AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

You need to advocate for yourself, you're a mum now. Either join them, or ask your dh to put yours in on a plate if you're in a different room. Yes you shouldn't have to tell him to step, but martyring yourself isn't the answer

You sound like you take over everything with the baby - even if your partner did want to do something - you think he can’t do it right so do it yourself …

Also it’s rather child like of you to go without dinner just to make a point . You are an adult and could have therefore fed yourself . It’s a bit pathetic to use food as a weapon . You don’t appear to communicate your needs very well at all.

I don’t see this relationship lasting .

It's not easy being a single parent but it's less painful and upsetting than knowing there's another adult in the house who'll happily sit back and make life harder.

Honestly OP, if he wanted to help he would. If he was interested in the baby and cared for you, he'd want to roll up his sleeves and pitch in. My dcs Dad was worried about being clumsy with our babies but he got up during the night with them, fed them, changed them etc from day 1. He learned, just as i had to, because he wanted to. Your OH seems completely disinterested.

You need to do something now OP if you keep doing everything yourself then it will become normal. It already has. You need to nip it in the bud. He either actively parents or you split. I also think you need to leave him to it a bit more, the baby will be fine but he needs time to figure this out himself.

If you can, nip this in the bud now. I know it feels like a kindness or like a practical choice to have separate rooms so one of you can sleep, but I promise you this is the quickest way you can breed resentment and make a rod for your own back.
I did this with my DD and in the first month I insisted that DP rest because he had to go to work. I didn't prioritize my sleep at all. And because of that, he didn't prioritise my sleep either and he got very, very comfortable with just leaving me to it.
My DD didn't sleep through the night for two years (this is rare and I am sure your little one will get the sleep thing much quicker 🩷) and I had set the precedent that I dealt with it so I did. He only did a handful of nights in those two years and I HATED HIM for it. Our relationship will never be quite the same again. I was in the grip of major PPD and he didn't help me and I didn't ask him to. It was a mess and it has left a scar.

Stop making your husband's life easier by removing yourself and the baby. Next time there is a meal, sit down with him and the guest and ask the room "Could one of you please hold baby while I eat? I haven't had a moment to myself all day!"
Ask him to bring you a plate if little one needs a quieter space and you have to leave the table.
Ask him, in front of his friend, to swap with you after 30 minutes because you'll need a break if little one can't settle down.

Move back into your room, bring baby with you.
Get a side-cot if you need one and don't have one. Make DH put it together.

He created this beautiful little person and the next little while of life is going to have tough moments, he needs to be in the thick of it with you for both your sakes.

we have been sleeping in two seperate rooms since I was pregnant as he was getting annoyed with me waking up peeing all the time and vomiting due to hyperemesis. We then moved into a shared room for about 5-6 weeks post partum until his mother suggested (to his delight) he move to another room to ensure he gets the sleep required for his work

I need you to know that this is not your hormones making you crazy. What you’ve described is just not good enough. You and your son deserve better. Being single and having a child is bloody hard, like unbelievably hard but if you can be near your family and can have their support, I think life would be a lot more peaceful and bearable for you. This guy sounds like an idiot.

Hi op I’m not really sure what you’re getting from this relationship. He is a waste of space. He’s a loser I guess it won’t get any better I would definitely be considering separating at least for now. I hope you get other support but as a father he is definitely one of the shitty ones I wouldn’t be get him a Father’s Day card he’s not even trying to be a father never mind a shitty one. This is my first LTB. Good luck you are definitely going to need it.

There’s a lot of ‘so I just ended up doing it’ in your posts OP. You need to stop this. Yes, make sure the really important stuff is done properly, but other things like driving for your weekend away ‘because he was tired’ is ridiculous. I would have got into the passenger seat and refused to move. If you always ‘just do’ stuff he will never step up.

Make it more inconvenient for him to ignore things or do things badly. His friend coming over at the ‘witching hour’ then just be there downstairs with baby and let baby fuss in front of people. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, stop doing everything and let a few spinning plates drop.

I think it’s time to get your ducks in a row OP, I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

Just the sleeping in another room as it is more important for him to get rest than you is enough.

Follow your dad’s advise. Leave him and tell the world why. Don’t feel ashamed you’re divorcing because of his behaviour and keep everything he has done a secret.

I would agree some of this if the OP’s waste of space husband had any redeeming features. She has not identified a single one in any of her posts.

I’m not sure I could ever get over having to beg my own DH to look after me and my newborn. Not sure I would want to either as it doesn’t bode well for the future. What would happen if, God forbid, you got seriously ill and he once again didn’t step up and you had to fight him to care for you? I just couldn’t love or want him knowing he let me and our baby down when we needed him most.

For the love of all that’s holy - listen to your family

This “man” would be a cunt but he lacks the depth and warmth

See a solicitor, get the ball rolling and get out ASAP

OP, I am glad you are considering divorce . He will have to pay some maintenance and child support. Do you think he will ask for 50-50 arrangement? Presumably he will leave the baby with his mum to look after.

Best to start talking to a divorce lawyer just to know your rights and start to gather financial information. Hopefully he is PAYE which makes it difficult for him to avoid paying. Don't give him an inkling that you are thinking of divorcing him whilst getting your ducks in a row.

Good luck. You are still young and the baby is still little.

He’s a selfish twat who does not put you first. I doubt your marriage will last. The sooner the better. Good luck 🌺

I do hear you, but he was always amazing taking care of me during infertility treatments and he cared for his ex during two cancer diagnoses - he isn't an uncaring man. But those early days blew both our minds. I was deranged (and didn't realise it) and I think, looking back, he was depressed too and then we slipped into this awful, unhealthy pattern that was driven by me and welcomed by him ... Jesus. Typing it out and looking back at it all, it was bloody traumatic.
I see it as a major blip in an otherwise happy relationship, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't left a scar and that trust is still being rebuilt and I think actually seeing the exceptionally close bond DD and I have and realising his bond with her is not quite as steady is something that really drives home to him how badly he messed up and seems to inspire him to try harder and look for ways to improve things for our family.

From what the OP has said, her partner doesn't even want to drive them anywhere or cook for her at all and has it far worse. I wish her all the very, very best.

File the Divorce papers on line tomorrow. Tell everyone why: Loud and Proud just like a megaphone.

You are not unreasonable to want more from your husband.

But I voted you are being unreasonable because your husband is home, you should be telling him what you need! When the baby was being fussy I'd take a shift for a while then swap out with my husband to hold/ walk the baby.

If I was in the bedroom with the baby I'd have my phone with me and text down to please bring me food/ cups of tea etc. that I want.

Yes ideally he'd know and do this without being asked, but you need to find your voice too.

I don't think having someone over at 5pm is a problem though. But then we were quite relaxed about things at this age- if they were my friend too I'd have sat downstairs with them and fed the baby in the room with our guest or had the baby nap on my shoulder so I could join in the chat. If I was shy I had a feeding cover, but I didn't feel like I needed to spend hours locked away.

If you want food get food

@LilacReader your post is what I was thinking, too. My DH has plenty of friends but none that he'd lay a table for (the exception being Christmas when it's the done thing)

Right. Take notice of this scenario and how its made you feel. Unless you pull him up short now in no uncertain terms you will see much more of this behaviour. MAYBE he is trying to give you space to settle in as a new mum but hes going about it wrong way if he is. He needs to be much more helpful and considerate. Show him your post on here and let him see the feedback you have got from all. If he does not make some considerable effort I think you might want to seriously consider what is best for you and baby and it might not be him x

I fear this may be moot but your initial posts say you stay in a bungalow and bedroom is on the ground floor. And then you said about being upstairs.
In my day we put our elbow in the bath water to check the temperature was correct, how things change.

I am like well I had to learn? We both started at the same stage and you opted out so its your fault you do not know how to do it.

This really pisses me off!!

Why is it seen that mothers can naturally do all of this stuff and fathers can’t.

We don’t have some magical powers that enables us to know how to do things - we learn it.

I hear it all of the time - how can a man know how to do X, Y, Z - ermm the same way a woman does, by learning it.

I read it all of the time on here.

I remember my mum getting annoying with one of my DB’s exes because how was he supposed to cope for an entire weekend on his own and telling me that I needed to help him - ermm no, as a single parent I figured it out.

My friend used to have to parent her boyfriend’s kids whilst he slept in or went out with his mates. When I asked her why she does it, she said it’s because he doesn’t know what he’s doing because he’s a man - I said you’ve never had children and you’re managing just fine.

I hate this idea that men cannot be competent parents and that when they do the bare minimum they are even congratulated for it.

Men are just as capable as women to be good parents but many just choose not to be.

It feels like there’s unreasonable behaviour on both sides. On the one hand he hasnt stepped up enough since the baby has arrived and absolutely should have made food for you and should be managing baby so you can rest/have a break.
on the other hand you seem to be not asking for help when you need it and then being furious he didn’t realise. You also seem to be criticising him/ micro managing him when he is doing stuff, I’d imagine that would make him feel anxious about getting it wrong.
You seem really resentful of him, the best solution would be to try to talk to one another about what you need/expect and look at how you can support each other going forward.