AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

It’s MN. OP is a step mum. It’s all depressingly predictable.

Good move OP - make them feel uncomfortable about hanging out in the garden without their father there. That will help.

I don’t think they can be excused as being kids because they aren’t but laughing to yourself about how they may be all the things they said about you when they are older (particularly spiteful about someone with ED) makes you much worse, even before you said anything to them.

....and they thought it was a safe place for them to be even if their Dad wasn't there but you've ruined that for them and your husband, and yourself for one moment of spite for an unfortunate comment from one of them.
Well done.

16 is old enough to get pregnant and have kids of her own. Its certainly old enough to expect basic good manners. She isn't a child.

If she now feels insecure about her body, it serves her bloody right and might actually go a little way to installing some empathy.

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.

I completely understand your reaction OP. What a nasty thing to say about you in your own home!! I would have spoken to them directly and told them you didn’t appreciate their comments and look forward to seeing them in the future and how they bear up.

Your DH better have your back!!

dd2 needs to learn some manners she was bang out of order,
your husband needs to have your back here
I predict a riot!!!!
ofcourse he will favour them over you and then it’ll erupt with you being made out to be the wicked stepmother.
ducks in a row time

OP isn’t talking about reducing access to their father. These two have keys to the house and visit while he’s not there. I would be taking the keys back and stopping visits when their dad isn’t home, just for a while. They need to know that they were rude and hurtful.

I think 16 and 18 are the age where kids are not actually the little kids unable to understand concept of respect and other people’s feelings.

With posters like you, I wouldn’t blame these teens of today for being so self centred when they were never taught to consider other people.

Just because Op is an adult, she is not made up of steel to endure insults in her own home.

Teens are often nasty, manipulative fuckers - I bet 99.9% of the people on this thread have been at that time of their lives. Most grown adults tend to be able to cope with it in a grown up way though

Most of these responses are not simply because OP is an adult. It’s because she’s a step mum.

A safe place? For whom? OP is entitled to perceive her own home as a safe place as well.

„Get out of the kitchen if you can’t take the heat“ >> they shouldn’t have made those hurtful comments and expect zero response.

I think you handled it wrong, although I understand why you're upset. I would be as well.
I dint think rhre us any point in banning them.

She’s a teenager recovering from an eating disorder. You are an adult. Your comment was way out of line.

They are teenagers making dick comments as teenagers are wont to do. They possibly made it to cover up their awkwardness at seeing you, a parent figure, with very few clothes on for the first time.

You are being ridiculously immature, both in not being able to contextualise and bat away these comments, and in trying to effectively punish them by stopping the access arrangement they have had.

I’d be pretty upset if you if I were their Dad. If you want to fracture your relationship with him, crack on.

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this

Why is that a given? There are people who go through life without ever getting fat

What do you think they learned from this then? That having a private conversation that was unfortunately overheard by the subject of that conversation will be dealt with by PA comments, smirking and someone hoping they will have body issues?

Seriously??? So it's all right for those with perfect young bodies to be disgusted by our middle-aged flab. And for them to tell us this. And you see nothing wrong with this??? there's no way my children would be so disrespectful and hurtful to me or to anyone else.

Not zero response. But an adult response

So you've been feeling like this for a while?

Do you think it's wise to implement it on the back of what's happened?

"I just feel as if they’ve crossed a line now and I’d like privacy in my home if Dh isn’t here."

It would be wiser to separate the two things and leave it a few months before you tell them to stop coming round unannounced when their dad isn't there.

Otherwise it looks as though you're throwing one hell of a sulky strop.

Here's why I think you're extremely unreasonable here.

Eating disorders are serious issues that involve both physical and mental health and they're hard to treat. You know that the daughter has one. She made a remark that she thought was private to her sister and you didn't like it so you came in and deliberately and spitefully made a remark that could have triggered her and smirked. Your response was nuclear to a private remark that you overheard and could have serious consequences for the daughter's health.

And why try to punish both by banning them unless you approve their visit? That's another nuclear response.

You sound petty and immature and extremely over reactive. I'm not surprised your husband is pissed.

From what OP says, she has a close enough relationship with her DSD’s for them to have a key to her home and to visit whenever they want - including when their dad isn’t home. That’s not the norm with blended families, and I think it’s particularly nasty of these two to talk about OP like this when she’s opened up her home and welcomed them. It was incredibly hurtful and while I think there were better ways to handle it, I don’t blame OP for the initial knee jerk reaction.

Totally agree. The eating disorder thing is completely irrelevant too. The OP commented she'd cover her own body not anyone else's, with a smirk to indicate she'd heard what they said. Regardless, you'd think if the teen had an eating disorder she wouldnt be so flippant commenting on other people's bodies anyway. The teens sound nasty saying that and then lying to their father afterwards.

True, I'm 57 and have never been overweight.

So it was a bit silly.

The irony of you calling her names…

I don’t agree with the way OP handled things nor what the girls said, but one of them at 18 is technically an adult. As is OP.

The response wasn’t perfect but OP was hurt and we have all had moments were we probably didn’t react in the best way.

Maybe they learnt to keep their mouths shut if they make nasty comments. Every action has a reaction.