AIBU to think a cheating husband cannot still be a great dad

[Dontlickthebin]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about DH affairs. It's unbelievable how callous these men are.

What I often also see is "DH is a great Dad... DH loves our kids etc..."

Really? Is that really the case? To me when you cheat, you cheat on your partner but you also cheat your children - you are basically saying that whole stable family situation you are being raised in... yeah that's l actually a lie. It doesn't exist. Doesn't feel like something a great Dad would do.

There's probably been a similar question asked but I see some version of the "Great Dad" mitigation so often that I'm asking again

YANBU - You can't be a Great Dad and a cheater
YABU - Cheating is between partners. You can still be a "great DH" and a cheater

More interested in the conversation than stats for polling

Did your dh find out?

did he accept it?

surely cheating in itself was likely to blow your family apart?

Cute.

So if your dcs find out they will learn their parent is dishonest and scheming. Super parenting.

But perhaps you’ll keep up the lie instead. Which is better?

OMG. Imagine people growing up realising their parents are flawed (read: human).

It's not rubbish at all.

If you are fucking someone else behind the back of the person you share kids with you are deliberately putting your desire to do that before your partner's and your kids' happiness and you are risking blowing your relationship apart which will negatively impact your kids.

Doing that therefore makes you a selfish git and not a great parent.

Doesn't mean you weren't a good parent before you started doing that and that you can't be one afterwards but while you are being selfish & risking your kids' stable home life you are not being a great parent.

In general I would say YABU, I think it’s perfectly possible to be unfaithful and a good enough parent. Its never going to be your finest moment in that role though.

Why? I don't have therapy.

Just seems to be common sense to me. I think if you are putting your kids' home life and happiness on the line for your own sexual satisfaction then you are being selfish and not a great parent.

That doesn't mean you're always a bad parent though.

My opinion is no

he’s already untrustworthy, a liar and selfish as he risks his family and children’s security and home life by screwing around.

Omg. There is flawed and then there is deliberately and calculatingly destroying your family life.

OMG!!!

Such a lame rationale from you @hereforthelolz

there’s many a child gone nc with a parent for having an affair and splitting up the family.

I reckon all the posters defending those who cheat as good parents are cheats themselves…….

Your a DSL and have this view
Most victims of DV have literally had there self esteem,self confidence and any self belief ripped from them, constantly told they are worthless so they stay in the relationship because they believe that's their worth.

Also many are being financially controlled,do you really believe that many women stay in these relationships for the sake of it.

That's a very warped view for a dedicated safeguarding lead.

Yanbu. A man who mistreats the mother of his children cannot be a "good father"

I disagree. Cheating can often be a response to someone being miserable in the marriage anyway, so is the non-cheating parent a bad parent if they have been unkind/not pulled their weight/neglected their spouse and children and this has led to cheating. Just divorcing someone without cheating can be deeply hurtful, so is someone a bad parent for divorcing the other parent without cheating?
What is bad parenting is passing the adult issues on to the children. Telling children the other parent is a cheat/doesn't love them/abandoned the family etc. My mum had an affair after my dad being abusive for years. My dad pulled out all the stops to try and alienate me and my siblings from our mum - deep depression, crying to us about she betrayed the family, threatening suicide. My mum may have been the one that cheated but she was still the better parent.

so what about women who mistreats the father of their children?

Yanbu
They are spending family resources on their Affair partner
They are taking time away from the family and lying about it
If it's at work they are harming their career progression and possibly risking getting sacked
They are exposing the children's mum to all the risks of STDs and associated cancers and infertility

No decent person cheats

If they want an open relationship they should be honest about it.

I'd say the same!

If you’d have continued reading further on you would have seen that I clarified my comments for another poster! I was a little clumsy with my wording in this original post!!
But my comment about the impact DV has on children compared to the impact of a cheating parent still stands!!

It’s bizarre to think cheating is isolated from parenting and that it can have no effect on children.

It is devastating for the spouse and if the kids find out, it’s devastating for them to find out their parent is dishonest and manipulative like this. The shock is awful.

And yes (OMG as one silly poster before put it), humans are flawed and make mistakes but those mistakes can make you into a failed parent.

IMO, cheating and all the necessary behaviours that go with it, make you a failure as a partner, a parent and as a person who has made commitments.

if you’re unhappy in a relationship then leave with clarity, dignity and honesty.

I agree when you cheat on your wife/partner when you have kids there is an extra level of betrayal involved. As well as potentially breaking up your family you are also being a really shitty role model as a parent and partner. Think how your children will come to view men and relationships as a result! However, I don’t think it makes you a bad dad in practical terms, you can still love your kids and turn up for them consistently once separated but it’s a phenomenally shit thing to do under most circumstance’s and have wide ranging consequences in the short and immediate term.

I agree, I think you have explained what I was trying to say better than I did.

I think that someone could still be a generally good parent even if they are a shitty partner. It’s a totally different relationship. A child is completely vulnerable and dependent on their parent.
A partner can walk away at any time.

I will say that a parent using one child against the other in any way is not being a good parent.
I was on the receiving end of this when my parents split; and it caused me a lot of harm

I don’t agree. A big part of being a parent is setting an example of how we treat other humans. What sort of parent are you if the example you set is to lie and cheat on your own life partner, who is your child’s other parent.

I remember my dad thinking he could be annoyed when an ex cheated on me, but he had done exactly the same thing to my mum, which was worse because he has children with her. At least my ex and I didn’t have children so he was only letting me down, not children. My dad was angry that my ex would cheat on me, because he didn’t see all women as worthy. Some women could be cheated on but not his daughter. My mum was a daughter too but it was ok to cheat on and disrespect her.

Agreed. And also the reason why sooooo many people (male and female) stay in rubbish relationships - because they are trying their very best to be a good parent.

X

You can act it all out and hope the kids don't notice that you hate each other you mean? It doesn't sound like a great parenting ideal to me. Not at all fucked up.

Not hating each other that's not what I mean but just jogging along.