AIBU to think a cheating husband cannot still be a great dad

[Dontlickthebin]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about DH affairs. It's unbelievable how callous these men are.

What I often also see is "DH is a great Dad... DH loves our kids etc..."

Really? Is that really the case? To me when you cheat, you cheat on your partner but you also cheat your children - you are basically saying that whole stable family situation you are being raised in... yeah that's l actually a lie. It doesn't exist. Doesn't feel like something a great Dad would do.

There's probably been a similar question asked but I see some version of the "Great Dad" mitigation so often that I'm asking again

YANBU - You can't be a Great Dad and a cheater
YABU - Cheating is between partners. You can still be a "great DH" and a cheater

More interested in the conversation than stats for polling

I’m really not good at relationships but I’m a bloody great mum. Parenting and being a relationship are two separate things.

Anyone who cheats is an abusive, lying piece of crap. They put their own needs above their children, time and time again. Gross.

The courts say she is.

dh’s ex cheated. He wanted to petition for primary residency. Legal advice told him he wouldn’t stand a chance as “unfit” only applies if a parent is neglectful, abusive, has issues with drugs etc.

This is too simplistic. Sometimes good people cheat. It doesn’t define them as a person. As I said upthread, one of our friends cheated. He was plodding along in an unhappy marriage. He’d not have left had he not cheated. He’d have stayed for the kids. Far worse than what actually happened. He’s not proud that he had an affair. He’s a good person and a great dad. I’m really pleased he’s married the OW and is incredibly happy now and has been for over 20 years.

I don’t think an unhappy marriage excuses an affair though either.

if you are staying for the children, you accept the conditions of that marriage. If you want to look for sex outside the marriage, then break up first.

you can’t have both at the same time. Choose the marriage, or someone else.

Of course they can still be a great dad. The two aren’t exclusive.

Depends on the level of cheating.

I don’t think a momentary lapse is f judgement during a difficult time in a marriage necessarily equates to bad father.

sneaking around, “stealing” family time to be with OW, using family money, knowingly and repeatedly risking braking up the family I would judge much more harshly as that’s going to impact the kids. But some people would say if they split and he contributes financially and still sees them he’s still a good dad.

as an aside, a friends husband has just cheated on her and left her for other woman. The way it played out was just exactly what his dad did to his mum
when he was a teenager. He has always idolised his dad and it’s clear he is copying this behaviour as he saw it played out at such an impressionable age.

he has recently bought a small flat with OW within commuting distance of London (kids are in the north) and is very much playing the “cool, fun, supportive dad and friend” role. He supports them financially and takes them out partying in London and thinks he’s a great dad. Not sure I agree.

They can be a great mum or dad before and then after the cheating but while they are doing it they are not a great mum or dad because they are putting their own desires before their children's happiness and stability.

What a load of rubbish.

That logic could be applied to so many scenarios. Making none of us great parents.

YANBU in my opinion you can’t be a “great dad” (or equally mum) if you’re spending time having an affair away from your family, when you could be with them. Also spending money on said affair that should be family money.

Eg. My friends dad took his OW and her child on holiday to Center Parcs. He never took his own kids there. Lied about it to the family of course. Spent family money on it.
But by basic standards he was a “great dad” in all other ways. The bar for a “great” dad is so bloody low anyway.

They are cheating on the family set-up. The wife, the kids. Shitting on it from a great height.

In that case can anyone even really be a good person?
People do good and bad things, to varying degrees all the time. It is not black and white.

Shocking. Selfish, womanising bastard.

Sorry to hear what you've been through... It's great that you managed to make a positive situation out of it

No, that's ridiculous. Also, not all cheating is equal. There's a heck of a difference between once had a drunken fumble with someone, or slightly overlapped your relationships, or had a second family for 10 years. I think it's crazy to treat those as the same.

You get people who are great partners: does that mean they are automatically great parents as well? I don't think it works the same either way.

Therapy speak!

Not rubbish at all. The poster is making an obvious point

I’ve no experience of a man having an affair but my husband’s first wife cheated for two years before my husband found out, it’s a shitty thing to do but it doesn’t define her entire personality, I really like her and I think she’s a brilliant mum to my stepdaughter.

How does lobbing a grenade into family life by cheating and breaking up the stability and security for your children make you a great parent?

It doesn’t.

I don’t even think it’s the spending time away from them.

imo you’re a pretty shitty person having an affair full stop, knowing it will hurt your partner, and your kids, and likely blow your marriage up and the relationship with the kids NR parent.

dh’s ex’s affair broke Dh’s relationship with the kids. It just isn’t the same seeing them weekends and holidays, and not being there every night for bedtimes, family holidays etc. worse she then installed the OM in as “dad”, and started badmouthing dh to justify it.

i could never like anyone that could treat anyone like that, let alone anyone they claimed to love.

Not only can he still be a great dad, he can still be a great husband. Men in general are capable of compartmentalising, and for them sex isn't necessarily tied in with love. They can really live their OH, and still be tempted by variety.

Eta: I'm talking of course when it's only physical, eg a one night stand or a prostitute on a work/lads trip, or something like that. Not when there is an ongoing relationship, especially where emotions are involved.

This. So many apologists for those who actively tear family units apart because this is not dramatising, this is the reality. I never understood those who look at married people, especially those with young people, and think, yep, good choice.

You think someone who uses prostitutes can be a good father? Really?

Sure. Why not? What's the connection?