AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Im starting to think he didnt in all honesty - well I think he liked the idea but did not have any concept of the practicalities and complexities involved. For example I heard him make a remark to his colleagues that I am sure they found very awkard when they were congratulating him with his new son on a teams call ‘he is happy his baby is so attractive as he is unsure he would like him so much’. Which I found nauseating. I think he is happy to be a dad for the pictures and good bits, but the actually parenting, stress and work has been left to me

This is offensive behaviour for a husband for sure.
I’ve heard it said that women always remember how they were treated when they were vulnerable in pregnancy and postpartum. It is when husbands tend to show their true colours. This guy sounds like a selfish dick.
I would have marched down with my baby on my boob and announced loudly that I need a meal too, and am more in need of it than two lazy men. And proceeded to eat whatever was there. Crying baby or not. Maybe friend would’ve taken the hint to piss off.
so you’re already doing all night time parenting and husband getting a great nights sleep, so presumably he’s available to support you in the daytime when not at work ?

Ugh, another Disney Dad keen to be a proud father in front of his friends, but doesn’t actually give a shit about his wife and child.
Why are so many people laying into OP? It sounds like she has spoken to him countless times about his behaviour, and this is the final straw. It does sound like she was martyring herself last night, but the real issue is her husband’s lack of consideration towards her.
Sorry OP, he is unlikely to change. Get your ducks in a row.

Dear Lord. He sounds repugnant, you poor love. Single parenthood can be liberating.

Yes this is how if feels! The whole bullshit infront of his mother and friends and talking like he knows what he is doing - when actually it has been me who has researched and bought all his things! Its is embarressing to watch

If my husband had behaved in this way (which he wouldn't in a million years), I'd have given him a verbal rocket up his ass! There's no way on planet earth, I'd be putting up with this at all.

Equally why did you stay upstairs hungry??? Why didn't you go downstairs and eat with your husband and his friend? Didn't he make enough food for the 3 of you?

You need to tell your husband straight, that he needs to help. The baby is not just your responsibility but his as well, so he needs to step up. No, you shouldn't have to point out the obvious to your husband but as he's bloody useless, you're going to have too.

If you don't find your voice and stand up for yourself, then the resentment will only grow and fester. If your husband doesn't want to change his ways, then you need to end the marriage.

OP, has he changed completely since the baby arrived? Or were there always signs that he was a useless, uncaring twat?

I do not think I have made it clear in my post - I did not purposely sit upstairs. The friend came over at the height of being fussy, I was doing everything I could to make the baby calm so that he could cuddle him and get pictures as his dad could not do it. Then he wanted fed, he is being very fussy at the moment so went to the spare bedroom, he then had a little nap for 15/20 minutes - by the time his friend was ready to go the whole process had taken up the whole evening, so I took myself and the baby back out the room to say bye to the friend and there was no food left for me. I did not purposely go on hunger strike or sit in a bedroom for hours 🤣 it was a matter of practicality and timing for the evening and the assumption that I would cover his childcare whilst he had a great time hosting a friend.

Change started immediately following delivery. I asked him to stay in hospital with me and he said he couldnt as he was busy making the house tidy for us coming home and working. He then said it was my fault for marrying and having a baby with someone who is in his specific profession - ‘what dud you expect’. Then when I came home from hospital the house was not tidy with not even duvet covers on the bed and he had not even taken the car seat out the polythene cover when he arrived to the hospital to collect us. I had to out the duvet cover myself on the bed following a c-section.

@AquaCrab1703 I'm old, I have dgc.
My dh used to settle our babies after I'd fed them so I could go straight back to sleep, he wouldn't have dreamed of not getting me a plate of food.

I hate to say but you're married to a man-child.
Tell him he has a month to up his game or he can go live with his mother.

Is the home rented or owned. If rented contact landlord and end tenancy and move back with your parents if possible. Otherwise find another place to live without deadbeat.

I would have fed baby and sat down to dinner. No reason to leave the room to feed the baby, can sit in a bouncy chair (do we still have those?) while you ate or you could have fed him at the table. Put on a shawl if you thought you would be uncomfortable but you should not be. If you are breastfeeding one of the main reasons is that you can feed in any situation anywhere (railway stations, waiting rooms, trains, planes, cars, shopping centres, gardens etc). Why did you stay shut away when the baby was asleep? Why did you not come down and ask DH for your dinner if you really wanted to feed etc on your own, and sit down with a drink while he got it?
No-one likes a martyr. Your DH's friend sounds like a twit btw.

That's mean.
Op is a new mum, she's still finding her way.
And her dh should cherish her for the amazing job she's doing.

Gently, you are an adult, you knew he was making dinner and there was nothing stopping you from walking downstairs and getting some food.

There is also nothing stopping you from handing the baby over, whilst you make yourself something.

You cannot blame him for you not eating and it’s shocking that you’re suggesting you went hungry because he didn’t drag you out of your bedroom to eat in front of guests

If my DP went to their room, I would assume they would want to be left alone and there’s no way I would have made them feel uncomfortable by trying to persuade them to eat with us.

However, I think it’s shocking that he’s not cooked for you since the baby was born!!

What was he doing in his paternity leave?

Why can’t he cook on weekends?

@ZenNudist "I think YABU. It'd fine to have friends for dinner, he probably wanted to meet the baby."

Seriously? Never in my entire life (and I'm nearly 70) have I met any man that could hardly wait to meet a baby, especially someone else's. He was looking forward to a beer drinking session with his mate, not an evening of crying, nappies and feeds.

Excatly

Surprised at these answers, he is allowed friends over and didn’t ask you to cook, and you could easily have left the baby to go and get some food or even texted and said bring me a plate.

marriage and children is about meeting each others needs not dictating both of you need to be available for the child to the extent you can’t even see friends.

Are you actually talking to him about what he needs to do?, I mean I wouldn't have left the room at all. I would have stayed in the living/dining room, whatever, fed the baby at the table, handed him to my DH if I needed 2 hands to feed with a bright and breezy ' your turn now'. I mean I was use to babies before we had them. I knew what to do. DH wasn't, so I quite clearly said what I expected. Most people know that babies cry, need feeding, nappy changing. It's not rocket science and I don't suppose his friend expected anything else. Maybe the friend would have held baby too while you ate.
I just find all of this, odd.

But so what? Why is he not allowed this, what a miserable life you will both have if this is not allowed.

Yes as I said above - I have asked him many times and had read the riot act to him several times, told him I am exhausted etc. Asked him to take him overnight

His mum sounds like a dickhead as well, telling him to sleep in the spare room to be 'fresh for work'.

whilst he sat on the sofa reading I was running around during his nap time putting wall paper up - despite asking him to help.
What exactly happens when you ask him to do things and he doesn't?

I mean, it doesn't really matter. Basically he's acting like a selfish cunt. He needs a serious kick up the arse.

Absolutely this. I think you deliberately set this situation up and are now going to moan about it.

Originally, I thought you sounded like a martyr, heading off to another room and allowing this friend date to occur.
After reading your follow-up msgs, I reckon you're married to an absolute arse. There's only two ways to deal with this sort of inconsiderate lump.

1. You leave.
2. You don't leave rooms to care for your child. You plonk child in his arms whether he has friends there or not and you go mental when he tries to skirt his responsibilities.

My dh would have been terrified to even dream of hosting a friend at ours in the early days. He knew instinctively, it wouldn't be worth the grief. I'm not sure, tbh, how much of what he did/does is out of fear or soundness but it works for us!

OP but why did you stay away from about 5pm? This is what I don't get about this specific occasion. What are you doing for 4 hours, I just don't get it. It just comes across as quite passive /aggressive. Sitting by yourself, not eating a meal and not doing anything about it. What do you want him to do overnight? Is he to give the baby a bottle, or bring him to you? I think you are both a bit lame to be honest. He's doing nothing which suits him and you are keeping yourself to yourself. How can it change?