AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

I applaud your boundaries, OP! If you are not friends and taxis are available, your neighbour is a CF to ask.

TBF though, it's not for her to dispose of other people's time or decide whether their refusal is justified.

The hospital is an hour’s drive away? That is so cheeky - ok if it was 10 mins down the road, but a 2 hour round trip? No way.

I would have done it in a heartbeat.

Because OP is working and would have to rearrange her schedule. Would you take time off your job to take a neighbour to hospital when she's got perfectly able adult DC to help her?

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty,

but now it is...

The hospital is an hours drive away so 2 hours round trip for us.

It's okay for you to say no anyway OP, you don't have to embellish the request to make it sound worse than it is now people are saying they would do it if asked.

At least you'll get people frothing at the bit now to say what a cheeky cow she is.

Dont feel guilty . Its really annoying when people just think as you work from home you can drop everything and go do something else. You really cant ! .
Like you said they have family who work . So why cant they take time off and give her a lift. That would be the normal thing to happen. Or a taxi .

I am with team OP on this. I dont drive but if I need to go to an appointment there are these things called taxis, which I would have suggested for her. There are also charities like Age Concern who could probably have directed her to a volunteer source.

I once did a kindness for a neighbour filling in her benefit form after which I quickly found myself drafted in as her unofficial PA. I was doing her life admin, shopping etc despite the fact that I had no car. She took to popping in pm when she knew I was working at home. I had to invent a story that the uni now required all the academics in the office. Fortunately she lived in the next street so I could get to my house via an alternate route without passing hers.

Sometimes its as well not to get to know the neighbours or set up a precedent. I am a great believe in taking responsibility for oneself or paying for the help you need.

I bet your neighbour sees you at home and being available for the school run and has presumed that you're just 'free' rather than realising that you're having to make any time up that you're not working.

Op can see your point as will she ask every time.. her family should really do it. My mam might get odd taxi to apt and we collect her. But theres 3 us

These were my initial thoughts but then OP updated that the hospital is an hour away so a 2 hour round trip- I would refuse as well. I'd probably say yes for my neighbour but that's because our hospital is a 5 minute drive away

Tell your mum she can do it if she’s that bothered

I would just never ever think to ask one of my neighbours to drive me anywhere.

If she's not very mobile she can order a hospital transport. Or if there's nothing much wrong with her mobility then what's wrong with public transport? She just doesn't want to pay for a taxi? Well tough frankly.

If the person was family or a very close friend it would be a different matter. But a neighbour I barely know? I'd be embarrassed to impose so heavily on someone so really it's her who should be feeling awkward. Not you.

I would have done it. It's just a few weeks. Sometimes it's nice to do things for neighbours. My Dad (who lives 4 hours drive away from any family members) was having some treatments done where he was unable to be discharged without someone collecting him and keeping an eye on him (so taxis were out) and his neighbour used to collect him from these, it would have been an hour round trip for them. But I don't drive and my Dad would have felt very uncomfortable with a guest in his house if I had to come stay to be that person. The neighbours kindness meant such a lot to us.

I am not close with my elderly neighbour but I have always said to let us know if they need help with anything. I saw an ambulance there the other day and text her to find she was being monitored in the hospital and offered to go buy/ bring in any bits she needed, or to collect her when she was discharged if she needed a lift.

It's nice to build that closeness with neighbours. When we were out for the day she spotted a parcel left in full view on our front step and text us to say she was taking it back to hers for safekeeping.

I'm a right miserable git but I would do this for a neighbour provided they hadn't been a problem neighbour in the past. Four weeks is a finite and quite brief commitment and unless she has form for CFery I'd assume she'd have to be out of options to have asked. An appointment on four consecutive weeks is presumably for a course of treatment and I can totally understand not wanting to use taxis if you're feeling rubbish enough to need that.

Yes, I think to have a cordial relationship moving forwards, you should explain that you don’t mean to be unhelpful, but as you and partner work full time, you couldn’t get that time approved from work/make the time back up as you already work long hours. I work full time and there’s just no way I could have 2 hours OOO without struggling to make the time back. And it’s not fair to expect you to use precious annual leave.

Of course you're not being unreasonable - that's what taxis are for!!

Has she maybe decided that because you are both WFH you are in fact available at any time for any requests or requirements? And an hour away?! Jog on!

I think it's nice to have a community though. No man is an island and all that. Did you never do playdates or childcare favours either?

An hour away! 2 hrs out of a working day is a reasonable chunk of time.

She sounds rude anyway - who gets arsey at someone they barely know not doing them a pretty big favour??

Blimey, a 2 hour trip?! What a cheek. But I don't understand why, if their child is going that way anyway to collect, they can't take her? I wouldn't dream of asking someone i don't know very well

If she was let down on the day and had no alternative, I would have helped if I was free. Thats a very different scenario to this.

An hour away. Definitely not. That’s a two plus hour round trip, and would take up a whole morning or afternoon.

Hospitals have patient transport services. She should contact them, or see off there’s a local voluntary service.

You are definitely not being unreasonable
Why as women are we expected to bend ourselves in 2.. be helpful been polite... move things around in our already busy lives..look up volunteer scheme at hospital for neighbour (that s the hospitals job) ...
Neighbour sounds a Cf er and the entitled response would have pissed me off. .. just know the request for favours would escalate and turn into demands

Her request is really odd considering that you hardly know each other. Why can't she get a bus or an Uber? How old is she?

My child has regular hospital appointments and of course I do the two hour round trip for my child. This is part of the reason I wouldn't have time to schedule a two hour round trip for a neighbour for four weeks. There have also been times I've taken my child by taxi, so it can be done. Ten minutes away, sure. Two hours is a huge ask for many people.