AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

I think the conversations need to be around safety i.e. HOW they will get home, stay together etc, not focused on time. Plus gow to be respectful i.e. not wake you up! There's no point going clubbing and being back by midnight. The good thing this time of year is they will be coming home in the light!

18 is an adult which means you can't impose any curfew. You can only ask that they are quiet when they come home as to not wake people up.

When I was that age my parents had the rule of be home on the last bus or sleep at a friend's house. The last bus got to my road around 00.30/1am.

I think they were mainly worried about safety as they didn't want me walking by myself/being the last one in the taxi. All my other friends lived really close together and I lives about 15 minutes walk away.

You're anxiety isn't your DCs problem though. When does it ever end? If you don't get used to managing your anxiety now how will you ever get to the point where you don't need to impose a curfew?

Do you not think we asked DS to be quiet beforehand? Three times he ignored us and thought he knew best.

Three strikes and you're out.

They are adults you can’t impose any curfew! My son was exactly the same and this is completely normal. If my mum had put a curfew on me at 18 to be in by midnight I would have been out the door!

Eldest is 17. She needs to have a discussed way to get home safely and needs to be back by midnight at weekends whilst studying and by dark in the week. I don't see that something would happen much differently at 4am to 11pm though and I think post A levels she can come back at any time if she's thought about safety first. In fact, she's going to a festival in the summer and will not be home for days. I'm anxious though. I do understand.

My brother never had a curfew but that's because we were the sleepover house for his group of friends as they all lived in more awkward places/had stricter parents.

I think they should be given a chance to go out with friends on three occasions and if they don't follow those rules you set then fair enough it's your home, impose the curfew.

I can't believe all those people saying they just casually ignored curfews or their kids would just ignore them, like it doesn't matter. If I'd tried ignoring a curfew, it wouldn't have been worth it. My parents would have made sure of that. I wasn't even allowed to be one minute late before hell broke loose. Then again, that did contribute to me leaving home at 17 to no curfew in my own home.

Your poor daughter, I’d tell you where to shove your curfew. Passing your anxiety onto your daughter just because you’re worried.

I had a curfew of sorts when I was still living at home, in that my mum asked me to call before 1am if I needed a lift, as they couldn’t handle being up any later than that. Completely reasonable.

If I’d wanted to be out later I’d just have told them what the plan was.

I must be an unnatural parent as I’ve never done the lying awake worrying until they get back thing. I guess you can’t help it if you do that but it’s not universal.

Let them enjoy themselves, as long as they are sensible and have their mobiles and a plan for getting home I don’t see the problem.
I’d have a curfew on weeknights when still in school/college but after that you can’t really tell and adult when they have to be home (unless they’re expecting lifts from you of course)

I don’t give a curfew but ask them to keep me informed. Let me know if they are going to be back late etc. I think that’s a respect thing, as I wouldn’t just walk out the house without telling someone where I was going .

But the OP’s eighteen year olds haven’t brought random strangers home nor have they woken her up. Mine go clubbing when they want to until they want to and have never brought any random people home. I don’t even think I’ve specified that as a rule, it’s just a given!

I don’t think you can really set a curfew, they’re adults. When I was that sort of age my mum would leave the hall light on and then I’d switch it off when I got in so when she woke for the loo she’d know if I was in or not. I also knew I needed to come on quietly so as not to wake anyone and lock the front door.

Would you have a different approach if they were boys? I have an 18 year old DS he doesn't have a curfew. I don't lie awake worrying about him because frankly I'm too tired. He usually texts if he's going to be really late i.e. 3am onwards, or if he's sleeping over. That's our deal - no curfew, but he's responsive on his phone. Having said that, his girlfriend and all his friends live very locally - he's rarely more than a 20 minute walk from home. We live city centre, he doesn't have far to go and doesn't need to rely on trams/ metros / buses to get home. He's not a fan of clubs and doesn't drink much (not compared to me at the same age).

We live in a tiny flat and I rarely hear him come in tbh.

Its all part of the "my anxiety/depression/health condition is everyone elses problem to fix for me"

(I say that as someone with a condition that also affects my sleep and makes me feel like shit, but I dont expect everyone else to have to stop their normal daily lives)

I go more for DC (and it's more my DS, as DD is 12 and does have strict curfews/is not allowed out on an evening!) being respectful, being safe, letting me know who they're going to be out with, where they'll be headed, how they'll be getting home and so on. I ask my eldest to let me know if he'll be staying at a friend's place, and to drop me a text when he is starting to head home/any changes in plans. My phone is on all the time so any problems, he can call me. Open communication is important to us. I work FT as a nurse so I do ask that people are quiet, respectful etc when they come in. Life 360/Find my phone are kept on for all of us (me, my DS and my DD). Sometimes - if I have work the next day (as I have to wake up at 5am to be on the ward for 6:30/7am), we do negotiate curfews. My house is small (and only one reception room downstairs) but I don't have a problem with him bringing his friends back, as I'd rather they're safe at mine. Currently one of his friends is asleep on my sofa (and my DSS is on a camp bed upstairs in DS's room!)!! I think that those rules are reasonable. DS is 19 (20 in September) and these rules/talks have worked very well for us. I do worry but it's easier knowing that DS and his friends know to keep in touch and keep safe. When DS was at school, I did put in curfews and so on (on school nights) as I didn't want school work/studies to suffer.

I've had to do "mum rescue" three times:

-once when DS was at home with me, but when other friends had messaged him to let him know that some girls they knew were paralytic in a local park (lovely park during day time hours but not somewhere you go after dark as that is where people go to drink/do drugs) and needed rescuing. They were all in Lower 6th and didn't drive. It was a freezing January evening, and I insisted on driving out there with him (he didn't drive and wanted to go out and help them!), finding the girls and then ensuring they all got home safe (and thank God I did, because one of the girls tried to tell her parents that my son had been with them and plied them with alcohol - he had not, he had been at home with me and DD that afternoon and evening, studying for his Yr 12 mocks!). It was a pitch black, below-freezing January night. The girls were half dressed, had lost coats/shoes and were freezing cold and covered in vomit. They were highly vulnerable. I had to find out their parents' numbers (for two of them) and get them picked up. I then had to get the third girl back to my car, and figure out where the hell she lived (10miles out of town - no bus or taxi would have taken her) and get her home. Had my son tried to manage that on his own, he could have been falsely accused of something he'd not done (the girls had told their parents that they were studying at a friend's house but then bought in a lot of vodka and hung out in the park on the sly, then the third girl tried to lie and say that DS had been the one that gave them vodka and took them to the park!). I think that event was the thing that made him realise just how important open communication was, and how bad things could have got if he hadn't involved me. To be fair, the parents of the girls were horrified at what had happened (and thanked me/my DS for helping them!).

-once when my DS had too much to drink, so I got him and his friends back to my place safely, and made sure they were all alright.

-once when I'd expected DS and his friends back at midnight (that's what they told me). I woke up and saw it was about 2am, they weren't back so I checked Life 360 and saw DS was at hospital!! Phoned him straight away: turned out a random drunk guy had head butted one of his friends and they'd taken the friend to hospital to get checked out. Again, I got them all back home safely.

I don’t do curfews at that age. The rule is that you come into the house quiet enough not to disturb everyone. If you disturb everyone then there’s an issue, but if you don’t it’s fine.

I had a curfew. Meant I sat in a bus stop in the daft hours twice after nightclubbing with my Grandparents (who brought me up) thought I was staying with a friend. Then I started booking a room in a really dodgy hotel. I was probably safer in the bus stop in hindsight.

It’s such a special age. Why mar it with weird unnecessary strictness?

No curfew here. They tend to get in around 1am but last year my eldest states out until 6.30am, I only knew because they told us. They come in and are quiet and respectful of others in the house.

Curfew - no - but an expectation of sharing general plans ( pub only or clubbing) and a check there was a plan to get home. I always felt they were safer staying with the group than coming home alone to meet a specific time. Same with parties. First few times , I would insist on checking phone battery so I knew they’d be able to get an Uber home if needed. A couple of years on and this is a running joke and they still say ‘Don’t worry - phone’s on 80%’ as they go out!

Also a curfew makes no logical sense. It’s not like Cinderella and after a particular time the world suddenly becomes dangerous but before that time it’s absolutely fine?!

Let them stay out and have their fun! Just set some ground rules: if you come in late, come in quietly, and if you decide to stay at a friend's house text to let you know.

Curfews at 18 are ridiculous.