AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

Ok so I assume this is your mil and your husband son 1? It's far from an ideal situation but not for your to interfere - she's a grown women.

For what it's worth, she isn't doing them any favours in the long run - she is teaching them to stay as children.

So you're mentally spending your MIL's money and she's not even dead?

Lovely.

Curious to no who you are in this. Are you son 1s wife?

Iys pretty obvious youre married to son 1. I disagree with 'fair' its according to need and ultimately its her money and house to do as she wishes with.

So basically you want help with childcare and money. That's really what it boils down to.

It's probably got a point beyond where fairness comes into it. Clearly sons 2 and 3 are waste of spacde grifters and why would they move out or work when they can sponge off Mummy, who probably wants rid but feels she can't say so cos they're her kids.

At least Son 1 has his integrity and self respect intact.

Well she’s not doing them any favours.

I think paying for a takeaway for the people living in your house is not something that needs equalising between siblings.
I think that if my parents paid to take my siblings away on holiday but the offer wasn’t extended to me, I’d be a bit put out.

I'm guessing you're the wife of Son 1... I think YABU. She is possibly eating into her retirement fund/savings paying for sons 2 and 3, giving money to son 1/grandchildren for the sake of sibling fairness isn't particularly fair to her. If she's wearing herself out running around after sons 2 and 3, it's not really fair to ask her to help with babysitting etc and wear herself out more just out of fairness.

I don't particularly understand why she's continuing to enable their laziness, but personally I would let them crack on and just be glad for what you have together with DH.

So work is not a priority. Well thats true when mummy is tending to your every need.
Have you spoken frankly to your parents about them enabling these 2 man-children to sit on their arses getting fed and housed?
Have they made a will? Is it a fair split between you and the siblings?

If you are married to Son 1 then the only other thing I'd be doing if I were you is getting Son 1 to talk to his mother about retirement planning and making sure she realises that she needs to make appropriate provision for herself

It would be doubly irritating if she seeks handouts from Son 1 in the future because her other son's are indigent.

It's your MIL's business whether she subsidises her younger sons or not. You aren't due a commensurate hand out every time she buys a takeaway or goes to Sainsbury's.

You're entitled and grasping. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I think it's each according to need.
You haven't said anything about the ages of the sons at home or their situation so it's hard to say whether the mother is helping or hindering them by still supporting them
But son 1 ,who I assume is your husband, is independent , has his own home and family.So doesn't need support at the moment. While sons two and three don't have any of that.
Ultimately it is her money and she can spend it as she chooses. She doesn't owe you childcare or anything else.
Presumably if son 1 was struggling financially and asked for help she would help if she was able. But she isn't a bank.
I have grown children and have helped them both but don't always give them exactly the same. It all depends what they need at the time.

I would still rather be son 1.

DC1 should be proud he got away from the messed up family dynamics.

Yes son 1's wife. And no, I'm not spending her money at all - mentally or otherwise. Son 2 and 3 are the ones doing that. She has many, many (hopefully happy) years left I am sure and hope.

Not particularly looking for help with childcare, although a little bit of help would have been nice particularly at points in the past. She is indeed run ragged by them so I can't blame her for not wanting to help with her grandchildren, but then again they are perfectly able grown men in their mid 30s. And as for money - not looking for that either, at points it really would have helped but we sold our house and moved to a cheaper area so are okay now. I think where the issue arrises is social media as my husband sees his brothers going on holiday, eating out, going to fancy restaurants and playing playstation all day. It really annoys him, and me too to be honest (as you can probably tell). Personally, I cant imagine doing all that for some of my children and just leaving one out.

Who are you talking about? Is this just hypothetical or are these people close to you? The Mum in question needs to take control of her house and her life and get the 2 younger sons to move on. She's enabled them for a long time so that won't be easy. Maybe she's pandered to them because she doesn't want to be alone. She's looking after a couple of Peter Pans, but that's her fault. That's where the unfairness lies - she hasn't insisted they grow up. The other son sounds better off out of it.

Another one thinking DS1 has done the best out of this arrangement.
Do I think that the mum should be doing childcare for him because she's cooking amd cleaning for her other adult sons? No.
Do I think she should be cooking and cleaning and subsidising her adult sons like she is? No again.
But she's the only one here who can decide if that's what she wants to do and if she's happy to carry on doing it.
Should the adult sons who still sponge off her feel bad that she isn't able to downsize as she'd like to and they don't lift a finger? Yes.
Would I expect that her will should split her estate equally between the 3 sons and not give the house and annexe to the spongers who live in it? Yes.
Would I expect she should adjust any future inheritance by deducting living costs off the spongers' amounts? No.

I think relationships are between the people who have them.

My SIL was like your BILs for years. She had a highly enmeshed and codependent relationship with her parents until circumstances changed and she had to move out. None of us envied the relationship because it is not enviable but that was the relationship she had with her parents. Her sister, DH’s sister, just fought non stop with her father because he is an absolute arsehole so a completely different relationship with her parents.

DH just got out aged 20, married and had a family and stayed as far away as possible because the dynamics were awful.

It just is what it is. 3 siblings, 3 entirely different sets of relationships.

Focus on your own life and find ways you can improve your own situation.

As a slightly different perspective, I’m the oldest of three siblings. My parents, as was the way in the early ‘70s, got married young. As with many newly married young couples they didn’t have a huge amount of money in the early years. However my dad worked hard/was lucky or however you want to frame it, and his income increased quite rapidly when he was in his late 30s and carried on doing so until he retired in his 50s.

As a consequence of rapidly improving family finances my younger siblings ‘got more’ than I did when I was their age, because my parents could afford more. They went on nicer holidays, they were bought or given cars, they had the use of the pied a terre at the start of their careers. Not because of any favouritism, just as a result of being at the right age and still at uni / home as my parents became more and more affluent.

I don’t begrudge them that…I was a few years older and bought my own car, or moved into my own place, then bought my own place without that support. Not that it was withheld, they just weren’t in the same position when I was at that stage in my life. My siblings were, and benefitted as a result. But it didn’t occur to me then that I should somehow be ‘compensated’ for that, or that should somehow be evened up or compensated for now.

Not your business.

Does it seem fair? No.
But unless she can leave enough inheritance to last forever, they're screwed when she dies.
Son 1 needs to focus on his lovely life which will last long before mom dying, having enough or running out of money. Sins 2 and 3 sound pathetic and will come undone eventually

All 3 sons are mid to late 30s. Only 18 months between son 1 and son 2 so no age disparity really.
Each according to need is fair enough but the "need" being 2 men in their mid to late 30s who "need" to play playstation all day and have their washing done for them before being taken out for dinner is a bit of a stretch if you ask me!

Does it annoy him as "poor Mom" or is he jeallouas in "poor me"?

If its the first, has he spoken to them and said, Mom's getting older, you can't expect her to keep wiping your bums forever?

If he's jealous, does he not prefer the life he has? Yes they having nice holidays and take put but he has a family of his own making

It's not fair but families aren't fair in my experience.

It's up to your MIL on how she lives her life unfortunately! Have you asked her for help if you've needed it?