AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. This is not ok. It sounds like a combination of laziness, weaponised incompetence and perhaps some genuine lack of knowledge (but obviously you’ve learnt, so not an excuse as he should too).

I think you need to think carefully about what you want and need from him and then make it very clear to him, laying it out and perhaps writing it down.

I’d suggest:

1. He must do the fully agreed portion of the ‘night shift’ (if baby is bottle fed formula/expressed then that’s easier)
2. You alternate bath times every day.
3. You alternate or split exactly equally evening and weekend feeds.
4. You make a rota for housework (not ideal but if he can’t be trusted to pick up the slack himself in a fair way it sounds necessary).
5. You make a rota for cooking evening meals. It can be more you than him if you think that’s fair, but shouldn’t be just you. (To those who’ve said that those at home on leave do most of the housework etc. -that’s not always possible and depends entirely on the baby’s habits and nature).
6. You have agreed time every weekend for yourself - e.g. at least a couple of hours a day to do something you want to do, alone or with friends.
7. When the baby is old enough, book some time away for yourself without him and baby (if you feel you can be separate- I know it’s hard). Give him plenty of advance warning and then go for a couple of nights.
8. You have a rule like ‘if X housework isn’t done or bottles need cleaning, then our phones go in the car key bowl/away in a drawer etc until that’s done’. Phones are a nightmare for robbing us of time and this can be a useful tactic to focus attention on the baby and the house.

I’d suggest using phrases like ‘I need you to…’ ; ‘It’s essential to me that you step up by …’

The above will give you a bit of breathing space to actually rest a bit more and see if he does what you ask. If he doesn’t step up, you’ve given him a fair chance and can plan to leave if you want.

Honestly, the lack of bedding and c section thing made my blood boil for you. It’s appalling from the sounds of it.

@chocoluv you're right that men are (or should be!) just as competent in the parent role. I expect OP will fret if she does leave her husband that he won't be able to parent his son. (No doubt his mother/the grandmother) will take over as how can a man be expected to "babysit" his own child? )

What does he do for a living?

Honestly he isn’t being a normal husband at all. I’d go and stay with my parents and get the ball rolling for divorce.

You should have gone down and asked for some food. Don’t be a martyr!

Other than that, yes of course he’s taking the piss. It’s crazy that he hasn’t cooked you a meal since you gave birth. WTF?! That’s not on.

My advice having been in this scenario, do not be subtle. Sit down and tell him everything you have said on here and tell him you are thinking of leaving him. If he doesn't think you will bail and he will lose his whole family he will use a range of covert of overt aggression to silence you. He needs to think his own little slice of heaven is about to come crashing down. He is in essence a very selfish man. Like most men. So that's why you don't be subtle he will just ignore it. Be explicit and switch off the love. No sex no touching him unless he steps up.

Wtf did I just read!

You poor woman.

Get fucking rid.

I'm assuming you can't remember what it's like to have a baby of this age? I can as I have a 2 year old, and what she's described is common. You're basically held hostage by the baby during witching hour and it's difficult for you to do anything, especially sit down and eat, unless someone comes to assist. My child was impossible to get off to sleep in the evenings and I more or less had to feed or hold him for most of it. I didn't have a partner so it was family helping so I could eat and shower. At this age you're so dependent on other people to help you unless you have an unusually placid child.

My brother also has young kids and is a thoughtful partner compared to OP's and would take it in turns with his wife with settling the kids in the evening (as he should) without her having to ask. Can't imagine him behaving anything like this.

So he is incapable of caring for a baby.

He doeant think to prepare you food.

Does he do anything except work and go out on his own activities

Or as I used to do I handed the baby to their father and said I am going to do whatever, there is no point standing on ceremony if you want something done just do it

this sitting back and waiting around like a child doesnt work

You need support with a new baby, not this wind up with him. Can you go to your parents for a while. Ur dad sounds caring and like he will know how to fix this situation. I think you need away from ur husband. Making a big showy dinner for his friend is just rubbing your face in it. I feel for you OP. Please leave and stay with Ur parents till you get a plan. Sending love to you and your gorgeous little one.
DH just a big fat no. He's told you what you need to see.

Reading more of this thread is making me so worried about having a child with a man around. My first his father left when I was pregnant and so I did it semi alone with my family supporting me. My current partner wants us to have another baby and seems like a great guy but I feel like you only really find out once you give birth and it's too late 😱

Lock or block your door between 8-12 and silence your phone. Once you are in a better place with the baby, kick him the F out.

But before you do that: gather and make copies of all the important paperwork, all inflow and outgo. His paystubs, your taxes, bank balances, do a deep dive to see if any money is coming out the accounts that shouldn't be. Don't forget any credit cards, bank loans, automobile payments and maintenance, travel, vacations. Dinner for his friend. Be as thorough as you possibly can be with the money.

Make a spreadsheet, and separate the expenses by categories, children toys, treats, medical, your own medical, diapers (and don't forget how much the cost of diapers over time goes up, add it in, projected costs), groceries, laundry soap, and other household items, like bandaids, paper towels, enter it all into a spreadsheet, medical, insurance, house mortgage or rent, gardening, water, utilities, clothing, heating, cooling, oil changes, alcohol, does he go out? Make a column. Vehicle, petrol, upkeep, insurance, parking, tolls, tokens, rides, trains, subscriptions, everything. If breathing costs money, give it it's own column. Check your receipts, check his receipts. Bank records, go back in time to do this, at least one year, two is preferable. Look at all the bank records. Is there money going out you didn't know about? Every dime is accounted for and is in a column of an expenses spreadsheet. You will need this later when you separate.

Notate exactly how much time he spends with the children every single day. Notate his interaction with them. You will be glad you have this information later.

Do it slowly, take your time, but do it. Hide your information, lock the file with a password then hide the file in nested folders, hide two password protected copies online. Once you have clarity about the money find a solicitor who specializes in women to file an action for a divorce.

My friend had a husband like this. They are divorced now.

BUT from outside their relationship, although he was pretty useless, I could also see that she wouldn't really let him help, even though she said she wanted him too. If he did try, she'd tell him it was all wrong and swoop in, so he never had to learn and never gained confidence.

Would it really matter if the baby had a bath that was slightly too cold? We never bothered with a thermometer and DC's first bath was too cold. They cried, we made it warmer, it was fine. Would it matter if they wore clothes that were too big (and maybe he'd have realised once it was on?).

Assuming you don't completely want to give up on him yet, I'd say:

• give him the same explicit jobs he's responsible for every day. My DH always did the washing up and DC's bathtime for example, and got up with the baby to give me a lie-in on Saturdays.

• earmark regular time every week when you go out and leave the baby with him. If the baby is bottle fed presumably that's possible. He will have to learn. If you divorce presumably he'd have to deal with the baby alone.

• maybe leave the baby with your parents for the day and try to reconnect / have serious discussions about how you are considering divorce. Maybe he'll wake up. At least he can't say he wasn't warned.

This 💯

Be totally cold and brutal about getting your evidence and flying under the radar until you got it all. Then file for divorce. The first time he hears about it is when you serve papers.

OP, get yourself a SHL and set things up to get the best financial deal you can for you and your baby. I feel you have a steel core. You can free yourself of this dead weight. He has severely underestimated you.

Okay, she could have left the baby for the two minutes it would have taken to get some food, and gone back to sit in the bedroom with her dinner. Or txt him asking him to bring a plate of food to her. What I meant was, she's not completely helpless in this situation so she could have eaten, but I also acknowledged how he should be doing a lot more to care for the mother of his baby and it makes sense that she feels annoyed because he is showing care towards others over her. Sounds like there's much bigger issues here than one missed dinner anyway.

Blimey that sounds extreme at this point!

I think if OP's Dad was recommending she speak to a solicitor when the baby was only 3-4 weeks old, then things are actually much worse in reality than the OP is able to portray in her posts.

I won't lie op, I think his relationship with his friend is more than just friendly.

Your relationship lacks any kind of love and respect. In each pregnancy especially in the last trimester I would be up loads at night. My dh would wake up and check on me, give me a back rub, go down and get a hot water bottle etc. I was never an inconvenience. Instead he set out to ease my discomfort as best he could. My dh has always been a present dad. I don't say this to show off or upset you but better is possible and out there. A partner should rise you up whereas yours is a dead weight. I'd drop him in the sea.

I think going to see your family is a wise decision and I'd get their help and support in making plans to leave. You have already had conversations about his behaviour and given him ultimatum. He hasn't changed because he doesn't want to.

One thing I will say is that in the early few days dh would ask me for opinions on everything with regard to our dd1. I told him to pull out the manual for her that I clearly had in my back pocket. Yes it was sarcastic but I told him I was winging it like everyone else and just getting to know her and her needs. I responded how felt natural to me. He admitted he was afraid of making a mistake, she was tiny and precious and he wanted to do a good job. I told him to trust his instincts and he did. So in a round about way I am saying i made point not to micromanage him but could only do so because he never put dd in danger. If your dh is then of course you need to step in.

I ended up going in for reduced fetal movement and he didnt come with me as he was working the next day, first scan he was on a golf trip and said ‘did he really need to be there’. I was sick on the carpeted floor and he asked me to make sure I make the toilet next time as it stained the carpet. Typing this out I am so so sad.

The amount of people offering suggestions such as sitting him down and explaining what he needs to do and making him lists etc is really quite disheartening. We should not need to do this! If my husband dies before me I really can't see myself getting involved with another man, it's just so much work. The good ones are few and far between it seems.

Omg. I say this to my sister and my friends. I am married for the 2nd time (19 years) to a great man. My first husband and I split when our son was 3. I really cannot imagine starting again for a 3rd time. This is my 2nd and final one!

I feel so sorry for you. Your DC will be closer and more loving to you.

My DH was great at the time (early 70s). He loved doing all he could, sometimes I felt he was a better "Mum" than me! When he was holding them he would be kissing the top of their heads a lot and the giggles and laughter coming from the changing mat was great to hear. Your H will be missing all of this, you wont.

It’s really disheartening reading some of the responses. Yes, we all need to communicate but this loser is doing sod all and isn’t even trying. Why should OP have to ask her husband to step up, to involve himself in parenting their shared baby? Why should she even have to ask for him to include her in a dinner he prepared? It’s outrageous that he didn’t make her a plate, he left nothing for her. What an absolutely inconsiderate man.

It is hard for dads as it is mums with a new baby but basic respect and responsibility towards baby and each other should happen without words.

It shocks me the toxic language used against women when it’s as plain as day that their partners are not stepping up. We’re martyrs, we must teach them, write them lists, not expect basic consideration and manners. It’s depressing to read.

I hope you are able to stay with your parents for a bit. Your dad sounds like a good man.

That's so sad to read. It sounds like he doesn't care about you or his child at all. You shouldn't stay with a man like that. You and your son deserve so much better