AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

When my DS was this age I was doing most of the settling as I was breastfeeding so not much choice. My husband worked nights so was unable to help at night although again, limited to what he could do. He also slept in the spare room which kept the main bedroom free for naps. My DS co-slept with me. What my H did do was bath time before going to work and then he would take baby for an hour when he got in (in the morning) so I could have a bit more sleep. Please don't be a martyr. The decorating would have waited if your DH didn't do it there and then. Your baby is small and will be in with you for a while yet. My son didn't have his own room until his was turned 1.

Are you saying you have only been out in your car or that you haven't been out in the car because of no car seat in his car? This is bizarre if it is the second. You need to communicate what you need from your DH. If he refuses then I would question the relationship. If you are doing everything, you won't be any worse off as a single mum. That said, single mums manage to eat so I am not sure why you hadn't eaten in 24 hours. It is important you look after yourself. You can however, stop doing stuff for him if that helps. Just going to work should not be his whole contribution. When you are both there, you are both parents and he needs to be parenting or supporting you while you do it (ie by making food).

Okay he sounds lazy and coddled by his mother. But why are you again lying in the dark at 10pm angry/resentful, clearly waiting for him to come in so you can check the time! Just say "actually, it's not 12, I need to rest until then, keep the baby in the spare room or with you downstairs"

You aren't communicating and he is assuming and beig cheeky thinking that as you aren't telling him its OK to take the piss. Obviously a great partner wouldn't do this. But if you have to tell him off for taking the piss and he listens then do it to survive the baby stage. Then take stock and make big decisions on seperation once you aren't as sleep deprived. Imo

Better to row it out than seethe silently and resent. Otherwise you'll take on more and more and never have it out properly.

Sorry OP, but I’m not sure why you hid out in baby’s room.
Why didn’t you come out and help yourself to the dinner? Or tell him to bring you in a plate if you needed to stay with the baby.
He really needs to up his game though.

I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

This is very odd behaviour from you OP. Why didn't you just sit downstairs with the others and get DH to hold the baby whilst you eat?

Yes, this is quite repulsive. Have you told him as much? What was his response?

Honestly, now is not the time to martyr yourself and watch what he does. I know putting a rocket up his arse right now feels like one more thing on your list of things to do, and he should do it without being told, but it sounds like you're on completely different planets with different agendas about how this should look.

If you do want a chance at keeping this relationship on the road, then you are going to need to communicate your needs clearly and extensively, and give it to him straight. He's not going to come to the right conclusion on his own. Not going to happen.

OP, this does not sound like a relationship as I understand it. Why are you and DH not doing things together? Did you know his friend was coming? In our house we would have passed the baby around while everyone ate together. Babies do really well in busy houses.

We didn't sleep separately or do much separately at all, other than DH going to work. Sitting in your bedroom eating snacks rather than a meal doesn't sound ideal and does sound like you were trying to make a point of some sort, to your own detriment. You are raising a child here so would benefit from behaving like adults yourselves. You might manage that better separately, I suppose, but I think trying to score points about who is being the most unreasonable is not serving you very well. Might it be worth you and DH having a calm and kind conversation about your expectations of parenthood before you decide you are incompatible?

Why didn’t you just take the baby downstairs and eat with them? You don’t have to be upstairs shut away…

Having read all your posts, I highly doubt he is going to change so I would absolutely leave him. Do you have any support to do this?

He is a dick. He should have plated you up some dinner and brought it to you whilst offering to hold the baby. I understand it can be tricky at night when breastfeeding, but he should be helping out WAY more.

My DH held our baby until 1am so I could get a chunk of sleep (Refused the next to me/cot). I would then take over night wake ups so that he could sleep for work. He did most of the cooking and even chopped up my food so I could eat one handed whilst holding baby if necessary!

Tell him to step up or step out.

The “only thing”? Really? How about deciding that hosting a friend when you have a newborn, and expecting your partner will just take care of the baby? How about going the extra mile for the friend when he never does it for OP?

Why didn't you just say, 'I'll be back to eat shortly'? I'm sorry but I really don't get any of this. Maybe my kids were easier but I didn't disappear for hours in the evening trying to settle them. They were downstairs until quite late, either in the pram or with one if us holding them if they were cranky. Life didn't stop because we had a baby.

This in an of itself seems like a very odd story - hiding in a bedroom hungry for hours. But it obviously is just part of a bigger picture.

What do you need to put in steps to leave him? He's obviously not interested in being a parent and you can't live in this situation forever. Do you have family you can stay with? Do you own the house? Time to start taking the practical steps to disengage.

Obviously if he doesn’t cook for her for the first thirteen weeks he is doing something wrong.

Invite one of your Friends round for an evening.Tell husband he can have the baby all evening and to have the baby at night. Fairs fair

This, a million times over.

Sounds like there is so much going on here already that this was the final straw. No I don’t think this was acceptable at all, my partner would’ve taken the baby (entertaining or otherwise) and given me a break so I could do and eat in peace. He also alternated nights with both of our children from the day they were born so I was never sleep deprived and was always able to have a good nights sleep every other night. The lack of thought and awareness is ridiculous

OP what was DH like before you got pregnant? Did he do housework? Did he look after you (cook dinner, plate you up)?

The problem isn't his friend. The issue is that the treatment he gave to his friend highlighted how poorly he treats you and his son.

You've probably previously written him off as incapable or whatever and have just suddenly realised, it isn't that he cannot do it, it's that he doesn't want to do it for you.

I think you are slightly over reacting tbh. Couldnt you have gone to the kitchen to get your own? Do you breastfeed? Its very hard to be a mother and it never ends up equal.

Your DH sounds useless tbh. Do not martyr yourself over this. If he’s as inconsiderate as he sounds, he won’t care/won’t notice that you haven’t eaten, and so you’re just punishing yourself. There’s no good reason why you left him & his friend to eat on their own and stayed upstairs. It’s your house! Go into the lounge, grumpy baby and all. Pass baby around so that you get chance to eat.
If your DH grumbles, then you’ve got much bigger problems with your relationship overall.

His mum can FTFO.

Time to read the riot act. Did he want the baby? Because he's not acting as though he did.

He sounds absolutely useless but the whole set up is weird. Why did you not eat for 24 hours? Why keep hiding and seething in rooms? How did you get the baby home from the hospital if neither of you could put a car seat in? Etc etc
in the scenario you detailed I would have joined in the meal/drinks with friend and with baby, probably only taking myself out for feeding the baby. If baby was fussing, me and her father would have just taken turns holding and eating one handed.

Was he this shit of a partner before you got pregnant? People don’t generally turn this selfish over night. Were you the one doing all of the cooking and cleaning before pregnancy?

Stop cooking for him. I would be going on strike.

Not sure I see 13 weeks as newborn, but I don’t understand why op shut herself away with the baby! Surely he didn’t cry for hours! What about saying to DH “don’t forget to save me a plate”! I always managed to eat when my DC were this age and DH didn’t cook. We muddled along and visitors took as as they found us. I certainly didn’t disappear into a bedroom and not come out.

I would just go in the kitchen/dining room and take what I wanted-it's my food that I paid for as well as my husband! Unless I didn't like the friend, in which case I would collect the food and take it upstairs.