AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Yanbu. No problem in having friends over but never going to this effort for you, even making up a plate for you or inviting you to eat with them is unacceptable .

Did he ask if you wanted any dinner or to join them? The only thing he’s done wrong is not making you a plate of food up

To not plate you up some dinner is shocking. Unbelievable. Has he always been like this?

It's pathetic he didn't even come up to check you were OK but why did you choose to sit upstairs in the dark rather than pop down or just let the baby be grumpy downstairs alltogether? You could've passed the baby around while you ate and had a drink together.
If he was more husbands friend than yours then it's reasonable to rather chill upstairs than feel intrusive but you definitely should've had a drink and meal alltogether.

When does your husband have the baby?
Why does he sleep in the spare room?
Why doesn’t he make your tea?
Why is he treating his friend like the King?

Sit him down and tell him he’s an unhelpful, lazy shit. If you think he’s just thoughtless, tell him explicitly how the division of labour is going to work then give it a month and if things haven’t improved, you leave. If he’s just a lazy bastard, you might as well get ready to bin him now.

They were both unreasonable. When I was the visitor in this situation, I very pointedly told the husband “doesn’t your wife need to eat? Don’t you need to check if she needs anything?” Etc. In that instance the husband didn’t impress me by needing to be prompted either. They split 2 years later and I was unsurprised.

You sound like a martyr, there’s really no reason you couldn’t have had dinner. You choose to lock yourself in your room to make a point.
You know he made dinner, you know he laid the table and then you went upstairs and never resurfaced.
Its weird your DH didn’t just call you down but there’s really no need for your weird behaviour either.
Babies are perfectly able to have someone else in the house on a rare occasion after 5pm.
‘I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.’
Why did you just stay upstairs even beyond settling the baby?
You just sat there next to a baby sleeping in the cot getting angrier about how hungry you were when you could have just gone downstairs?

I don’t understand why you didn’t come back downstairs all evening? I would have handed baby to DH and tucked into some food. Off his plate if necessary.

He sounds like a useless wanker, but nobody likes a martyr…

Yeah I don't understand. Not about your dh being a useless twat. IF I'd have been in your shoes, I'd have settled baby and come down and embarrassed him? Ask 'oi, where's my dinner?'.
But I wouldn't put up with that sort of thing. But you should pull him up on it?

I think YABU. It'd fine to have friends for dinner, he probably wanted to meet the baby. I don't understand why you hid away and didn't get food? It seems like you were determined to be a martyr

I don't understand why you kept out of the way for the whole evening. Also why didn't you tell your DH to plate you up some food and bring it up to you or save you some for later. What usually happens in the evening? Does your DH usually help settle the baby? Also why didn't you get something to eat at 9pm when baby settled and spend some time with your husband then or was he also in bed by 9pm. It seems like there isn't much communication going on here. Ideally he would realise what you need from him but if he doesn't then tell him.

I imagine there is more to this than just the friend and the dinner. Do you feel he hasn’t been supportive enough? Having said that why on earth did you disappear with the baby and stay in your room? I assume it’s your home too. You should have all been together. It’s only a baby. He could have sat in a bouncing chair whilst you had dinner and a catch up with the friend

Honeyhonay · Today 13:21
You sound like a martyr, there’s really no reason you couldn’t have had dinner. You choose to lock yourself in your room to make a point.
You know he made dinner, you know he laid the table and then you went upstairs and never resurfaced.
Its weird your DH didn’t just call you down but there’s really no need for your weird behaviour either.
Babies are perfectly able to have someone else in the house on a rare occasion after 5pm.
‘I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.’
Why did you just stay upstairs even beyond settling the baby?
You just sat there next to a baby sleeping in the cot getting angrier about how hungry you were when you could have just gone downstairs?

Sorry op but this. To add to this you sleeping on your own with the baby is making you responsible for everything, he should have to go through what you’re going through. I think you need to properly talk to him and let all of this out, having a young baby is hard enough but you’ve a teen too.

Unless there’s a big backstory here, from now, you want to start getting DH as involved as possible. When I was BF , especially at the heights of night wakes and cluster feeds, I expected DH to do all the cooking/house admin and to help out with everything else fairly. He does not get to excuse himself from parenting.
I understand why you’re upset, he should have been thinking of you, and prioritising you, his postpartum breastfeeding wife. However you’re clearly going to have to force him to step up, and if he can’t/wont, then you have a clearer answer to your question about whether it’s easier/better to be single.

Why aren't you using your voice? Yes he should notice things and have the initiative to think of the things you mention, but he clearly doesn't, so why in 13 weeks have you not discussed this with him? You went to bed hungry in your own home - why didnt you just go downstairs and get some food? Had he asked you to stay out of the way?

This is so bizarre to me. Yes, settle the baby as he has company, and presumably it's better for you to do this instead of making small talk while the husband does it.

But why did you shut yourself away? If the baby was unsettled, bring the baby down and take turns while eating, when we had young babies, husband would hold the baby while I ate as much as I could then we swapped.

You are a grown human, you could find food!

Really.
really
really
he hasn’t cooked dinner in the 13 weeks since his wife had a baby, now he does it for his friend, DOES NOT EVEN FEED HIS WIFE AND THATS YOUR COMMENT

op, what are you going to do about it?

1. are you cooking for him? Stop.
2. you say you didn’t even save me any food. If you ever do this again I will come down, hand you baby, tell your friend you must be madly in love with him as this is way more than he’s done for you in months, and leave for a few hours and you can have your friend catch up while being a dad for about the first time. You can cook tonight and clean up after yourself as the biggest step you’ve made to being a partner since I had our baby.

Theres obviously a back story to this scenerio its just one example. I have asked him
to help with the night feeds, told him I feel like a single mother and tried both overt and subtle ways to ask him to help.

He is over three months old and he still did not have a car seat for him in the car for example - I had to literally put the car seat I had bought infront of him this weekend to get him to install it. He does not have it in his car as he has never taken him anywhere since he has been born.

This weekend I had bought things to decorate his room, whilst he sat on the sofa reading I was running around during his nap time putting wall paper up - despite asking him to help.

We stay in a bungalow so I left the door open and once baby was not crying took him out to smile and coo at the friend whilst they go pictures, once he started to cry and want fed again it was back to me to get him settled.
As it usually is, every evening. Despite me literally teaching him how to do it on several occasions, my mum and dad has even tried to show him too.

He has been well aware I have not eaten in 24 hours and cooked a mealfor himself and ate it infront of me. With the Morrisons order I organised to be delivered and paid for.

I should say ‘eaten a meal’ - I do have a supply of chocolate / oat cakes and crisps I would snack on

Well, you are a single parent by the sounds of it, he isn’t interested in your of his kid. so tell him to leave and don’t look back

I'm not sure how you eneded up absenting yourself to another room for the evening, or was it specifically a table set for two?

Regardless, you need to start speaking up very clearly and soon, before this resentment builds and you can't come back from it. It will set the tone for the rest of your relationship, and if you are genuinely feeling that it would be easier to be a single parent and do it without him, than try and parent with him then that says that he's pretty shit.

Tell him so.

he is meant to have the baby between 8-12, whilst I sleep in the other bedroom. He is not aware I have been awake when he has been putting him in the cot in my bedroom earlier and earlier, so 10/11

He initially slept in the spare room following his mothers recommendations to be fresh for work - he now does it on days he is not working and weekends. In all honesty I do not want him sleeping beside me as when he did he would wear ear plugs and just roll over when I was feeding the baby, it has repulsed me.

You need to start standing up for yourself. Does he want to be a father and partner or not?

If he doesn’t listen to you and show motivation to fix your relationship, then you have your answer and you need to decide what comes next for you and your baby. You deserve so much better than this. But you do need to communicate that.