AIBU to think a cheating husband cannot still be a great dad

[Dontlickthebin]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about DH affairs. It's unbelievable how callous these men are.

What I often also see is "DH is a great Dad... DH loves our kids etc..."

Really? Is that really the case? To me when you cheat, you cheat on your partner but you also cheat your children - you are basically saying that whole stable family situation you are being raised in... yeah that's l actually a lie. It doesn't exist. Doesn't feel like something a great Dad would do.

There's probably been a similar question asked but I see some version of the "Great Dad" mitigation so often that I'm asking again

YANBU - You can't be a Great Dad and a cheater
YABU - Cheating is between partners. You can still be a "great DH" and a cheater

More interested in the conversation than stats for polling

I find it hard to believe that a good parent will risk their children’s family for an ego boost. Will risk seeing their children every other weekend or similar. Will risk missing Christmas/easter/birthday half the time etc.

I do think how easily you risk something reflects how much you value it.

I’m more worried about the number of women who stay in abusive relationships! The number of posts on here where what they are describing is abusive is far worse than a loving dad who has an affair! Yes an affair is going to blow a family apart but that can be mitigated by parents being civil but staying in an abusive relationship causes even more damage to children!

I totally disagree with this. If you're a dishonest liar in one area of your life, you always are in the others, and it shows.

Surely it’s not either/or? Abusers are shit, but cheating and lying and distorting someone’s sense of reality are also abusive. Both can be shit at the same time.

As a DSL all the cases that cross my desk are of abusive parents, I’ve had very few for a cheating parent and those that do include cheating also include abuse!

This is so fucking depressing to read. Have you any idea the brain washing that happens when a manipulative aggressive domestic abuse perpetrator gets their hands on a woman they live with? The abuse is designed to control, to remove any independence or agency and to break the person down until they are a shell of a human. Why not ask what social structures keep women in those situations?? Patriarchy, unequal pay, mysogyny, structural inequality, pregnant then screwed etc etc etc??

I’m not saying cheating isn’t shitty because it absolutely is! My point is that staying in an abusive relationship is far worse for children!

You're a designated safeguarding lead and this is your view of abused women?? Sweet jesus .

Get more training , I despair

If a woman cheats does that mean she is not a fit mother?

Yes I deal with the results for the children on a day to day basis so yes I do understand!

This. And yes, there are cases when there's abuse, but let's be honest, this will be a very small percent of cases.

The vast majority will involve endless lies, and leaving the mum short of help at home and kids short of time with their dad, for his own selfish reasons. That's not a great dad.

I’ve had plenty of training and deal with supporting lots of families! The point I’m making is I’m more worried about the impact domestic abuse has on children as opposed to parents who cheat!

I genuinely apologise if I have got it wrong but it appeared that you were more worried about the number of women staying with abusers? The language used implies you are victim blaming and minimising what these women go through. If that is not a true representation of your views or if you have expressed your self badly , I stand corrected

I disagree. One of our good friends had an affair, he’s now happily married to the other woman. He’s an absolutely fabulous dad and his kids adore him. He didn’t cheat on them and his ex-wife always made sure their relationship was not affected by what happened between her and their dad. I really admire her for this.

I genuinely wasn’t victim blaming and I apologise if it came across that way it wasn’t meant to. My point is that children are far more impacted by domestic abuse than a relationship breakdown from cheating. I completely understand the reasons women stay and how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. As with everything domestic abuse services need much much more funding so the help is there when women are ready to leave! The number of families we have supported where there is no other outside help is sickening!

Sorry I can see how my wording is leading to upset, I can’t edit the post!

Sorry I was lary. As a woman who went thru it, it was truly horrific to get out of and I am still stalked, harassed and disbelieved so I'm sensitive!
Any cheater is an arsehole and likely an arsehole in all areas of their life and not to be trusted. Children can recover more easily than the complex PTSD developed from abusive houses. I think the two aren't really comparable

I know two men who cheated on their wives. One was a terrible husband and father - very selfish, never at home to do bedtimes etc. (Apparently has just been caught cheating on the woman he left wife for, no surprises there!). The other man is a brilliant dad. He has shared custody with his ex-wife and honestly, the children are so much more settled and cared for with him, whilst she spends more time complaining about him than bothering with her kids. Yes he should have walked away before starting a new relationship, but he is definitely a great dad. So no, I don't think you can say that a man who cheats is automatically a bad father.

Yes life is unfortunately not so simple. Yes cheating is wrong but sometimes people (men and women) stay as they are worried about the impact on the kids of splitting even if they really want to - I get that is also not good but still

YABU

Good parents prioritise their children’s happiness. To cheat and risk blowing their life up with all that cheating brings with it, isn’t doing that.

Sometimes people can’t stay together, but they can separate when no one else is involved and spend time making sure their children feel loved and secure, building a good coparenting relationship with the other parent. The ideal is parents who are together and happy. The next best thing is parents who split amicably, respect each other as parents, communicate well and are on the same page about their children.

My dad cheated and it devastated me. It made me anxious, I felt I had no security and thought if I can’t trust my own father to not hurt me, who could I ever trust other than my mother. I’ve never trusted my father since, I see him as completely selfish and he knows that my opinion is you don’t love your children if you can do that. It has impacted relationships and how I view everyone and everything in life.

As a positive, it gave me incredibly high standards in a relationship and thankfully my partner feels the same as I do about cheating. Regardless of his feelings for me, he would never risk his relationship with his children. He knows they respect and love him so much because he is a thoroughly decent man. I know he could not live with the guilt of shattering their lives by cheating. They would be so hurt if he hurt me.

Nope. I know two men who cheated on their spouses and are very involved, good fathers who have massively conditioned their life with their next family in order to make sure that their dc from their first marriage were as unaffected as possible.

I also know others who just dumped their first family and never really parented at all. And others who never cheated, remained married and were still shit fathers.

Yes of course , the two are independent issues . I’m from divorced parents and living with the two of them at war was far worse than them separated. Having said that the obvious ideal is living with parents who love each other but if that’s not possible there is nothing more toxic than living in a corrosive household

Yes man can cheat. But still be a great dad.
and yes a woman can cheat and still be a great mum.

YADBU

it is possible to cheat on a partner and be a bloody amazing parent.
many people in dead relationships cheat when they’re staying together for the children or financially can’t afford to separate or don’t want to uproot children from
family home etc

no saying I condone it but life happens. And mums cheat too - a lot- but I bet in hers only dads will be vilified