AIBU to want a cleaner while being a SAHM?

[Ayla1991]

I became a SAHM almost 2 years ago to my 2 DDs (21 months and 4 year old). I look after the 21 month old full time and the 4 year old is at nursery 3.5/4 days a week. Before this my husband and I shared household chores 50/50 with me taking on slightly more. Since becoming a SAHM I do all the cooking, cleaning and admin but he helps a lot when he gets home from work. This is mainly things like tidying after dinner, taking the bins out and feeding the dogs, so no big jobs, although I am very grateful he helps as I consider most of the home stuff my job.

Now for the AIBU. I absolutely despise cleaning. I know it’s my job now as a SAHM but I hate it so much. I also don’t have much time to do it as my 21 month old barely naps, only around 30 mins a day if at all and both kids have late bed times (low sleep needs) so I clean when my husband can watch the kids on the weekend or after the kids sleep at like 10pm. I would really love to get a cleaner maybe even once a month to do the jobs I really hate doing.

I know people may ask if we can afford it and that’s the tricky bit. We can’t sustain our current lifestyle on just my husbands salary but we are partly supported by my redundancy package which was pretty generous and can probably last another year or so, however the more we spend the less time I can have off work. So technically we can afford it but it probably isn’t wise

i know my husband would support it and he always offers to do the cleaning since I also have a problem with my right arm which makes the heavy jobs painful, but I really don’t feel right him doing it. So my question is, would you judge a SAHM for having a cleaner? Do other SAHMs do this?

I can clean (to a point) with my nearly three year old DD around, although it’s limited. I most definitely couldn’t when ds was under three. Children are different and how they are aged two has no bearing on who or how they’ll be at five or six; if you have a mad toddler it doesn’t mean they will be a mad six year old BUT it does make completing household tasks difficult.

DD isn’t bonkers in the same way DS was but she will sometimes announce she wants mummy which means she wants my undivided attention for a while! So it can make getting stuck into stuff difficult.

I don’t even need to read your very long post to say your money, your house, your life.

i can’t leave her alone downstairs and go up and clean bathrooms, hoover, mop etc. I clean the kitchen and living room all day around her

So you bring her upstairs then? She can play upstairs with you for 20 mins while you do something. That’s perfectly normal.

I think your husband should be helping you when your DC are so young. I really didn't have much time to clean on my days off with DD before she started school. But because your resources are limited I second trying TOMM. I started this year and it has completely transformed my house.

way past it now, but when I was on mat leave X2 had a year SAHM then some years PT we always kept our cleaner on - I paused my career to spend time with the children, not to hoover the stairs ffs

I mean this just sounds completely normal, no one suggests you just ignore young children for hours on end to clean but to just flat out proclaim you can’t possibly do any household tasks with children is disingenuous.
Anyone if free to pay for a cleaner if they don’t want to do it, but primary carers have been doing domestic work around children since forever. It’s normal to just exist around them without giving a young child undivided attention 24/7

I’m a sahm and I have a cleaner. Twice a week for 4 hours each time. Do it if it will help you and your dh supports it and makes sense if you can afford it.

My house is always deep cleaned weekly. I have a toddler who is in school half the day so I do have time but I don’t want to spend it all deep cleaning or just cleaning. A very clean and tidy home is a priority for both dh and I and a cleaner is what we both agree on.
I feel that my main jobs are making a wholesome dinner each night, school drop and pickups, uniforms and school emails are sorted, making sure the dc afternoons are in a good routine.

I know a good few sahm’s who not only have a cleaner but also a cook. So it’s very normal to me. If you can afford it, then who cares about how someone else thinks you should spend your money.

I think people know their own children, homes and setups and if someone says they can’t complete tasks with their child around just accept that.

Wow

IMO your job as a SAHM is to take care of the kids and provide them with activities and outings etc. It’s not to be the sole responsibility for mopping the bathrooms! We’ve had a cleaner for years, EVEN before we had kids and it’s frankly a luxury I would keep above other things. I hate cleaning especially the bathrooms and she does the big stairs hoover and mops the floors and cleans the bathrooms so I don’t have to AND neither does my husband who also hates doing it. He’s full time I’m part time and I honestly love having one.

Fuck anyone who judges you, there’s no prizes for mopping your own floors!

I am a SAHM and I have a cleaner! My job is to be a mum....the house work is still shared or outsourced.

I’ve always had a cleaner while SAHM, for no other reason than I hate cleaning. The only aspect is the affordability - maybe think about a monthly deep clean for bathrooms/kitchen? Then you can just do wipe downs/tidy in between? Would an automated hoover/mop be helped too??

It’s not about judgement. If you hate cleaning then it’s not unreasonable to want to outsource it. But it is unreasonable to spend money you can’t afford and put a strain on family resources. You have choices if you want a cleaner -

1. accept you have to go back to work sooner
2. forego another non-essential spend to afford the cleaner

Judgement isn’t a factor here. Good sense is.

This basically. We all have jobs we do not like. I’m sure your husband does in his work. It’s part of life. You cannot afford it. It will deplete your safety net on a whim. I’m sorry but you need to keep looking to the future ad do the best for your family unit.

I was a SAHP and I had a cleaner. We could easily afford it. In fact my last cleaner was shared between two other friends and they didn’t work either (and our kids were teens then). I wouldn’t know your financial situation so no I wouldn’t judge you. Perhaps every other week? Get them to do the kitchen and bathroom(s) and floors.
My kids have either moved out or are at uni. I can’t afford one right now, but would have one in a nano second if I could. I hate doing it. I don’t know why people are so judgmental about it. It’s a good wage, flexible and some people enjoy it!

The issue is one partner is working and the other is looking for ways to fill their free time. It is not equal! One is funding the other. Share the Jobs. Absolutely equal value to looking after children to working but when it starts to be hobbies gym, kids are in school, free time but I can’t possible clean because I don’t like it and want me time etc it starts to be unequal. Depleting family assets that could be used for savings, retirement etc, increased pressure on working partner. Take a step back
and work out what is fair for
each.

If you could comfortably afford it on an ongoing basis on just DHs wages then I would say do it. However you can't really unless you plan to return to work earlier, can you? It sounds like you will NEED to go back to work at some point and that you will be looking for a new job then as well, so your resources should be spent carefully I think. Nobody likes cleaning it's just something that needs to be done, I think you should just suck it up, lower your standards slightly and do what you can when you can. With the older child in nursery so much I don't really think there's any reason you can't do it. I am speaking from both sides here, I now have a 10 and 12 year old and I work full time and have a weekly cleaner and ironing sent out, but I was a SAHM mum when my 2 kids were babies and toddlers for 5 years, I did everything in the home myself then with both kids starting part time nursery at 3YO. I don't see any reason it can't be done with no outside help when one parent isn't working, SENs or disabilities aside of course.

I despise cleaning and would get a cleaner in a heartbeat if I could afford it (at the moment, kids at university so no). So I don't think it's unreasonable in that sense, but it sounds like you can't really afford it.

Judged by who? Who are you planning to tell ?
you dont need to announce to friends or family that you have a cleaner.

sounds like a good idea to me if it would make more of a difference to your family wellbeing than other things might.

There are SAHMs (and maybe some dads) who spend a fortune on beauty/plastic surgery etc. Is yours any worse, or actually better?
Does it matter if people judge? A lot of people are jealous because they'd like the choice of staying home with their babies, but that's not your fault.

How weird that some people would call you unreasonable. Looking after kids is not synonymous with cleaning! Why do people roll these things into one? If you are working in x role in an office, would you feel obligated to also clean the office around and inbetween the time you are doing that x role? No. And it's the same with kids when your are a SAHM. Sure, you can keep on top of things like general mess day to day. But actual cleaning - why would you not get a cleaner if you can afford it? A baby isn't going to just sit there quietly while you vacuum the house are they?

It isn’t as cut and dried as this.

Things come in peaks and troughs. For many years in our relationship DH worked harder: his job was more hours, I had long school holidays where he didn’t and I left home after him in the morning and was home before him in the evening.

Then our children happened and I definitely worked harder, without a shadow of a doubt! But I will stay part time when both are at school, partly to avoid wraparound and also because it gives me a breather. Then the pendulum will swing again.

Our future is uncertain at the moment but I don’t think DH has ever resented my ‘easier’ life and it’s not a good relationship if one does. A good marriage shouldn’t involve everyone half dead through work to prove something to the other.

OP, as a SAHP your job is to look after the children during the hours your husband is at work. You're not the household skivvy.

Having a young child or two at home will mean there is MORE housework to do than if you were at work and the children were in childcare.

Why on earth you feel your able bodied husband shouldn't be cleaning when you experience actual physical pain doing some of it because of a medical reason is absolutely beyond me. Consider carefully what you are teaching your children about the value of different types of work and the difference between equal and fair.

We’ve always had a cleaner even when I was mostly at home with little kids. Why clean your house if you can afford to outsource it? It’s not something either of us enjoy. Same as car cleaning, window cleaning and cleaning the ovens.