AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Your bar for useless men is on the floor. And your post is the definition of misogyny. You clearly don’t recognise weaponised incompetence, or are prepared to give a free pass for it.

What does he do OP? You mentioned something about him saying given his profession this is what to expect.

In any case, unless he is a professional degenerate, there’s no career that should lead to this. It also sounds like he’s aware of what he’s doing and enjoys humiliating you. I really hope that you find the strength to leave him ❤️

I think this quote from Marilyn Frye is a better explanation of this aspect of male culture:

“To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.

Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.”

He doesn't like you.

It sounds like he wants to be seen as a 'family man' to outsiders but has zero interest in actually being one.

I'm sorry. But I'd still get rid of him.

The baby should fit in with you, not the other way around. You have made a mountain out of a molehill. I imagine you were sat on the bed next to the sleeping baby and working yourself up , getting angry. You had a baby, the world isn't going to stop for you. You have made this situation bigger than it need be...

Can you read the OPs updates please.

Get rid, better off on your own

He's a dud. He is probably (closet) gay, as another pp has already mentioned.

It's not going to get better.
Can you go back to your parents with your DC?
You need to start your life again without this utter waste of space.
I know it's hard.You will be much happier without him. What good is he?

As someone who has spent years being disappointed by men I’ve come to realise unless you spell it out for them some guys just don’t get it. Try telling him what you want and need. If he still can’t do it …bye bye

Well none - I think I just need fo write it down and read it back and I can see how awful it is. Its essentially just me and my Son anyway at the moment - I do all the parenting - its easier when he is not here as I can just get on with things, luckily he is a great sleeper and feeds well. I do not understand it as I feel its my hisbands loss - he smiles and coos and babbles away when I take him myself for day trips when he is away golfing etc.

Do your son a favour. Get out and raise him properly, not to grow up imitating this useless douche bag. If not for yourself, then for this small boy,, who will be an adult man in a truly astonishingly short time.

Listen to how you feel. You created life, you allowed this man to further his genetics using your health, love and time, and he can't even pass you a plate of food?! Get angry. Get productive. Get a better life for you and your child.

It's not about being a martyr, it's about living without basic respect for so long that you've become unsure about whether it's really happening. We are here to remind you of your worth.

I'm sorry witching hour is kicking you in the teeth. I'd say if it happens again, stay with them, and see how much they enjoy their dinner while sharing a room with a baby screaming itself purple.

I’m sorry … some just can not cope with babies. My son in law couldn’t.

He was quite traumatised by having a tiny baby around and told me weeks after the birth that he would never have another child and he didn’t.
But as my grandson grew older into a toddler he became such a good dad.

This!
You honestly sound like you sat upstairs waiting to be shown some attention - which you didn't get. Your husband probably should have called you/popped up to see if you were ok, but he didn't. You sat up there playing the princess for no reason whatsoever. Sounds like there's more than one baby in the house. Sorry.

This!

Should have read the whole thread before posting! He's a waste of space, if what all you've posted is true, op, I'd be making plans to leave and I genuinely don't say that lightly. And tell his mother to do one too!

I sat in the next room settling a screaming baby - who usually becomes unsettled at that time of day (my husband would know this if he was not ‘working’ all the time) and then fed him - all in all in took 1-2 hours, I then stepped out to allow his friend to have a cuddle and let daddy play disney dad for his half an hour of fame - all whilst they ate and drank beers in the next room. I was not sulking, just taking care of my Son.

and for the record my husband does not show me any attention as a baseline so there would be no point trying to manipulate it out of him by sulking 🤣

If you had just taken the baby downstairs and had a drink or some food with them none of this would have blown up. I wonder if you sat upstairs seething about your husband and his friend, the baby may have picked up on your stress and then was even harder to settle?
I mean this kindly but maybe try to relax more. Hopefully as the baby grows, your husband’s confidence with him will grow too.
Are you both quite young?

A bit harsh…I love the way mumsnetters love yo kick someone and. They’re down. You could have just said perhaps you need to ask for what you want.

OP, your husband does not show you any attention and you have stopped expecting it? That is really sad. You should not have to put up with this.

Please get out of this relationship.

Love. You know this isn’t right. It won’t get any better, at least not without you pulling or pushing him into line. He won’t be the father your son deserves. He’s already not the father your son deserves.

Your dad is on the money. Leave and take some space. If it’s easier without him, then that’s your answer.

Don’t try and salvage anything when you’re the only one doing the work.