AIBU to think a cheating husband cannot still be a great dad

[Dontlickthebin]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about DH affairs. It's unbelievable how callous these men are.

What I often also see is "DH is a great Dad... DH loves our kids etc..."

Really? Is that really the case? To me when you cheat, you cheat on your partner but you also cheat your children - you are basically saying that whole stable family situation you are being raised in... yeah that's l actually a lie. It doesn't exist. Doesn't feel like something a great Dad would do.

There's probably been a similar question asked but I see some version of the "Great Dad" mitigation so often that I'm asking again

YANBU - You can't be a Great Dad and a cheater
YABU - Cheating is between partners. You can still be a "great DH" and a cheater

More interested in the conversation than stats for polling

Pretending that your partner doesn't hurt you when they do it (possibly a useful skill if you want to raise a people pleaser) and showing the kids this is how women should be treated? Why?

My exH watched his own father cheat on his mum throughout his childhood and wasn't happy about it - didn't stop him cheating on me though.

Some men are just very good at compartmentalising & not making connections.

Kids learn from what they see at home. This is why a parent who does this will teach all of the tricks to their offspring who will see their partner as disposable and replaceable. After all, their family put up with it so if their partner "really loves them" so will they!

Yes.

Imo no. They choose to cheat knowing it will hurt and damage the person likely left looking after the children. Children do suffer from affairs too. Cheaters are selfish ultimately and selfish people dont make good parents.

A great dad is caring and respectful to all in the family unit. A cheat is neither caring nor respectful - imo. A great dad considers the needs of all in the family unit. A cheating dad only considers his own short term lusts. He is not showing the children a good example and opening his daughter up to expecting the same from a man and is signalling to his son that its ok to disrespect woman and children in this way.

Personally, I just don't think being a great partner and being a great parent are the same thing. I do think someone who cheats is a lousy partner, for obvious reasons. I don't think cheating automatically makes them a lousy parent too, though. I certainly think there are ways of cheating that absolutely do equate to 'cheating on the whole family' but I also think there are a million ways of cheating that don't fit that description in the slightest.

I also think there are many devoted couples in happy marriages who are bloody awful parents.

I’m curious. What ways of cheating are cheating on the whole family versus what ways of cheating are not?

To be fair, let's compare:

• has an affair at work on work time. Always home when planned and does home stuff as planned. Wife has no idea.
• lies, invents a hobby, time away off work, gaslights wife until she becomes a bit of an emotional wreck and her parenting suffers.

There's no one size fits all rule.

But at a broader level I think there's the distinct "being a practical and loving" parent bit, and the other level which is "my life is about my kids" level. The biggest changes to me becoming a parent were that the day to day stuff but also that the long term planning massively shifted.

We aren't always perfect parents, but in an affair you're threatening both the short term and long term stuff in one go.

A man who pretends to be working over a weekend so he can spend it with another woman, and prioritises that over a day out with his children, is cheating on the whole family. He is using free time that he would typically spend with his kids to shag another woman and he's putting that above being a dad to his children.

A man who shags a colleague or meets up with another woman at his hotel whenever his employer sends him away on a business trip is only cheating on his wife, because the children aren't noticing his absence or missing out on time with him any more than they otherwise would.

And a mum who cheats?

funnily enough it does seem that women are more easily forgiven.

when a man cheats he leaves the family home and that’s his fault.

when a woman cheats it’s still the man who leaves the family home, the woman gets to keep her relationship with her children.

When you see you kids EOW I honestly believe you can’t be a “great” parent in the same way as when you live with them. You may also not have appropriate housing so you get labelled a “Disney” dad because you have to find things for them to do.

it’s also not unusual for mum not to tell the kids about her cheating, and if dad does he’s not believed. Or she badmouths him about money or whatever, so they become distanced.

so women who cheat still get to be a “great parent”. Men who don’t cheat but are cheated on still get to be a secondary parent.

For either parent to be distracted enough from their responsibilities to their partner and kids to cheat, means that they are not a good partner or parent, they should be there for their family.

When ExH cheated on me, DD lost all respect for him. When he moved miles away to be close to the OW rather than DD he killed any chance of a relationship with her. His loss, but what an arsehole...

The OP was asking about a cheating husband, not a cheating wife.

People can be many things at once. So yes a cheating husband or wife can still be a great father or mother. Just like a loyal spouse can be a terrible parent. One thing doesn't cancel out all things. It isn't great behaviour but people have many faces.

But there are so many examples of both men and women being in long term affairs that their children never know about, and those children have great relationships with those parents. This is just very simplistic thinking. I mean if my husband cheated I would be livid, but I wouldn't think it impacted his parenting if he continued doing the same thing with the kids as usual.

You can say this but we all know women can be misogynists and this is where it comes from, the home set up where they witnessed women putting up with behaviours as a child and perpetuate it with their own families. Some people will be happy with that, horses for courses, but others (usually those who would not tolerate it and choose better men) will see it as detrimental to society and not agree that the "staying together for the children" trope has any benefits other than for the partner who does the taking rather than giving.

I think abusive/cheating men could never be 'great' parents because they are usually selfish barstards with bad morals and piss poor MH but they could still be good dads in the eyes of the children, on a part time basis mostly but a part time OK dad is better than NO dad. IMO

Yes, because she’s making the assumption that a) only men cheat, and b) women are by default good parents because they generally don’t move out of the family home and remain primary carers.

women cheat too. And it’s far harder to be a “great” parent when you only see your kids eow, have nowhere to live. It’s hard to maintain that relationship, and even if you do you’re labelled “Disney dad”.

people buy into the myth that women only cheat when they’re unhappy or in a terrible realationship. Men cheat because they can.

i know two women who cheated and broke up their marriages. One the kids are firmly on mums side because they’ve been taught that dad was so awful it’s his fault she cheated. The other mum told them it was him that had the affair, and they believed her. Then of course he hasn’t been around as much as mum so he’s a terrible parent on top. Both cases they are NC now.

actually make that 3 women who cheated. The third the husband stayed because he didn’t want to be nrp, he wanted to be there for the kids at bedtime, he didn’t want to be in a bed sit or shared house taking his kids to macdonalds on Sunday. So he “forgave” her.

This thread is about cheating husbands.

it does not mean posters believe cheating wives are absolved of being poor parents.

But the focus of this thread, the area of discussion selected by the op is cheating husbands.

So, if you want to discuss cheating wives being poor parents, create a thread about that. Instead the whataboutrery.