AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

At 18 my sons never had a curfew. To be fair on the whole they were quiet coming in. The only way I knew they were home was the leftover pizza boxes in the kitchen!

If they are going to uni in September part of your role as a parent is to prepare them for this.
By having a midnight curfew at 18 one month then free rein the next could cause all sorts of problems op.
It will be like they are out of the box so could very much end up dancing on the lid and not in a good way

yeah that’s why I said I wouldn’t make it a big deal that I was staying awake I’d just have to do it without making them feel guilty but also know I’d be on the other end of the phone for anything if scared or unsafe.

I have a son the same age, he was 18 in June. He does not have a curfew. He is my youngest of three, we have said to all the kids that they need to let us know if they are NOT coming home, just a text so that if we wake up in the morning and they're not there, we know why. We have also said that if there is any issue at all with ever getting home to pick up the phone and call and we will sort it out - that's the same for the oldest who is 23.

She's fine about it, she knows the score and isn't rude or disrespectful enough to ignore it. Going from 17 to 18 doesn't mean you can suddenly do whatever you like.

Oh no I wouldn't be pretending that I'm happy to wait up all hours past my bedtime not knowing what time she would come in and make myself exhausted in the process.

They are Adults, treat them as such.

I was responding to those who have said they shouldn't have any rules or restrictions at that age.

No curfew but have to message if not coming home.
I didn’t wait up for them but equally they knew they could always phone if they had an emergency or needed to get out of a situation.

They're adults, you can't impose a curfew. You can expect they are quiet when they do come in and don't wake you up. If they're going to uni, they'll be able to do as they wish anyway. If you are too strict now they'll go even wilder at uni once they're cut loose.

I suspect quite a few parents who have unreasonable curfews and are unusually strict with adult DC impose them because they want the DC to move out quicker than they might have done.

Tbf creating an environment where its the DC choice is a less hurtful approach than just asking them to move out.

Sympathies OP, I hated this stage: they needed to be living their 18 year old lives, but I still had Mum worried and didn’t sleep well!

Of they’re off to Uni there will be no curfew, no MumTaxi, so let them get used to how to manage late nights while they are still within reach!

We live in London with night buses and Ubers so it was OK.

Rules to encourage: They must stick together, have an uber account / taxi number and take care not to let phone battery die. It might often be more practical to share an inner to one friend’s house, in which case they must text you.

If your children are going to uni I would feel more reassured that they'd had a 'practise' of making decisions without a curfew while you are there as backup, rather than suddenly having freedom in a new town and with no safety net after being very restricted.

If they are post A levels I assume that they are off to university in three months time where they'll be able to stay out as late as they like and come and go as they please with whoever they want to be with.
You might as well get used to it now.

At the end of the day I’m 14 years and 18 years practically until im in this situation. I’m just going off what I believe i would do and also what my mum did. My mum was in her mid 40s when I turned 18 and she was our sometimes when I was, sometimes we went out together sometimes she wasn’t and then if she wasn’t out I’d just be expected to be quiet most likely my mum was awake but never made me feel bad apart from the time I came in really loud on Christmas Eve and woke my stepdad and siblings but we laugh about it now. I just wouldn’t be able to make my child feel guilty for having a life exhausting or not

Mine is older now, but post A levels - let me know where he was and how he was getting home, or if he was staying at a friend's house. Otherwise, free rein - he was an adult and knew to be quiet if coming home late.

I’ve got a 17 year old boy in first year of alevels and he doesn’t have a curfew if he goes out, I want him to have fun not to be clock watching so he’s home on time. He is sensible and so far hasn’t given me any reason to give him a curfew, I don’t sleep properly until he is home but I will get into bed and try to sleep. It’s not his fault!

I understand your anxieties, being only a few years past this point with mine, but, yes, you have to let them go. Arbitrarily saying, eg 2am, would be ridiculous. The same things you fear that might happen after 2am could also happen before then! You are lucky in having twins as presumably they will travel together as well as look after each other. Plus it sounds like they'll be in a group. If 'something' happens (highly unlikely) there will be others to look after them. It gets easier over time and I even stopped waking up in the small hours to check messages etc.

But that is a you problem not a her problem. I worry too about my kids and don't fully rest until they are through the door, but that is something I need to work on and that does not include curtailing their freedom.

and make myself exhausted in the process.
Yes you are making yourself exhausted that is not your daughters problem to fix

I came home when I wanted to at 18. It wasn’t a great lifestyle, lots of time spent on drama and alcohol, young men, experiencing unnecessary lessons.
It is normal for a lot of 18 year old young adults. I personally wouldn’t like my daughter to be doing it, she’s nearly 18 but not interested in clubbing or alcohol, thankfully.
As yours are already interested I’d prefer them to leave when the group is leaving, safety in numbers.

Yes. Or in my case they didn't necessarily want me to move out but wanted to keep control over me in a "my house my rules" way.

My parents insisted on a midnight curfew after I was 18. None of my friends had this and I hated it. I would stay at my friend's house at the weekend as often as I could (parents would moan "it feels like you dont want to be here". Erm, yes!) Then when I went to uni I went nuts with my new found freedom.

First uni summer holiday parents announced at Easter that there would be rules. I had to get a job and pay rent and there would still be a midnight curfew. I got a summer job with onsite accommodation (and freedom) and didn't come home. After graduation I never lived at home again, I knew it would just be rules, rules, rules.

Sorry about the rant. I feel better now!

It's something that won't change though will it? You won't suddenly stop giving a shit and be able to rest easy not knowing when DC will be home.

Ah you're a long way off then, you might feel differently at the time.

No curfew, she would stay out all night. Clubs don't close until 4 and then wait for first bus home

I never said stop giving a shit, I said you need to work on your own anxiety when they are out because staying awake until all hours waiting for them to come home is achieving nothing but a bad nights sleep.