It’s their home too, would you ban your DH if he made a comment like this or is it just your DSDs that have to achieve these standards?

What they said was unacceptable but, as others have said, you’re the grown up here. Try modelling assertive clear communication and constructive conflict resolution instead of stooping down to their level with snide remarks and trying to get one over them with bans or lies about being busy.

I’d have countered with ‘l’d rather be flabby than rude’!!

Your reaction was bad, but I can understand and if your Dh takes their side, I’d be having serious thoughts about the relationship.

And laughing to yourself about how their bodies will be like that when they are your age is horrible, particularly given the circumstances. They may not anyway. But it shows you have the same mentality and opinion as them that wrinkles etc are worth judging

...I would expect someone's DH not to say they shouldn't wear a bikini due to their loose skin, yes. Is that not a fairly basic requirement?

It's an eating disorder, not a bitching disorder. She absolutely can help being a nasty little cow behind people's backs.

I'd not stop her visiting her father but I wouldn't be actively hosting them. Their dad could cook and wash for them, no favours from me.

Repeat five times they are kids you are the adult. You behaved in a childish manner getting upset and stamping your foot.

If the DH doesn't want his daughters to have to make an appointment to come and visit him in his home, that would be perfectly understandable.

Especially since his daughters and his wife all behaved badly.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to ban ad hoc visits, but at the same time this is OP’s home too. She shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in it. And yet again we have the insinuation that it’s only because they’re step children. And the last time I looked 18 was an adult. Old enough to know better.

And once again 16 and 18 are not ‘kids’.

You did nothing wrong. Nasty little shit should not be making comments about other people’s bodies. Especially as she is so sensitive about her own.

I wouldn’t expect them not to say it because comments like that are unacceptable like I said.

But I wouldn’t expect someone would ban their DH from their own house for a single unacceptable comment, I’d expect them to try and resolve the conflict - would you go straight to a DH ban?

Wow. Victim blaming at it’s finest.