To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

To add, this is not an inheritance one. I’m not bothered about her will, I barely know her.

Say no. I'd signpost her to external agencies, carers etc, but don't help. And I say that as a single, childless woman with no family who will be in your auntie's position one day!

I'd do it. She's an old woman, your aunt, and she doesnt seem to have any other family. Plus as you know, she will likely leave you something.

You tell your mother you don’t have the time - you don’t. That if GA needs help, it will have to be paid for. I’m assuming your mother is going to inherit and perhaps that’s clouding the judgement when really GA probably needs to move into a care home near you or pay for a cleaner/housekeeper.

Of course you can't do that, it is absolutely nonsensical to ask you.

Good god no! This is not your responsibility!

She can get a cleaner or paid help. You have enough on your plate already.

Just say no. You are not obliged to do this and your DM is being very unreasonable to even suggest it.
Your aunt can pay for a carer or cleaner. Meals on wheels is still available.

If you cant, you cant. You need to tell your mum that you won't be doing it.

Don’t do it! Why should you? If she needs help she will have to pay for it. Can your DM ring adult social care and ask for an assessment of need for your aunt? She may qualify for a care package

Your aunt needs to arrange help to allow her to stay in her own home.
No way would I be doing this.

🙄

She’s actually my mother’s aunt not mine, and I barely know her.
I’m sad for her that she doesn’t have any close family but she does have friends and a bit of a social life still. She’s not lonely.
I don’t want to help her out on the basis that she might leave me something, because a)I don’t want her money and b) I could help her out for years and she still might not leave me anything, so there’s no point having that in mind anyway.

A two hr round trip every other day to help with housework and cooking? Has your mum lost her mind??

No, there's no reason for you to take on that responsibility. I say this as a childless GA, living alone with long term health problems. It's my responsibility to organise my own care, not my family's.

I find it very hard to believe your mother would suggest this, @SooPanda.

The natural thing for her to have done would be to encourage your great aunt to investigate the usual outside sources of help.

It would be reasonable for you to google and pass a list on to your mother.

(I’m very family oriented - in normal circumstances.)

I do wonder if my DM has the inheritance in mind, so maybe it is “an inheritance one” after all 🤦🏻‍♀️ But I’d rather GA use her money on carers, cleaners etc. to make her life more comfortable.

The GA didn't seem to do much sustaining either. Driving somewhere every two days to clean/shop / do whatever for someone you have no relationship with is not "sustaining family values".

Why isn’t the great aunt expected to have the values of not imposing on a woman she hasn’t seen in 8 yrs, who has a job and children to look after. Why is the “family value” that OP needs to bend over backwards and sacrifice time with her immediate family, rather than great aunt getting a cleaner.

I found it hard to believe too!
My DM is the type that doesn’t think WFH is real work and that I can just swan off in the middle of the day.

Family values? Helping out with the expectation you’ll be left something? Nice values!

That's batshit!
On a separate note, start thinking about what your mum's expectations of her old age and any family/professional care will be and let her know what your thoughts on the matter are. Presumably your mum will have decades ahead of her to plan financially and mentally if you aren't able/willing to meet her expectations. Start those conversations now

Yes she's your aunt. Your mother's aunt is also your aunt. She's your great aunt. One of your grandparent's sisters. Make sure when you see that will, you say "no thank you, i did fuck all for her and so I really don't deserve a penny".

In my culture, we help each other. We live in extended families. That is why i get to decide whether it is beneficial or not for my individual children to go in paid childcare as well as family looking after them.

It's also why we know our family Will look after us when we are old, and not just stick us in a care home when it isn't the best thing for us.

It's why I'll never be 2 days postnatal, wondering if I have the energy or time to make myself a sandwich or have a shower.

It's really such a shame that the dominant culture here has lost all these values. It's so sad going into care homes and hearing of nurses having to comfort the dying because their families are too busy with their own life to even see them off.

It's shameful.

I can’t be sure I’d even do this for my own mother tbh - let alone a great-aunt. Bonkers.

What i am saying is that as she is one of her only loving relatives, she will likely inherit from her whether she cares or not. For that reason alone, which the OP knows full well, I'd get off my arse and help the old woman out.

I mean I do this for neighbours just because they're local to me and need help so of course id do it for my aunt an hour away.