AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Taxis are better when you’re feeling rubbish as you don’t need to make small talk, you might feel you have to with a neighbour doing you a favour. Just sit in the back and rest.

The woman’s partner should be making sacrifices to accompany her to the hospital if she can’t/won’t take a taxi.

This is just another case of finding the nearest woman to offload on.

I’m already a carer for my disabled, elderly mum. I have elderly neighbours who want me to devote time to them but I only have capacity to take care of my mum.

I would help in an emergency but the expectation here is way more than that.

Wow, an hour away.

I thought you were not be unreasonable before you said that, but even so now.

The number of people who can afford a taxi but would ask others instead is about 100 times the number of people who genuinely can't afford it.

I could be sunbathing in the garden all afternoon and it still wouldn't mean that I would be obliged to take someone else miles away when they seem perfectly capable of managing themselves, given they live alone.

Not to mention that the appointment could be running significantly late.

I have never had a taxi let me down. Nor have there been multiple people in my taxi with me.

It depends hoe much it would inconvenience me. I work full time from home so would say no. I do know people see me working from homr and assume I am completely free for all and sundry. Even family think this. Did she possibly think you are sitting around doing nothing if you work from home? Not really the point and not really your problem though

She came to our door, chatted about other things for a minute and then asked us if we could help her. I said no as it wouldn’t be possible with work meetings and the kids, who have all their end of term stuff coming up. She looked shocked, said ‘right’ and walked off. There was no opportunity for us to make suggestions.

A taxi often let's you down, is used by multiple people etc etc...

It's clearly not the same interchangeable thing. I would have done what I could to help and been super grateful for my own health.. what it must have taken to ask you 😔

Karma

I think that's quite a severe approach to life and favours generally and not typical of people I know who are generally willing to help one another out.

The assumption that it must have been so difficult to ask - not really, some people are entirely selfish and think others would be delighted to spend significant time and money on doing something they should be doing themselves.

Your time is your own. Your car is your own. Your money is your own - and no one else should presume to tell you how to use it.

She wants you to take 2 hours out of work to do her a favour when her adult children aren't pprepared to do the same, and she's not prepapred to pay for a taxi to take her there.

Not your problem to sort out. You are as unavailable as her children and lack the close family ties that might make you think you should take time off work to help.

She was very rude. She asked, you said no, she should have said thanks anyway.

I would have helped. The whole point of a community is to help each other out. It was only 4 appointments. I think it’s pretty horrible not to help

A 2 hour round trip? You would really do that?

Really? You would do a 2-hour round trip for a woman who is only in her 60s so should be perfectly capable of ordering an Uber and who has a partner and adult children? OP works from home so would need to ask her employer for two hours off during work time. Why on earth would she do this for a neighbour that she hardly knows?

I would have refused too in that circumstance but would have perhaps explained a little - I bet she sees you doing the school run and thinks you dont work.

eg 'you are asking me to take two hours out of my working day/rearrange meetings/client contact to accomodate you - unfortunately neither me or my employer can absorb the cost of this'

That could have been an anxious response rather than an entitled one when you put it that way. Doesn't mean it's your responsibility though. It's a reasonable boundary and you explained why.

Yeah I think this is a good point, if she needs a lift there...how is she getting back?. I suspect she'd expect you to wait as you're 'taking her'. So it's easily half a day. And it sets a precedent.

We have neighbours who are genuine friends, neighbours on polite nodding terms and neighbours who we barely know, the friends one we would give a lift and the rest can make their own way.

One of us could have done it without too much difficulty but it would have meant moving work meetings and possibly one of us missing end of term stuff with the kids. It was possible as we have flexible jobs but we didn’t want to do it for someone we don’t know well.

If I could, yes.

Again. OP initially said that it wouldn't be too difficult but seems to have changed her story. I was going off what she said in the OP.

If it wouldn't be too difficult? I'd do it.

Maybe you can the woman’s number from OP and volunteer your services? Pretty horrible not to.

They were not unreasonable (or "cheeky") to ask you; you were not unreasonable to say no especially as you were not free at the requested times. If I'd been asked, given I don't know the neighbour well, I'd probably have assumed she was asking everyone and I'd wish them luck finding someone if I couldn't help. I wouldn't assume from her facial expression that she was outraged at me for not helping or had automatically assumed I would help. If she really was shocked, it might have been more your delivery than the situation.

Your parents are being weird; are they normally argumentative for the sake of it? It's not a particularly interesting topic of discussion so once you'd asked if they wanted to volunteer and they said no, I'd firmly change the subject.

(Or is this yet another cleverly disguised thread devoted to the endlessly rewarding topic of bashing non-drivers?)

YANBU at all, particularly as the hospital is an hour away i.e. a 2-hour round trip for you in the middle of your work day. I think she was being very cheeky and entitled and to give you an arsey 'Right' and walk off shows she's a rude cow as well, as if you're only deserving of civil niceties if you're doing her a favour! Fuck that.

I think some people assume that the rest of the population is just sitting around doing nothing. I can imagine her telling her DC 'Well I see them drop their DC off at school, but they're at home all day apart from that, so I'm sure they'd be available to give me a lift'.