To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

It would annoy me. If they want to eat, for the most part they should be eating as a family.

Are they paying for they're own food and cleaning up after themselves.

I don't think you can demand they eat with you, but it's reasonable to say no cooking after X time due to noise in open plan space. It's also reasonable to limit the number of nights per week that your son can have guests over (unless she lives there and is paying rent).

I don’t agree, at that age they probably prefer to cook their own food. Mine very rarely eat with us unless it’s something like a roast. They would rather cook different things and eat at a different time. The only rule we have is that the kitchen closes at 8 😆 so we can relax without the noise and smell of cooking. Maybe you need a similar rule?

Does she live with you? Either way it’s antisocial and doesn’t set a good tone for the future

They buy their own food
she stays over about 4 nites a week which isn’t an issue she’s a lovely girl

Yes I think a cooling time rule might work
we both work full time so dinner is often 6.30/7pm anyway

*cooking

I think if she is going to be living with you for over half the week, you need to decide ground rules you are all happy with about cooking, cleaning and bills etc.

This clearly isn’t working for you, so tell them what you would like to happen instead.

Awwww they're playing house. Annoying and eye-rolley for us but kinda cute no?

Don't you remember having a first love op?

Can you take it in turns cooking for the family

This would drive me mad but is also exactly the reason I refused to even view houses with an open plan downstairs! I need doors. With two pre teens I was already envisioning the days they'll take over the kitchen (which has a TV) but we have another room to retreat to!

This used to do my head in when adult SS lived with us, we would have our meal, clear up, then he would come out his room sometimes as late as 10 or 11pm and start microwaving or grilling or putting something in the oven or deep fat fryer, always something that filled the house with the smell. Ended up making a rule that kitchen was closed after 9pm , except for snacks, sandwiches, crisps, toast, cheese and crackers etc. Nothing that involved cooking basically. He was always invited to have it with us l hasten to add. I'm convinced it was because he couldn't drag himself off his computer until he was starving. Still mega annoying though .

I personally think, if they're at the stage of buying their own food, and being with their partner 4 times a week, then it's probably time they embarked on adult life properly, and moved out. You're not running a hotel here.

They buy and cook their own food and you are still not happy? I think you need to unclench tbh.

We have a very similar situation. We just say no cooking after 9.30pm (except snacks / toast etc) as we want to relax and watch tv.

Easiest solution is they get their own place. Then they can cook whenever they wish

I wouldn’t expect them to eat with me but also I’d expect them to respect that afterwards it’s relaxing time and they need to work around that.

If they eat with you they have to be formal and on best behaviour.

i didn’t want to eat with my in laws - i did sometimes but it makes it into an occasion and very stressful, rather than just having dinner

It’s his home too, I think you are being unreasonable

I think eat as a family. It's not a hotel or cafe. Eat the mel being served or don't.

Except,they are playing house in the OP's house!

Well I’d be asking them to cook for everyone in that case

Few things show how out of touch the majority of mumsnet is than "they should just move out," as if it is so easy.

People are living with their parents longer and longer now and solutions need to be found that aren't just the pathetic cop out "my house, my rules."

So you have moved to a house sharing situation, or at least a lodger. In the same manner that if you had a lodger you would have house rules, you need to decide what yours are. He is an adult and that transition from young child, to teen, to young adult can become stuck when in the family home, so he also needs to see how his life progresses and accepting a new place in the household has evolved and is needed.

Tine to talk!

It's perfectly reasonable to set out some rules. It seems like they have all the benefits of your house without the hassle.