AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Please call them now and see if it's convenient for you to visit. You need space from this man.

How on earth was he tired when he is sleeping in another room so that he is 'fresh' for work and doing fuck all parenting?!!!!

The more information you've provided OP the worse it sounds. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. It is really hard adapting to life with your first baby but at least if both parents are sharing it then you feel supported. It is so sad you don't have this support.

I think it was dramatic to sit up in your room and not eat, you could have gone down and had dinner so that was a bit unreasonable and technically it's not an issue for a Dad to have a friend for dinner with a baby, but the issue is that he hasn't been taking care of you after baby, and cooking for his friend has made you feel so bad because he should have been doing that for you and he hasn't- it's shown he's clearly capable and its annoying he hasn't made any effort for you. I've always done the majority of baby care when mine were that little because it's what works for our family but my husband would take care of me -cook and make sure I ate and cleaned etc.

I’d be moving back near family to get some support permanently

Did he explain why the fuck he didn’t leave you any food at least?!

Everything you've said about this man child is utterly vile, you would be much better off doing it alone. Hes a pig

They ate all the food by the time she came down, she was settling a fussy baby remember?

I also think you sitting in a bedroom the whole evening was ridiculous, but I would have called him out on not setting table for you and ask where your dinner was. At 13 weeks old babys body clock isnt properly formed, its not a deal.having a friend over. I think your actions are symbolic of the wider picture..youve had enough of him and who can blame you.

Sounds like you're tiptoeing around him. I would tell him the cold hard truth - no hinting, or suggesting but give it to him straight. He's a shit dad, crap husband and you might as well be a single mother - which you will be if he doesn't sort himself out. He can either step up or fuck off and let you do it alone. I wouldn't have stayed in the bedroom waiting for food, I would have gone in and got some, and told him what I thought of him afterwards.

I have told him what a terrible father he is in front of his friend: All of it, including the fact he has cooked for him but never for me! Time to say it as it is in front of his audience. Don't hold back - go full on in front of everyone, every time, until you leave.

After reading all your replies you should divorce him. He adds nothing to your life or child’s life.

it’s easier to divorce now than in a few years.

Do you ever go out and just leave him to learn how to interact with the baby? It does sound like weaponised incompetence but I notice your comments about you 'had' to take over - are you constantly hovering telling him everything he does wrong? How will he learn ie the bath he said its ready so you having to check gives impression you have no confidence and he knows he doesn't need to learn as you will take over. Same with the clothes surely when he put them on he would realise they were too big and change.

“Weird” doesn’t even scratch the surface of what this abysmal behaviour is and it sounds like it will only get worse. Would you be willing to give him an ultimatum?

Sometimes you react like this postpartum, especially if it’s the first baby. You see obstacles where there are none. I remember I got severely constipated because I „couldn’t” put down the baby to go to the bathroom, baby had to be held at all times. I couldn’t eat lunch because I was holding the baby, so I just had a few plain rice cakes until my husband woke up and took the baby. A few months later I was doing all sorts of things while holding baby with one hand, but in the first weeks you’re so bewildered you don’t think rationally

If he wasn’t dead, I’d think you had my ex husband.

Id go, if I were you. I wasted 20 years on mine. He never did ‘women’s work’ . It wasn’t even weaponised incompetence. He just point blank refused. Never tried to bath, feed, dress, hold any of his children. Never washed a dish, never made coffee, or poured a drink and certainly never cooked. i had to work alongside him, though with baby in a sling.
If you’re resenting him so much now, having tried talking , why waste more time? Sounds as though he regrets marriage and baby. Might as well jump before you’re pushed.

I think that is a fair point but I know I can put him in the next to me, or his own bedroom cot safely if needed. He also does really well in a stretchy sling if I need two arms free. It has just been days when he is extra fussy I have found it hard to settle him so I am more inclined to snack instead of have a full meal,
It is just the fact I feel like I am now being taking the piss out of more and more (him putting the baby in earlier and skulking out the room, the complete incompetence with bath and dressing). Another example this morning was me asking if he had changed the milton water, he said he did not know where the milton tablets were. Its things like this constantly, every single hour or every single day he is here. So I just end up doing it all. I have had to stop my dad from phoning him several times to give him an ear full. My dad asked me to speak to a solicitor 3-4 weeks post natally to start to get the ball rolling regarding my rights etc as he felt it was so bad!

At 13 weeks it is completely against sleep safe guidance to leave the room where baby is sleeping. She was being a responsible parent and following lullaby trust guidelines by not going downstairs for dinner, not being “dramatic”.

Nah, I just wouldn't be having that, Op. He's not an imbecile. Type things out, laminate them and stick them to walls in your house if needs be. I wouldn't tolerate this crap from an 8 year-old in my classroom!
It's always harder to teach than do it yourself but it pays dividends if you take the time.
Don't let him slip into that grey area of good intentions, but incompetency. "I would but I can't". Absolute nonsense.

OP you need to have a proper sit down conversation here.
You need to tell him plain and simple that he needs to step up and he needs to do it sharpish.
Stop silently putting up with crap like this. Be clear and definitive about what you are expecting from him. This cannot continue like this.

What a selfish cunt!

I’m so sorry OP. You and your baby deserve so much better 😞

I honestly don’t even know what to suggest apart from sitting him down and telling him if things don’t change then you’ll be filing for divorce.

I think he is happy to be a dad for the pictures and good bits, but the actually parenting, stress and work has been left to me

He is enjoying putting on a show of being a husband and father based on all your efforts. Don’t let him anymore.

Even the evening was yet another example of him having a wife and baby in the background, whilst him doing none of the work.

Oh yes this absolutely, your husband has red flags all over him, no doubt about this… It’s just that so many people already mentioned this before and it’s such an obvious issue, I wanted to counter someone calling you a martyr for not eating, I was a martyr with a husband who was doing lots to help so it’s not always so easy

Your dad had the right idea. You should definitely speak to a solicitor and make plans to separate. Your partner is absolutely useless and very selfish.

OP, could he be gay?
I'm so sorry, but it is not normal to set up a pretty table for a man and not so much as bring a bowl of food for the mother of your child.

Yet another MN low.
I have never heard of it.

Could you be his beard?
Because I think you might be.

Pack more than you need.
Bring important paperwork.
Go to your family.

Only talk to him by text.
Put it all down what he did with his buddy....his pretty table and meal while his lactating wife starved.

Loser.

Paperwork is the most important thing to bring, deeds, accounts, salary slips, passports, birth certificates.

Bring it all, as if you won't be back for ages.
Tell him he can move his boyfriend in.

who calls a BABY attractive??? that is DISGUSTING and i can't belive more people arent focussing on that!!! please keep this weird man well away from your baby or at least do not allow him to have any unsupervised one on one time with the baby. poor lil kid