AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Reading your replies makes me feel desperately sad for both of you,
He sounds like he is only deriving superficial joy from having a child and is clueless. You sound so disappointed in him and I think you have the Ick,

Sounds like there is an awful lot to turn around, sorry,

Well at the very least she should review the relationship. It’s not good is it ?

Sorry but at that point I would be wondering if he’s gay.

God hon, you might as well be divorced as you're practically living as a single parent now. You keep asking him to step up. He's ignoring you.

I'm so sorry but it sounds like it's a done deal. I wish you all the best for the future. Without this feckless wonder.

YABU for going off sulking and basically giving the 'guess what's wrong' silent treatment.

You'd have been better to bring the baby downstairs, state clearly what you need - please would you make up a plate for me while I look after the baby - eaten the food you need to keep your strength up for the business of baby care, and when the friend had gone and the baby was asleep had a calm quiet word with him telling him that you actually need his help and support at this time of the evening to parent.

He's a useless fuck. Get rid.

@Dandeliontea123 "I think some posters are being harsh OP. Yes he did the work when his friend came over because he likes benefiting from his friend’s lifestyle. But he leaves you to do absolutely everything else!"

Agreed. No idea why he's being congratulated for cooking a meal for his mate and then drinking beer all evening. It was in his sole interests wasn't it!

I'd rather be a single parent in your shoes. Sorry he's such a useless POS OP

Have you family to help?

He's a complete loser.
Tell EVERYONE the truth and ask for help.
Can he go and stay with his mummy?

What a complete loser.
You need to start telling everyone you need support as he does nothing, bar take a few photos.

Waster.

Your expectations of men must be very low. Taking care of your baby is an important part of bonding with said baby.

If he had ‘done the work’ then the op would have either had food brought to her or left for her as there is more than one person in the household.

So you need to decide what you're going to do as he clearly isn't going to change. I think you've put enough effort into trying to make this work, unfortunately it might now be time to put him in the bin and focus on you and your baby x

He sounds insufferable and I would prefer to be a single parent than stay married to a man like him.

I am so angry on your behalf, OP, and I think it’s unforgiveable of another poster to say ‘nobody likes a martyr’ to the mother of a fussy 13 week old baby who is being ignored by her husband.

Well he’s a big old waste of air.
I would honestly rather be a single parent. It would be less lonely.

OP I'm intrigued. What is his specific profession that means he thinks he isn't able to take an active parenting role?!

YANBU to be mad at him as he sounds selfish, inconsiderate and honestly a bit weird about needing the baby to be dressed up for his friend. The simple fact is that babies are hard work and him entertaining his friend when the baby is still so tiny is not a priority. I personally would not care if the baby crying disturbed his socialising and given you had not eaten I would have gone downstairs and made dinner and given the baby to your DH to look after.

Also what is all this nonsense about him never taking his turn at night. I assume you bf which is why you do all the night feeds and everything else it seems. What sort of profession does he have to be him that precludes him doing any parenting? I think telling him he has to pull his weight more is a necessity or he will get worse.

I honestly don’t know how you have been putting up with this! Some big things would have to change extremely fast for me to think about staying.

So I would wait until the baby is at least a year old to reasses your relationship. Having a baby is a huge adjustment for both of you. The 8-12 thing seems reasonable but he should certainly be feeding you.

As a 68 yr old man I can agree no man ever wanted to see somebody else's baby!

Well, that and the fact that that he hasn’t made dinner once for the OP in the 13 weeks after she gave birth!

Gently op. I think you are reading way more Into this. Post baby hormones are horrible. I see he has is friend over who wanted to see the baby , wanted a pic with baby. Husband made the food and entertained while Yoh out baby to bed. Expecting you to join them. You stayed upstairs with the baby. Yes he should have left some for you for when you came down. Did he leave you some ? I wouldn't have expected him to bring it up to me.

If you can manage financially, I would too.

i could never forgive my husband for opting out of his responsibilities as a father to a child he willingly brought into the world.

Babies can be boring. And stressful. But guess what.. tough shit.

He’s and absolute disgrace and I’d leave him.

My ex-husband, who was shit in many other ways, was actually great when our three children were babies. I breast fed them all but he would change the nappy and help get them back to sleep. I had severe PND with my youngest child and he would go downstairs with the baby so I could go back to sleep. It's very lonely being awake at night with a crying baby if the baby's father thinks that getting a baby back to sleep doesn't have anything to do with him.

There’s a lot of ‘I’ve asked him…’ in here.
Stop asking. Start telling.
You are doing bath time. You are cooking dinner for us while I get the baby down. Etc etc.

Agree with this, I don’t understand why you couldn’t have eaten with them, even if you then chose to go upstairs afterwards. If he’s being lazy/ not helping with the baby in general that’s a different issue.