AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

This is so calculated and chilling.

You need to ring 101 and ask for support.
This is coercive control.

So premeditated.

You need to wake up OP, fast.

Sounds like you and your child should leave you are particularly a single parent

You poor thing OP. Get to your parents house as soon as possible. Make a solicitor appointment for when you’re there. Get all the paperwork, passports etc and take them with you. If you want to speak to the HV or GP you should see them while he’s in work.
I feel so sorry for you putting up with this utter waste of space.

OP, I think you said in a previous post that your parents wanted to say something earlier to your husband about his not stepping up, but they bit their tongue. They will support you. Can you get to them asap while your husband is still out?

Ignore the posters who are making this all about themselves.

Please do this.

He is an arsehole. And even worse, he knows it and still doesn't care about changing his ways. Only how it makes him look to others.

Refusing to give you private space to be with other people is a MAJOR red flag.

Oh I know, horrendous. Thats why I am making plans to divorce him. I am trying to be an normal as possible and collect as much evidence as possible - I have started to write things down each day also as to what has happened / how long has he been in the house / any if at all parenting he has done to act as evidence

He does it when I am on the phone to parents too so we now have a code word for when he is around and they change the subject.

@AquaCrab1703 what would happen if you didn’t filter the conversation and were honest about how you feel etc and the support you have with health visitors etc?

Where are you planning on showing the evidence? How long are you planning on staying for?

Gosh the more you post the more I feel concerned about you. Can you ring your mum when he’s out and explain the situation and ask to come home? Remember to pack up important documents to take last minute and a suitcase.

Nah, not having it.
You refuse to use a voice then blame those around you for how life shapes up.

ANSWER THE SIMPLE QUESTION.

What are you saying/verbalising to him?

I have told him I feel like a single mother, I have asked him multiple times to help, I have told him multiple ways to help, I have written it down for him ways to help, I have explained basics such as how to feed, change and put a baby to sleep. I have explained that if this continues I will be leaving, I have explained I am looking for flats in the city as I feel so isolated and lonely as he is never here, I have asked him to help make me dinner - I have told him to make me dinner. I have asked him to take him for an hour or so, so I can get a rest, I have told him to take him out so I can get a rest. I have suggested things he can buy him to make him engaged, I have bought things specifically that utilises his own interests to help him engage more. I have cried whilst saying these things, I have been calm whilst saying these things, a couple of times I have been angry. My family have been over to help him and they have also shown him how to feed, change and look after the baby.

He went through my phone whilst I was sleeping and read my messages to my family which reiterated all the above, and still no change. I had to change my phone password.

So kindly, there has been nothing passive about it.

Then you need to leave. Nothing will ever change.

You've got a duffer OP, what's done is done. He will forever be the biggest disappointment of your life, but you might as well deal with him at arms length and save yourself being crushed by false hope and doing double the work trying to get him to parent with you.

Acceptance, move on.

What’s his response when you say these things?

He is extremely controlling—going through your phone in order to read textx eith your family is the reddest of red flags! Get out sooner rather than later.

Well you've done your utmost @AquaCrab1703 and now you need to leave. How can you do that?

This is coercive control.
You are an abused mother.
Womens aid and the police need to be your go to.
Tell your family the truth and get out of there.
It screams he's gay and you are his beard.
I'm so sorry.

He's an awful excuse for a man.