AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

It’s very easy for your parents to say that they’d do it, in theory, when it’s not them having to rearrange their schedules and play taxi driver.

As for whether I’d do this for my neighbours - it depends. If it was for a time I was available, the hospital wasn’t too far out of my way, and it wasn’t the really annoying neighbour, then probably at least one of the weeks. But I’d not be wanting to have to rearrange my schedule for the next month around it.
I certainly don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to not give them a lift when it’s inconvenient for you, it’s not an emergency so they should be able to sort something out without you.

Incidentally one of my elderly neighbours is currently having regular hospital appointments. He’s never driven, and he gets taken to hospital by a patient transport service ambulance (one of those ambulances that looks more like a minibus).

I’m shocked at the answers on here. I read so much stuff on here bemoaning society and the lack of communities these days, “it takes a village to raise a child” etc. And then a neighbour asks for help and it’s a just an outright no.

If it was an emergency, eg being let down by a taxi on the day and I was home I would, but if it's something arranged for the future surely they should be able to arrange their own transport, eg taxi or public transport if they don't drive? Assuming there's no major drip feed that you live incredibly rurally.
Bit different if they knew you were retired and had little on, but if you're working and have kids that's a big ask!

I think YABU. You could’ve helped someone but simply didn’t want to. I think you should own that a bit more rather than reiterating how busy you are. We are all busy!

It would depend on how long the journey is and what I had planned. I would try to help at least one of the weeks because it's a decent thing to do and I believe you get back what you put into the world.

I would if I could even if I had to move stuff around, or just do one or two. My husband would too, as its nice to help people out...and apart from anything else you never know when you or your family might need htlp. Maybe your parents might need help one day and hopefully people would be nicer than you?

Op I would prob do 1 apt. I found with my mam she asked her neighbour for lift to chemist, drop her to gp, and list keeps adding on. I do what I can at wends. Its hard when you put on spot..

If I could juggle things then definitely yes I would help. You never know what the future holds and you maybe in a similar position one day.

It depends on so many things. Neighbours on the left, no, neighbours on the right, I'd consider it. Is it a ten minute drive or an hour? Am I working or will it interfere with my own commitments? Does the neighbour have a back up plan for unexpected emergencies on my part? I do know the local hospital does have a patient transport system. I wouldn't be closed entirely to the idea but it does depend.

Well it isn’t very neighbourly no. I think I would have said yes. But watch out of additional requests.
True she could have booked a taxi I guess. But may have never booked one in her life before.

It would depend for me on what the condition is and how long the drive to the hospital is.
In short - no you don’t HAVE to of course.
But some people chose to put kindness out into the world and some don’t.

Yes we work from home, but we still have to work! We both start work around 7am ish, one of us takes a break to take the kids to school and college and pick them up and then work til 5pm ish.

The hospital is an hours drive away so 2 hours round trip for us.

She is 60 ish, lives alone but has a partner who doesn’t live with her. I see him there sometimes but I don’t know how often she sees him.

She looked shocked, said ‘right’ and walked off without saying goodbye.

YANBU but prepare to be told you should help out by people here who are happy to lend you out. They wouldn’t help themselves.

Your neighbour is presumably solvent and can afford a taxi. My mum is the same, thousands in the bank, but won’t pay for a taxi. But she’s my mum, so I do it for her. I wouldn’t do it for a neighbour who can afford a bloody taxi!

Funny how she asked you and not a male neighbour, isn’t it?

With your update of a 2hr round trip and the fact she's only 60 it's a 'hell, no'

She can definitely get herself there.

As I said, it depends on circumstances. A two hour round trip, no. I couldn't accommodate that.

My daughter was wheelchair dependent for a couple of months due to an injury. I had to get her to hospital for weekly appointments. I got a taxi there and we got 2 buses back. Apart from one time when a relative gave us a lift.

It’s a significant commitment and would set a precedent if lifts were required in the future. Usually people take taxis in these circumstances.

If I was available, I would've done it. My own son has regular hospital appointments and I know how tricky it can be getting there, especially without a car.

She must've been desperate to ask.

Does she know you work from home? I wonder if she thinks you don't work so would have time?

Is this not why taxis exist?
I genuinely couldn’t imagine a situation where I was knocking on a neighbours door and expecting them to rearrange their life to shuttle me to an appointment - to me it is the height of rudeness. Especially when it was going to be hours of your day.
Now, a neighbour who was more of a friend I’d be more willing to help out, but I work full time so it would have to fit around my availability.

I wonder if your neighbour feels that, as you WFH, then your time is your own to do with as you will, and does not appreciate that though you may be home, you are working?

Almost as if it's different people saying those things, isn't it? Couldn't be that, though, because there's so few people on Mumsnet.

Just seen it’s a 2h round trip and you’re both working. A flat no from me. You would have to take time off work to accommodate it.

I would have helped and I think it’s a reflection on society nowadays that you are not willing to help despite saying you could have without too much difficulty.

When I had my colonoscopy / endoscopy, I paid for a taxi to the hospital as my DH was working.

Why would you ask a neighbour?

I can understand if it’s unaffordable or your friends but other than that I would prefer a taxi.