AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

I agree. I need my sleep!

If they're not paying rent then I'd say it's your house your rules. If you don't want people in and out after a certain time it's up to you. They can of course get a job, buy a house and then stay out until 4am should they wish.

Mine didn’t have a curfew

If their behaviour affects others in the household like waking you 1am with them spewing everywhere, slamming bathroom doors and talking, yes it doesn't go down well and is disrespectful.

This has happened in the past so as it's not a student flat but a family home with younger children rules have to be made.

My house my rules.

No curfew here either, doesn’t mean I like the thought of them out half the night though!
what helps me relax / get some sleep is setting an alarm on my phone for when they think they’ll be back, they turn it off when they roll in, and should they not come back it’ll go off, then I can start worrying!
it’s tough letting go, isn’t it. I’d love to turn the clock back to having little ones that only wanted to be with me again.

And this is why people are leaving school woefully unprepared for life because, instead of acknowledging they are now adult women and need to do their own thing (including messing up), they are infantilised

But you can make it clear that they need to be reasonably quiet !! Mine managed it. I wouldn’t put a curfew on a post A level gathering but if it started becoming a regular thing mid week Sbs I wax being disturbed there would be words. DS2 is 18 and will be out late on prom next week.

My DD is also 18 and just finished her A levels. She can come home when she wants but the deal is she messages to give an idea of when she will be back so I don’t worry if she’s not home. If she’s going clubbing, then I want to know arrangements how she will get back and to travel back with someone else . We are in London so that means she might go back to with a friend to sleep at theirs or they come back to us. She’s not gone clubbing in central London much but we also have got her to preorder a cab to share home.
Most of the time, she’s out locally at friends. She’s either driving home or will get a cab if she’s had a drink.
The main deals for me are a) let me know what’s going on re timings and b) be quiet when you come in.

I’m really struck by the posters on this thread who think their anxiety and ‘not being able to sleep’ means their adult children have to have a curfew.

Your anxiety is your own to manage, internally. It’s not something you spread outward through controlling the behaviour of others.

It’s a failure to reach maturity to think your anxiety means you control others rather than controlling your anxiety.

I’m really struck by the posters on this thread who think their anxiety and ‘not being able to sleep’ means their adult children have to have a curfew.

Your anxiety is your own to manage, internally. It’s not something you spread outward through controlling the behaviour of others.

It’s a failure to reach maturity to think your anxiety means you control others rather than controlling your anxiety.

They’re 18 so no curfew.

BUT - strict reminder to be careful out, AND quiet when they come back!

Absolutely. It’s disturbing that so many people control their children because of their own issues.

OP - you can’t give a grown adult a curfew. Just make sure they take a key and are quiet when they come in. I regularly came home at 2-3am at that age having walked back from clubs or a bar.

I will control anyone who lives in my home in some aspects.

You will not bring random people back to the house during the night without my advance agreement. I have younger children to keep safe, I want to be safe and I want you to be safe. If you don't like it, get your own place where you can do what you want.

At this stage of life, I really suffer if my sleep is disturbed. Not talking about one offs or rare occasions. It's not a free for all to come in and wake me up by cooking or doing other things in the night whenever you want. If you don't like it, get your own place.

You will not decide to get a pet that lives in my house without my agreement.

My house my rules. Not that I've had any problems with my adult children still at home. We all get on great.

It's your house. If it puts your mind at ease, have a curfew. If not, then don't. Simple as that, really.

No curfew for mine, but they had to let me know what time their taxi was and when they were expected home.

We never did “”curfews” beyond about 16. I have bad memories as a teen of friends parents in the 6th form being absolutely neurotic and aggressive about this and shouting and screaming at us for bing 10 mins late. We had to travel miles as we were rural so a hard deadline was actually hard to meet.

None of your examples here are about anxiety. My post was absolutely explicit that it was about people with anxiety not managing it, but instead controlling those around them.

My daughter is the same age. She does not have a curfew because she is an adult and she’d laugh in my face. And probably give me a curfew to prove a point. It never entered my head. I’d rather save the energy I would use having an argument about it that I would lose and channel that into having the kind of relationship where I can tell she if she’s in any bother at all while she’s out she can call me or her stepdad and we will be there to help her or friends. She’s never let us down, including when she was a bit younger and did have a curfew.

If youve done your job properly they should be self regulating at 18. It would actually feel weird if I told dd2 when to be home as she’s so grown up like another adult. She runs her own life and often stays with close friends or boyfriend. I do want to know if she’s here for tea.

At that age I had to be in by the time my parents got up (7am) and I had to be quiet. Worked well.

Fair enough.

I admit I do feel better when I know they are safely home, but you can't live life in a bubble.

I did have a rule at one point about coming home between certain hours because it would disturb me all the time. My health is important too, and I was really feeling it. It hasn't been an issue lately and they have shown they can come in quietly, so I think that could be modified to no curfew but no cooking or messing around in the living areas when they get in at unsocial hours.

In her gap year dd1 (super sensible) got a job in a restaurant. They would often go out after their shift so she would be home about 3 sometimes. She was basically nocturnal. If I’d been one of those “can’t sleep until you’re back” I would have been a wreck.

I also think “my house my rules” is possibly my worst ever saying. It is parroted by a certain type of person one I would never be friends with.

So you think it's okay for a grown child to decide their terms of living in your home, even if it reduces your quality of life, your security, your health or negatively impacts others in the home? That's the one deal I have - it mustn't impact my life negatively. So my house, my rules it will be. I can't go anywhere, but they can get their own place if they want to be the grown up who makes all the rules.

They’re adults. You can’t give them a curfew. You can tell them they have to be quiet coming in.

If you went out, would you think it acceptable for your husband to give you a curfew because he struggles to sleep if you’re out?

@Letfree
Its a scary time when your DC spead their wings especially when you have girls.

I used to give my DD taxi fare so she could get home safely until I realised she was spending it on a takeaway and walking home in the early hours eating said takeaway. 🙄
I then started leaving it on the stairs so she'd get a taxi and have to come in, get the money then pay the taxi.

Its difficult but you have to let them make their own choices as adults