AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

2 card time - Counselling or divorce

I’m sorry - he hasn’t cooked for you once in thirteen weeks (esp after a c section) and didn’t save you anything last night.
(I’m unsure why you couldn’t have popped baby in a sling and made yourself something earlier rather than not eat for 24 hours but that’s really not the point here).

He does no parenting, shows no care or respect for you and even your parents have had to try and help him parent? Honestly I’d just cut your losses and leave him now, before the resentment ruins the first years of your baby’s life.

I’m so sad for you OP. The fact you had to put bedsheets on after a c section (major surgery) is just shocking. He has let you and your baby down massively. For me it would be unforgivable. It’s not what marriage should be like. If I were in yours shoes I’d be wondering things like what would he be like if I ever got seriously ill.

Well this morning he attempted to bath him - comes through and says thats the bath ready its 32 degrees, so I ended up taking over showing him what to do. I have told him a million times, have a thermometre with a light on (blue for cold) (red for warm) for the water - so no baths. Bottle I have tried to teach him, my parents too - similar level of incompentence. So on days off - maybe one bottle a day? If that, he has only just started helping with washing the bottles too. That is painful as well, my mum said she had to bige her tounge watching them build up in the sink whilst he sat and played on his phone and I was caring for baby all day

This. It's SO much easier once you get rid of a useless man like this.

You could be onto something

Yes it sounds like a weird dynamic. It sounds more like a lodger set up than a family set up. It doesn't sound like he is participating in family life at all, just living a separate life from you and your baby in the same home.

Can you move in with your parents?

The friend coming over and him not plating up dinner for you is neither here nor there.

But everything else are huge issues and I don’t know why you’re putting up with such disrespect.

Its been very lonely

Really? Have you had any other clues?

Nope he didnt leave me any food - he was definately feeling guilty in the morning which is why he came through to ask me if he wanted me to bath him and change him. He made up a cold bath and had 12 month clothes out. Its fucking hopeless. So I had to take over, show him how to get the bath to the correct temp, ending up bathing him anyway and getting him the correct size of clothes. So it was pointless. I have showed him several times how to make up the bath.

So much wrong with this post. You're either rage-baiting or your bar is on the floor.

When you're on maternity, you're working hours are the childcare while your partner is at work. You're not a mug that suddenly works 24/7 for free, while your partner 1) won't bathe his baby 2) won't feed a bottle fed baby 3) won't soothe a baby 4) won't do any night wakings 5) won't put a car seat in his car 6) won't take his baby out 7) secretly passes the baby back to you during the times you have earmarked for sleep.

When the dad clocks off from work, he clocks in to being a parent – every day – and that includes undertaking all the seven tasks above. No excuses.

A woman's choice in maternity leave, especially when the baby is 13 weeks old, isn't either go back to work or have a shit partner.

And she is not co-sleeping or exclusively breast feeding, so do everyone a favour and at least read OP's posts properly.

Wasnt sulking - was feeding and settling my baby at witching hour so that he would be smiling and calm to see his friend

Weaponary incompetence. I made my Dh take notes on his phone when instructing him. I treated him like a child in my class as that was what he was amounting to. If he asked a question, I'd refer him to his notes. There was no way I was dealing with two infants in the house. It worked out well, I have to say.

12 month clothes for a 13 week old baby?! Is he a bit thick OP?

It feels like having two children - and it is EXHAUSTING after over three months now (and it seems to be getting worse) having to continually teach him things. I am like well I had to learn? We both started at the same stage and you opted out so its your fault you do not know how to do it. I have books that I had read that are sitting in the living room, I have asked him to read them (he hasnt), I listen to parenting podcasts and youtubes for tips and suggest he does the same (he hasnt), I even got and paid for the huckleberry app on his phone so he can get an idea how many feeds he has had, when he was last fed and if he could be due a nap. He still asks me ‘is he hungry’ as he just doesnt bother. Then he fucks off all weekend to various activities for hours at a time - one saturday he was gone from 8-12 (buying a car) and 1-7 (out with friends) its fucking endless

Nope, on paper quite the opposite

So weaponised incompetence then ?

I had booked a weekend away at the end of May - we had to go away for one weekend earlier for a close family members wedding (6 weeks post section) i drove the three hours there and back as he was tired, packed the car and got everything organised. I was utterly exhausted, in the mornings whilst he lay in bed I was up sterilising the bottles and making sure he was organised. I was so traumatised by the whole thing that I said if he wanted to go away for the next one he would have to consider helping pack and drive one way - he turned around after a couple of days and said ‘he couldnt be bothered’ so we cancelled the trip.

my family live three hours away and I am considering taking a weekend trip to see them myself, just the two of us. I actually would be triggered at the thought of going away for the weekend again with him

Having a degree and a Big Important Job doesn't mean someone is intelligent. If he can't do very basic things such as take care of his own child, I think he is quite thick.
It is beyond me why men like this expect women to find them attractive, it's just such a turn-off to watch a highly incompetent 'man' not be able to manage basic tasks.

My friend told me about this several weeks ago and I read about it - i think its whats going on

I would consider a trip a lot longer than a weekend.

Yep. Whatever you ask him to do he does it so badly that you won’t ask him again. Straight out of the lazy bastard playbook.

It’s sounds like you were being quite performative and he was maybe pissed off and left you to it (as would I if this were the case) but hard to say without the full back story.

instead of being a martyr, communicate your needs to him and if he doesn’t step up then reevaluate.

Exactly this. So he runs a business but can't understand that 12 month clothes do not fit on a 3 month old baby!?! Would he genuinely have put a baby in a scalding bath!?

Neglect territory. Get your ducks in a row, life seems simpler without him!