AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

What a shallow, superficial twat he is.

Personally, I'd cut your losses now and tell him to get to fuck.

You might as well be single without having the burden of having him in the home doing fuck all while you do everything.

Seriously. Get legal advice and get rid of him.

Find it a bit over the top, laying the table and cooking for a mate. Did he use the family silver too? All this should've been discussed and planned properly, by him. I know life doesn't, and shouldn't, stop when you have a baby but the goal posts change considerably and he should've factored in exactly how the evening was going to impact/involve you.

This man is a useless twit, I think you should exit the relationship. But be strategic, dont give him any warning. Act normal, dont waste energy trying to get him to change. In the background get everything arranged in your favour.

You both have a 13 week old baby. You each are a parent to that child. You are both equally responsible for the baby. I'm guessing you're probably on maternity leave and breastfeeding, so it makes sense that there are certain things that always fall to you (like breastfeeding) and that you also do more of the childcare and maybe more around the house right now because you have more time away from other obligations like work, school, extended family. BUT your husband should at the very least be doing half of the childcare when he's not occupied with other existing obligations. You should each have roughly equal free time. When he takes his paternity leave, then the reverse will apply.

If he wanted time alone with his friend, I think it would have made much more sense for them to go out together or go to the friend's place. If you're all friends and were all supposed to be having dinner together, that's what should have happened - everyone pitching in with the baby, and no drinking. But you've said it yourself: you've told him many times that he's not pulling his weight and he's dumping his parenting responsibilities on you. It sounds like he doesn't listen and nothing changes. What about this state of affairs makes you think that YOU are being unreasonable rather than that, just for example, he's a lazy, selfish oaf taking advantage of you?

It was all a bit over the top really - he kept asking the whole day if the baby could wear the outfit this friend gave him over and over, I was like bath and change him then. Oh you dont do that. The friend had also got him a toy which he was obsessed with having out to show him he played with it. I stems from him
going on holiday with this friend and staying at his house abroad - I think he wants to keep in with him massively

Is he a doctor OP? Just wondering, as I have friends married to useless men like this, and they are doctors. If yes, it won't get better.
My friends are the functioning adults in their relationships.
Strangely, the female doctors I know seem to be able to juggle and "wear many hats".

Ask him to move out for a couple of weeks. If you manage fine and don't feel it makes your life any harder then it's probably better to keep that a long term arrangement. Anyone who goes to those lengths for a friend but can't even think to plate up some food for his wife whilst she looks after the baby isn't stupid or thoughtless they just genuinely do not care about you.

Personally I would have taken crying baby in and asked where my dinner was.

again I don’t see the issue, he’s allowed friends over and he did the work.

I also assume your on maternity and he’s working, so that’s why much falls to you right now, you can go back to work and split it equally if you feel better about it. But generally the person at home does the majority especially if co sleeping or breastfeeding.

its concerning that it’s only 13 weeks. Yoire considering divorce, pissed he’d a mate over, and have already read him the riot act multiple times, so a chaotic household for an infant.

if it doesn’t work, go back to work, stop co sleeping, stop breastfeeding. you don’t need to take a year off. It is better for your child not to have an exhausted mother, and a resentful one where even friends are a war zone and repeated arguments at home,

Classic, we see it all the time. Men changing their behaviour once they've got a woman well and truly trapped and when she's at her most vulnerable. I am so sorry OP.

Get rid of him OP. He's adding nothing to your life. His behaviour post-delivery has been appalling.

there is no warzone or arguments as I have given up asking him to do things following multiple conversations - that is why I am considering divorce

Might be your best option. You're doing everything anyway.

How often has he bathed the baby, changed his nappy or put him to bed?

I think some posters are being harsh OP. Yes he did the work when his friend came over because he likes benefiting from his friend’s lifestyle. But he leaves you to do absolutely everything else! If it was me I would prioritise looking after myself and the baby over doing anything extra for him. So no baby changing just to impress his friend. Either he changes his own baby or the baby stays in the same clothes.

I would have said ‘hey Jack I’ll be busy with the baby but nice to see you. Mike can you bring a plate into the bedroom? Thanks’.
But me and DH would have had a conversation before along the lines of :
’Monday, Jack is around and I’d love to have him over, is it ok he comes over Thursday at 5?’
You: ‘ Well You know that’s exactly the time I’m dealing with the baby and that’s awfully early for dinner - can you push it to 7.30 so I can join you?’
Him, either ‘Oh yes of course I ask him the later.’
or
’He can only make 5, but I’ll be sure to make up a nice dinner for you and if you need me at all I can come help.’
But it’s happened and with your updates it sounds like he is just not going to help ever. If you want to continue in this relationship sit him down when baby is napping. Lay it on the table. Say a grown person can figure out that his partner needs feeding. A grown person knows to do XYZ. You are as new to parenting as he is. And if things don’t change right away then you are going to reevaluate the whole relationship. So, ‘Mike, starting now I expect you to (whatever). I’m not asking you to do anything that I wouldn’t do or haven’t done. We are both parents. You need to step up or you won’t have a wife and child at all because you will be moving out.’

What a truly horrible thing to say. OP has done everything for the baby since he was born. He never gets up in the night because his mother has told him to sleep in the spare room and he sleeps with ear plugs in. Imagine if OP put ear plugs in so no-one fed or settled the baby druing the night. It's unthinkable that OP would do that but her dickhead of a husband thinks it's OK.

I assume he never gets up in tne night as he’s working and she’s not and she co sleeps. As a more realistic reason.

I don't blame you. He is distressingly useless. You are already doing everything for the baby and watching him failing to help or support you must make you feel both angry and sad.

There seem to be an influx of posters who love nothing better than scolding a newly post-partum mum and taking the side of the pathetic husband.

He also does it at weekends. He just doesn't give a shit.

Which is exactly why I wouldn't have hidden away. If he wanted to impress his friend the chances are that he would have held the baby, so he came across as superdad.

Shocking ? Okay, if you say so.... should she ltb ?

I'm sorry I know I'm going to get flamed for this but what I read when I saw your initial story was that he doesn't want to share a bed with his woman, hasn't cooked a meal for his woman but will not only sort out a meal for his 'man friend' but will also lay a table out with cutlery and stress about him wearing clothes that his good 'friend' has bought. Are you sure your husband is not gay? I just don't know many men that would make such an effort with other guys! Yes, order a takeaway, yes, go away with them but there are a few things you've said that make me question this!

@thepariscrimefiles I never could get my DH to breastfeed at night. How should I have done this?

Some idiot suggested leaving the baby unchanged! Men often don’t get it but I enjoyed his earnings! We aren’t all the same.

Ahahahahahaha !! You think that’s the only thing he’s done wrong ?

Re sleeping, when I had newborns even after he returned to work, my DH would stay up with them until about 11/12 giving the last EBF. I would go to bed about 8/9 then not have to wake until 2ish.

My DC never slept (the toddler still doesnt.... ) so it was a godsend as I never felt too tired. We took turns for weekend lie-in's.

I think you have just realised your DH doesn't care about you.