AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

It’s why most of them are on this forum in the first place. Making women feel worse about their situations is how they feel better about their own loser lives. Not to mention that many of them have been raised to have very low standards for men so they blame women who call it out because that’s how they’ve been conditioned, or because to confront their own relationships that mirror the ones being described as abusive, manipulative or unfair would bring their worlds crashing down.

I would take the baby to your parents for a few days. Then I would tell him you’re leaving unless there is a 180 degree change in his behaviour.

Do you have a job and do you have separate savings?

@AquaCrab1703

Your husband is a useless, selfish prick that you should probably kick out, but why did you hide in your own house & allow him & his friend to completely ignore you all evening/night?? And why didn’t you go & get some food once the baby was down??

I think some of this is on you.

You tell him you’re taking the baby upstairs to settle and that you’d like him to fetch you a plate up when dinner is ready. It’s not difficult.

There’s no point sitting upstairs silently seething and starving when you could just say what you need.

I’m no supporter of lazy men who do nothing but you do need to advocate for yourself in situations like this.

I think you need to leave him and, from the sounds of it, your family would be very happy to help you do so. He has utterly failed you as a husband and he is utterly failing his child as a father.

I know there are lots of posters on here telling you that you’re over reacting and that you should have just done this, or should have just done that, but please ignore them. The bar for acceptable behaviour is on the floor for some people. This very clearly isn’t a one off incident but a sustained pattern of behaviour. He’s not going to get any better. Get out now with your beautiful baby before he gets older and learns what a pathetic specimen his father is.

I’m only quoting you rather than anyone else who has said similar because your post was the closest to hand.

If you have to continually and consistently advocate for yourself and your child, there’s going to come a point where you ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life reminding your husband that babies can’t have cold baths, or that women who have just had a c section probably shouldn’t be putting a duvet cover on a couple of days later, or that they would probably like to eat at some point. This man has shown a complete lack of interest and care for the OP and their baby. She very clearly says that it’s not a one off, she’s tried teaching him, she’s tried asking him subtly and she’s tried asking him overtly. And he is worse than useless.

Exactly how long do you think she should continue accepting this treatment? How long would you accept that behaviour from your husband? At this point, advocating for herself would be packing up everything she owns, getting the best lawyer she can and leaving him to be pandered to by his mother.

Very well said.

You should never need to advocate for yourself with your spouse/partner.

They are meant to have your back.

A lot of people on this thread have sadly low expectations

Agreed!!👍🏻 ⬆️

I have high expections. But I’m also aware that my lovely other half is not a mind reader and I sometimes have to ask for things or for help, as does he with me.

Because we are grown ups, neither of us would sit upstairs starving. We would have asked for food to be brought up when it was ready.

Whats key is how we behave when we have been specifically asked for something.

In this particular situation she should have said I want food please.

If it’s a pattern of behaviour that demonstrates laziness then she has a decision to make.

She’s very clearly said in all of her posts that this is the latest in a pattern of general laziness, incompetence and lack of care. So how is it helpful to criticise her and offer advice based on a scenario where it’s just a one off bit of thoughtlessness? What is your post achieving, other than making her think that she’s just expecting too much from this pathetic excuse for a grown adult?

Perhaps if you’d actually read what she wrote, and digested it fully, your last sentence would have been enough.

I think your husband has given you the ick and now your actively looking for reasons you think are valid to leave him . Just get out and leave your obviously unhappy and when you use words like repulsive and nauseating when talking about your partner I can't see what's left to fight for.

It doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight (and his DM isn't helping there). So unfair to not give you dinner too.
I don't understand the spare room thing, we took it in turns feeding - he worked Wed to Sat, so he would do the feeds on Sat, Sun and Mon nights, I did the other four. Sometimes we'd take baby downstairs and feed while watching TV anyway, rather than stay in the bedroom.

oh I’m sorry - I didn’t realise that no one else was allowed an opinion that differs from yours on a discussion forum. My mistake. I obviously don’t understand how a discussion works 😂

Clearly not, because one of the basics is RTFT.

Are you the boss of this thread?

if you’d read my posts properly you’d have realised that I was referring specifically to the situation that the OP put herself in - skulking upstairs without getting any food and that I also said I’m no supporter of lazy men.

However you chose not to but decided that I should be the one castigated for saying what a good number of people responding have also said. Why is that, can I ask?

I think people are being harsh calling you a martyr this guy does sound useless. When my son was this age I was exclusively breastfeeding and it is all on the mum unfortunately. My husband was very good at looking after me though, he made all of my meals and brought them to me (even cut it up for me as if I was breastfeeding I only had 1 hand 😂). He slept in another room at my request to optimise his sleep for work and then on weekends he took the baby at around 7am and I would sleep in, both Saturday and Sunday. I'm a night owl and he's a morning person so this set up suited everyone. Sounds like you aren't getting anything though. My husband also would take the baby out in carrier for a walk frequently to give me a break. Sometimes though you need to spell it out for me and not wait to be offered. Now I'm veey direct with my husband and he happily obliges with what I need/want.

Am I the boss of the thread? You’ve given advice to a woman which will have made her feel like shit, simply because you couldn’t be arsed to read all of her posts, and when you’ve been told that’s a bit of a shit thing to do, you come back with that?

if you’d read my posts properly you’d have realised that I was referring specifically to the situation that the OP put herself in - skulking upstairs without getting any food and that I also said I’m no supporter of lazy men I did read your posts properly. Hence my response. You’re completely missing the point. You have given advice based on this being a one off scenario. It isn’t. If you read all of her posts, you’ll see that she’s in an abusive marriage. But instead, you’ve taken one incident out of context and told her that the responsibility is hers alone. How do you envisage that helping a woman in an abusive relationship?

However you chose not to but decided that I should be the one castigated for saying what a good number of people responding have also said. Why is that, can I ask? You’ve just made my point for me 🤦‍♀️ I told you why. It was my very first sentence.

my little boy this afternoon is teething i think and has been crying for about an hour - refusing milk. Husband has been out got back at 1 and when baby started fo cry he just left - I have no idea where he has gone. Its horrendous - its just another example of how things are

Cripes
Even my ex who I loathe wouldn't have done that. He would have tried to soothe the baby and taken over had he been out all morning.
He doesn't want to be in this family OP. I am so sorry

What a dud this man is. I think you should go to your parents and stay there for a nice long time. This loser is not worth the trouble.

If you have family/friends, or maybe an Airbnb, nearby pack up your stuff and leave now, even if you have to call a taxi/uber. At least you will not have to deal with him again this weekend. If this is not possible send him a text asking him to stay away until you are able to cope with his childlike tantrum, i.e. not getting your full attention.

Kindly, you sound very passive in all this.
Do you have a voice?

@AquaCrab1703 what do your parents say? You need to end this marriage. It won't be long before your baby becomes aware that he is being ignored by his Dad and that will destroy you.

@WilfredsPies I hope you enjoyed that and that your evening is better then your day was 🤷🏻‍♀️

At a minimum you should read the OP’s posts before replying.