AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Youngsters can be thoughtless. Be the adult here. I’d personally not be in a bikini in the garden if we had visitors. It’s a bit unnecessary and it will only make people feel uncomfortable.

I don’t understand the ire on here.
It’s your home and you don’t have to have people in it who are rude about you/ your body.
The ED thing is a red herring, since both sisters were rude.
In what way does DH pay his way? How long have you been in their lives? Would it be better to just be single and do what you want?

That would be worse than bitching behind someone’s back. Why would you raise people to believe they could do that?

No, but they are in the midst of adolescence, which can cause kids to lose the ability to empathise with others, to control themselves, to see that they aren’t centre of the universe, @ThreadGuardDog. The author Charlie Taylor, who wrote Divas and Doorslammers, says that, during adolescence the teenage brain is actually rewiring - structural changes are happening, and that’s why they can temporarily lose these abilities - he describes it as like temporary brain damage. But it is temporary, and usually resolves when the rewiring is over and the changes are settling down.

None of which is an excuse for mean comments - but it is an explanation, and if we understand better why something is happening, it can be easier to deal with it.

In the OP’s situation, this would have been saying something like “I heard the comments you made, and they were very hurtful” rather than the passive aggressive comment and smirk.

You clearly haven’t read the thread or any of OP’s updates. Having an eating disorder, or any other disorder for that matter, doesn’t give you the right to bitch about others’ appearance behind their backs. She’s old enough to know what she’s saying so why would being found out and taken to task be ‘triggering’. The amount of free passes for rude behaviour with no consequences are jaw dropping.

Oh, fgs. OP did nothing wrong. DH obv has to get their side of the story? What??? Why did he say, sorry about that. I'll have a word with them? 🤔
He should automatically be backing OP.

What she said was awful and you should talk to her about how hurtful it was. However, you should not try to stop them visiting their dad, it's his home too.

I think you need to be the grown-up here

It was not thoughtless. It shows lack of values and respect for other people. I thought body shaming is not a thing amongst young people these days. I never said anything like this at that age, and I have / had family members of all different t body shapes. This is why bullying exists because children are not taught difference between right and wrong. There’s a difference between commenting on teacher clothes or step mother’s loose skin.

This is such rubbish. The girls were rude and spiteful. They clearly disrespect the OP yet are happy to freeload the garden and house. Not on.

Really. My now grown up children are very polite. It is just how youngsters see older people. I would have just had a laugh. Really everyone saying that they are now adults. It is well known that children don’t mature properly until they are about 25.
If the OP wants a happy life she can’t ban her husband’s children. The OP was just being vain.

OP can wear what the F she likes in the garden even if she has visitors, it’s her garden. My mum never covered up (maybe a sarong on bottom half) when she had unexpected visitors and was in a bikini. If visitors were expected of course she’d change. These visitors just popped round to OP’s house as they often do.

This is a mature and constructive approach.

To be honest I think it’s adds another dimension to things that as soon as these two realised they had been overheard, they flounced out and went running to daddy with excuses and from what OP says, clearly misrepresented what had happened.

I think what would hurt me the most is the tone. If I thought that my stepdaughters liked me and then overheard this the relationship would be permanently altered.

OP can wear whatever she chooses in her own home.

Those daughters are spiteful little madams.

Wow! So they're bare faced liars as well as bitchy. YANBU

It’s her garden! She could wander around in it naked and painted blue if she wants to. The girls turned up while she was already there, it’s not like she stripped down to the bikini in front of them and did a little dance.

Also! Why can’t someone wear a bikini? Should we be ashamed of having stomachs, arms and legs? Is it somehow tantalising or provocative? What should we wear to sunbathe in? Shrouds?

Posters calling DC2 (age 16 & has been unwell with an ED) names should ease off.

My teenage DDs wouldn’t say anything like this! The number of posters who think teenage girls are just like this are enabling poor behaviour. And I’m the Queen of passive aggression and have no intention of changing that. You were fine op - message to dsds “don’t ever come to my house and make rude comments about me and we won’t have a problem.” Pretty good lesson to life in general to be honest.

It’s not vanity to not want to be spoken of as if you are somehow disgusting and should be ashamed of your own body

There is another thread at the moment (daughter in tiny shorts) in which people are slapping the poster around and going on and on about the sensitive youth of today and how they would never attempt to body shame anybody because they are so much more mature than those of us who grew up in earlier decades. The irony here does not escape me.

The OP says the two girls have keys to the house and drop by whenever they want - even when their dad isn’t there. Why on earth would they expect OP to cover up when she’s sunbathing. This is not their full time home, it’s OP’s and if they show up unannounced they need to take her as they find her without resorting to disrespecting her hospitality by bitching behind her back.

My dd has an ED. Anyone saying that you did the right thing has no idea about the impact your behaviour and comment could have on your dad’s recovery.

The 16 yo, I imagine, knows you’re using weight loss jabs. And that must be incredibly triggering for her. The golden rule is that no one in the household should be on a weight loss diet whilst treating an ED. Instead, you’ve flouted that in a very demonstrative way by using drugs and literally doing what she is seeking to do, wasting away.

My dd has called me all sorts of names in the process, eg fat bitch. And I have enough emotional intelligence to know this is the ED, not her.

I get you’re insulted. But you’re also not 16 anymore. You just have to weather the storm, not throw multiple grenades. And weight loss drugs are a massive grenade.

In this case, you don’t have a dh problem. I can’t speak for anything else. You have a child with a mental illness with the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses: 20% will die over the next 20 years. And you’re concerned about your feelings.

Do better op if you want this girl to recover.

Teens are like this. You may have the only ones who wouldn’t bitch about someone behind their back and that’s great.

It doesn’t excuse what they said but it should have been dealt with in an adult way